venus💋

While we don't have the full context and need the next years, the fact Ruben says about Niall during his speech "he takes what he wants"... I fear it's you Ruben. I fear you're both like that at the very least.

So... Gus! Lovely comeback, huh? These types of sordid arrangement (men having sex in a spot, people allowed to come over and watch, I'm assuming they're all doing it round, since Niall was doing it one night with the others watching) are unfortunately so heard of in the gay community, and seems to be such a horrid way to "experiment"... I'm not judging the exhibitionism (I have nothing against this kink) but with this type of situation, the safety seems barred, and the consent blurred. Either way, it was sort of "predictable", but in a good way? It made sense that Niall's biggest bully was a closeted gay, it seems to often happen.

Niall's reaction to Ruben being out is so enlightening. The fear is just... Wow.

Niall selling books for money and his overall financial situation absolutely breaks my heart. It... Makes sense when your only income is writing, but still. Absolutely heartbreaking.

I was delighted to see Joanna again! It also unfortunately made sense she'd be divorced and a single mum of three kids, but... I was glad to see her and Niall still caught up with each other, though I got quickly caught back with the follow up of the episode.

Honestly Niall's life in general is so heartbreaking. His writings dismissed, having to beg to print, quick fucks for a thrill in public loos, tons of porn in his flat, his mum acting the way she does... Plus, the fact Lori knew Ruben was out for two years, never said a thing, accepted money for Niall but also talking about Niall to Ruben, I just... Honestly I "dislike" Lori as much as I dislike Ruben.

THE Mona and Ruben being married is... Wow. Now hear me out, could it be that Ruben went back to Mona because yes, they knew each other before the clink, but also because Mona is a sort of bridge with Niall, due to that night where they both SA'd Niall?

"Marry a man that loves his mother!" Oh Mona if only you knew... Also the Facebook posts and comments were very realistic lmao

Oh wow Maura? Cancer then healing then hanging ? I genuinely wonder what the hanging was for. Does she know that Ruben was SA'd by (presumably, it still isn't "confirmed") his dad? Did she have a moment of clarity about Ruben and couldn't handle it?

This constant guilt that Niall lives with absolutely breaks my heart. It's like a presence that haunts each and every actions in his life.

Of course it breaks Niall to see Ruben doing this good. To see your abuser and the person who planted the seed of tons of issues doing so well on life despite the way Ruben was set to failure and Niall set to success would put everyone in a fit of rage and desperation.

"When I was younger I destroyed my brother's life"??? NIALL IT WASN'T YOUR FAUUUUUULT!!! I understand why he reason the way he does but it's so heartbreaking he sees it this way when Ruben destroyed himself.

About Nigel and the blackmailing... I can understand that your library being a spot for quick loo shag must be annoying. However, Is it even legal to film in cubicles????

Going back to Joanna, the fact Niall asks her to help him for the two grands despite her situation, and the fact it's not the first time makes my heart break for Joanna. I'm glad she stood her ground and refused, keeping her priorities straight, despite her love for Niall. While what Niall and Joanna are definitely not what Ruben and Niall are, the parallels are there. Niall coming back like Ruben did, Joanna staying because of the love and affection she feels for him (like Niall did for Ruben). However, Joanna managed to do what Niall couldn't : Pull away, for good perhaps. And while it parallels Ruben and Niall in their roles, it also shows how different Ruben and Niall are, since Niall definitely did not react like Ruben would have, which is a good thing.

I couldn't help but wonder... (Yes, Ruben wearing his wedding ring around his neck reminded me of Carrie Bradshaw, so now I'll write like her)Does the Niall's public unhealthy inclination comes from his own experience with Ruben and Mona? It was in a way quite exhibitionist, in addition to being Niall's first time. Maybe he always wants someone watching, "approving" or guiding him like Ruben did. Once again, Richard Gadd writes the consequences of SA with such accuracy.

Lori being a social worker gave me a bit of a jumpscare lmao

The thought of Ruben "saving" Niall from being blackmailed, just like he helped him with his bullies is... Ugh god. It's so ironic considering most of Niall's issues, that while are Niall's choices, stems from Niall's trauma with Ruben.

I absolutely lost it when we found out that most of Niall's life was paid for by Ruben. The perversion of it is absolutely sheer writing genius and real life horror. I can only imagine Niall's distress and the effect it had on him.

There's a different between blaming everyone else and being affected of trauma. While I agree you can't excuse each and every of your actions behind trauma (Trauma doesn't excuse bad deeds. It explains it, but doesn't excuse it), I find it so horrid of Lori to say it. Due to his trauma, Niall destroyed himself. Due to his trauma, Ruben destroyed Niall and used him to put himself back up.

Genuinely Lori angers me. She calls Niall self-involved but she's the one that put Niall in this situation in the first place with Ruben, moving Maura in, always taking Ruben's side...

The therapy paid by Ruben is just devilish

The fucking Harrison Ford poster. I love Niall destroying everything but the Harrison Ford signed poster. As he should.

