Vera Huang

I have set a new record to process my hair in permanent dye twice in the same year.

I don’t know if I should be glad or worried that I keep tumblr as the media for spilling my beans out. This place has begun to seem like a mental log journal. I noticed the first quasi-depressing entry was on June earlier this year, that means I’ve been living in a limbo gradually getting deeper and lost in it without even realizing for these past six months.

Honestly, I don’t know how I did it. Waking up each morning and dragging myself over the same routine I despise. I am surprised I can actually endure and last this long. Sometimes I want to collapse yet the moment I want to give up, really-really want to give up on being functional, I always choose to wind my springs up. Heaven forbids my fall from grace. Nobody would come to my rescue if anything bad were ever to happen. I don’t put my trust in a soul, either.

If anything, I am angry. So angry than ever I am in agony. Grumpy over silly little nothings, things people say, things they question or do, it annoys me. With work and my study, I am either bored or I lose grip off everything. I am either in a desert or a raging storm. There’s nothing in between, no safe haven. I am miserable, and I have come to believe I actually want to be miserable. But deep down, isn’t everyone a little masochistic? I wish I could bring myself to actually care, but I can’t lie to myself that I don’t and neither do I want to.