yapping into the void

It's only when Erid establishes contact with Earth (or when they fish out a certain someone out of the blood ocean, if you want the crossover) Rocky realizes that wait. Grace lied, question? Grace said that whatever he says in the morning doesn't count, but apparently it does, question?? What the fuck, question???

...and then proceeds to spend the whole chapter being grumpy about gravity, of all things.

It doesn't even have to be actual danger (not to Grace, at least). It can be the little ocean inside the dome on Erid. It can be a very angry Rocky who just learned that Simon tried to attack Grace when he just woke up. It can be Armando too eager to do some kind of an unwanted medical procedure and waving its arms around a little too wildly. Doesn't matter.

What matters is, this is the first time (except for maybe his early childhood) when Simon is physically shielded by someone else. When he is pushed away from danger, not towards it. When someone actively puts themselves in (what is perceived as) harm's way to prevent him from being hurt.

He understands.

They arrive to Erid, and one of the first things Grace does is playing for Adrian a little speech he made in Eridian using his recordings of Rocky's voice. And it's just... instructions. Mostly.

"He has a lot of anxiety about people's health and will probably freak out about yours at some point, don't dismiss it and let him see that you are okay."

"He is terrified of being alone, please make sure someone is physically close to him at all times."

"He is scared of falling asleep and will delay it as long as he can, you need to pay attention to his sleep cycle or he'll be hurting himself."

"He downplays everything bad that is happening to him, mental and physical, please keep an eye on him or he'll be ignoring his health completely."

"He never gave up, but I might die very soon and I'm not sure how he will react to it. Please be with him, even when it's not easy. He loves you. He wanted to return to you so badly. Even though he probably has changed, this is still him. Please keep loving him. He needs it more than ever. He'll need it when I am gone."

...Adrian is very annoyed because a) the fuck do you mean by implying that I'll leave him, b) the fuck do you mean by implying you know him better than I do (Adrian does have to begrudgingly accept this one later: Grace is objectively more familiar with Rocky's trauma responses), and c) the fuck do you mean you're gonna die no one's letting you die shut up and get into the lab we have science to do. They become friends fast, bonding over worrying about Rocky together.

Then the memories start to return, and he is… confused. He waits for a moment when this friendship started to grow, and he just. can’t remember any. Colleagues, it’s always colleagues; the past him never thinks of them as friends. The past him is pretty sure they only kinda like him because he is always close to Stratt and the contrast makes him seem friendly. The past him refuses to acknowledge any closeness. 

…When he realizes that he, consciously or not, denied himself this human connection for years only to fall into it anyway and face the heartbreak he was hiding from, it’s already too late.

…Until he wakes up on the Hail Mary, that is. Until he sees the dead bodies and remembers that they were close friends to him; he remembers it before he remembers their names. He breaks down over it. He is too out of it to remember the masks he was using to protect himself from the heartbreak of befriending someone who is going to die soon. He remembers the truth, though.

Do you know that there is exactly one time when Grace-from-the-past refers to anyone from the project as “friends”? Do you know that it happens when he is actively breaking down about DuBois and Shapiro’s deaths? He does call them friends then. They are not here anymore to hear it.

Where Simon wants to survive (wants Grace to survive) so badly he can't fight the eel properly, because now all he can think of is how much he needs this guy to live and how much he doesn't want to lose him — this person who was actually kind to him for the first time in forever.

Where this urge — this necessity to be close, to be one — makes them the perfect target.

Where they both become a part of the eel, feeling the remnants of each other's minds in the shared consciousness of the creature. Comforted by each other's presence. Tortured by each other's suffering.

did a bunch of complex maths combined with a long and kinda inefficient scanning the space with his petrovascope to find Rocky; reacted to success with a fist-pump and a "yes! I'm definitely going to die!! :D". yes, this is a direct quote.

"all I see when I close my eyes is Rocky’s dumb carapace and his little arms always fidgeting with something."

briefly questioned himself on putting so much effort into something that is going to kill him, then promptly dismissed that and rushed to (the thing that he wasn't even sure was) Rocky's ship.

"whenever I think about my impending death, I think about Rocky instead."

spent nine hours cleaning up on the way there because hey, he's going to have a guest again!!

briefly panicked about the possibility that Rocky might be dead; immediately rejected the thought with a "nah, he's too smart for that".

jumped towards the Blip-A way too hard and slammed into it so badly he couldn't grip onto anything and started to float away.

tried to catch onto the ship by yeeting a lasso made of his tether at some kind of antenna.

NAILED IT ON THE FIRST TRY.

was so excited for Rocky to set up the airlock tunnel again that Rocky had to remind him to go back to Hail Mary unless he wants to look at the tunnel from outside.

Grace is still going to his planet: he owes him that, and it's not like he has enough food/fuel to return to Earth anyway. He is resolute to save his friend's world and then probably die.

He needs to communicate with them though.

It's a bittersweet thing that he has so many recordings of Rocky’s voice. He can make a message, he can explain.

Imagine Eridians hearing the "I'm here to help you" message in the voice of a member of the crew they sent all these years ago.

Imagine Adrian hearing the voice of their mate and having so much hope for the first time in decades.

Falling Asleep (chap. 3) Grace & Rocky, T “What’s two plus two?” Why can’t this thing leave me alone? I just want to rest.  There’s that music again, the one that keeps telling me that I’m safe. I like it. It’s… comforting.  “What’s two plus two?” Oh, shut up already.  I try to tell it to shut up, but my throat is sore and my tongue is dry. I think my lips are moving, and I seem to make… some sort of noise, but it comes out all garbled. The music changes. The soothing “you’re safe” undertone is still there, but the melody becomes more complex, its meaning expanding. I— I can understand it, I know I can, but it’s so hard to concentrate. My thoughts are infuriatingly slow.  I must still be sedated. I am too calm. There are small sprouts of fear, but they feel distant — too distant for the situation I’m in. I can’t move, I can’t speak, and there is a robot harassing me; I should be more panicked.  There is… my name in the music, I think.