She made me start a riot.
Before you read A riot with myself.
She allowed me to feel, opened up my soul. Made me question absolutely everything I thought I knew about myself without moving a finger. I struggle to imagine (with my ludicrous imagination, right) what she could do if she showed affection.
Want to take her places, see-through, swim in her eyes, make plans, take the wrong turns, race her on and off the road, I want to argue and make up, surf in sunny and surf in rainy weather, read poetry to her and get beerwet in the middle of the mosh pits of all the gigs we’d go to - losing ourselves to music, individually, together. Hell, I would even allow her to win in some of the competitions we’d be having :)
I wish I had enough courage to tell her how I feel and hope that she would feel like I challenge her. That she could feel enough to challenge me back.
I wish I could show her that there is more to discover about herself via relationships than she ever dreamed possible. So she would get to relate herself and others in a totally different way. I wish I could allow her to feel special and free from anything that shackles or holds her back. I wish I’ve shacked her world. I wish I was a connection she felt excited about and who made her feel utterly and totally alive in a way she may not have felt before. Lift her out of the ordinary and transport into the extraordinary.
One thing though.
Woke up this morning processing a feeling - I cannot wait and dwell on something that may never happen. I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t ask to fall for anyone. But yet I did. And it happened to be her. Stormed my life as the storm that she is. How the fuck could I not?!
Today I’ve told her that I’m going and had no reaction back... (just to be clear, I wasn’t looking for it, but it did bring clarity). As complicated, hard to read and misunderstood she is, it seems my announcement still didn’t shift a thing inside... And I just have to accept it. I don't think she’s comfortable with me and my feelings around, I honestly don’t think that she likes me anymore. I’ve absolutely killed it when told her (out of the blue for myself too) that I’ve misread her and fell ocean deeeeeeeeep right into ......
The point I’m trying to make here is that I'm packing my feelings into a backpack and arrivederci!
Anxiety galore and I am absolutely shitting myself at this point, as all I have is somewhat of a ‘plan’ (still too big of the word for it :))), no idea how and where I’m going to end up, and so on and on and on... BUT! I have a dream that I am taking. I am so excited! Adrenalin is kicking in and my heart is racing. Awe, this anticipation of unknown.
Life is a funny thing though. I’ve told my mate at work about me leaving, so he started asking about my plans and I’ve mentioned traveling. So he tells me how jealous he is of a free spirit of mine and that I’ve reminded him of his friend that has now been traveling for 5 years, and just happens to be in town for a couple of days. So three of us are now meeting up for drinks tomorrow to discuss life, travel, and beauty of freedom. Really looking forward to it. I mean, read the life signs, right?
Never realized, when I was making a decision a year ago to reset and rebuild myself, by taking a step back in my career and a rat race I was stuck in, I was stepping into a different stage of my life. What a chapter! What a wonderful life! People I got to meet, the connections that I’ve made, eye-opening experiences I have undergone, how high it made me feel....
One thing I have definitely learned in life so far is that things happen for a reason, and life is a journey, so I am going on one. We all live under the same sun, it just warms us up differently.
But I still wish I had her to share the impulsive and life-changing decision with...
How will I ever get over her?... If I do, will I ever be able to forget her? In all of my being and spirit, I wish her well.
I know that she will figure her career and values out, I know that she will ‘perfect’ herself on the outer level. I know that she will not sell herself short in any kind of relationships that life presents. I can just see those good times and good company on her agenda. I think she craves freedom and that freedom is to be herself. I hope, as she is a beautiful human being. I hope that she stays this way.
I will miss you so much.
“Baby, I’m gone Oh, baby, I’m leaving. Maybe this time I came far, Thinking ‘bout where I’ve been, Thinking ‘bout where I’ll be going”
