Poisoned Cake

I wish I could silence questions in my brain. Always nagging me, always judging me. I judge myself. I judge the others around me. I take stake in my own life based on what I see others doing theirs. Is it my age? Probably not. I think I've always been this way. I know I have. It just seems the older I get, I don't get any wiser. These are things I should be over by now. I'm no longer a confused 17 year old girl trying to find a stake in life. But I'm not much different now, I'm 24 years old doing the same. My sense of purpose senseless. My compass, directionless. I don't bleed on the paper like I used to. I don't even try. And I see everybody being happy. And I have so much. Yet I'm not happy. I don't know how to be. I think it's just a weird time for me. Where I feel a little hopeless, a little helpless, completely useless. And I could build myself up, but I can tear myself down just as fast. Use the same building blocks and distort them until they're black, until they don't mean anything. I don't feel the way I used to feel. And I'm scared. Because I don't want this to be me for the rest of my days.