"I sometimes wish he would kill me you know"... Didn't he already? 😀 Nah, I'm saying that but obviously I carry hope Niall can still heal himself from that, but due to the tone and path the show is taking... I don't think so.

Once again, good intentions doesn't mean it justifies Lori's actions or words.

Niall stalking Ruben... Richard Gadd's characters just can't be left alone 😞 /j

The .. the logo taking. Taking Ruben's symbol of status, the one that's most... Well... Stealable?

The chasing scene was stressing me the fuck out lmao. I know there's a meaning in Niall hiding in a garden toy house, but it's flying over my head now! What do you guys think?

The glancing scene is nightmarish. Ruben's smirk is so predator like, I'll probably see it in my nightmares.

And obviously, the result is a car crash, a metaphor of the consequences Ruben cause for Niall.

We have Niall in a hospital bed, vulnerable again, Ruben in a position of dominance, sat across him. I'm sick.

Ruben telling Niall to not talk about his life after what Niall did to it.. RUBEN, YOU DID IT TO YOURSELF. YOU PUT ALBY IN A COMA.

The assault scene made my jaw drop. I was so anguished for Niall.

"This is always what you wanted from me, aye" AHHHHH PROJECTION ! FUCK YOU RUBEN

So, this whole confrontation is super interesting. Ruben wants Niall to be jealous of him, to be bitter. And most importantly, he wants the reason for Niall's action out of the court case to be out of bitterness and to put obstacles in Ruben's life. Maybe because Ruben doesn't want Niall's court response to be out of sympathy for Alby and wanting to do the right thing, since to Ruben, it wasn't the right thing. Ruben doesn't seem to care about morale. He just wanted Niall by his side.

Ruben's paranoia is... Intersting.

Lori telling Ruben Niall's business, I-

Bambi to Rat boy. Wow. Sure, sure, Rat boy because Niall did what he thought was right and would take him away from his abuser. Once again, it's really interesting because you can see why Maura and Ruben think this way. But still.

Ruben says he's..born with status? As in just he's born with charisma or something else

I'M YOUR FUCKING MUSE OH MY GOD!! RICHARD GADD STOP

I'M THE SOUNDTRACK TO YOUR GREATEST MOMENTS!!! BECAUSE IT IS SORT OF TRUE NO? I genuinely think Niall's happiest moments were with Ruben.

"I'm about to pass out Jesus Christ " so that was what I wrote in my notes, don't remember why.

Niall going off and finally saying what he thinks was so good.

God, Ruben hit maura? It wouldn't surprise me, and with Ruben's reaction, I think it's the case.

Ruben the center of the universe. Honestly, accurate depiction. Ruben is the center of it all. Of Niall's trauma, of Maura and Lori's life together, of the general attention, of the show even! Even when we follow Niall, Ruben is always there in a way.

Ruben did make Niall look Ugly. It makes me sick but he did. Niall spent years sick over the guilt he felt, ruining his own life. So yeah, congrats Ruben.

Is Ruben wearing his wedding ring on his neck? Obvious Carrie Bradshaw reference. Thanks to her, I see this as a "Ruben isn't really wanting to be married for the right reason"

Niall chewing pens, operation, the paranoia... Gutted me.

RUBEN'S SORRY? It felt good, especially since it looked sincere.

Niall checking if he means it and the two hugging with violence... Wow. With the transition??

Ruben is criminal to even talk to Alby. Like get the fuck away.

OBVIOUSLY IT WAS RUBEN ON THE STRETCHER. OBVIOUSLY. DID NIALL FINALLY KILL HIS TRAUMA OR LOSE HIS SHIT??? I NEED TO KNOW!

I bawled my eyes out during Episode 4. I cried for Richard and the abuse he endured, for all the people that went through the same thing. It was odd, because I started sobbing when he described the feelings post SA, what he did, what he felt.

Three years ago a certain something happened to me, that I deemed as odd at first, then as just a guy giving me mixed signals, before realising it was SA. I felt ashamed back then, odd, as if I had seeked for it, since I enjoyed it for a second between the confusion of the act. After all, I fancied the man that did that. But, as it turns out, no, it was SA. I'm not really planning on detailing it since it isn't exactly the point, but... I cannot believe this show made me accept and realise I had experimented an SA.

And I'm very thankful for it. It took something off my chest I never thought would lift.

Other than that, the show was sensational. I cannot believe Richard was strong enough to put himself through this again. I cannot believe how strong he is, to be this transparent about how he felt and what he did, proving us again that there aren't perfect victims. Jessica Gunning's acting was.... Well she deserved every awards she got. And I'm still horrified that the real life Darrien is still out there.

So... Wow. The premise absolutely gutted me. Asking Niall to lie for Ruben at the stand, especially for something as horrible as making up an SA is wow. I felt absolutely horrible for Niall, and even more for Alby. My thoughts are mostly in notes, so sorry for the mess!

Six months!! Alby stayed six months in the coma ??

I was at first scandalised at the thought of Niall lying for Ruben. Like 100% against it. Then I swayed a bit after we found out Maura had cancer and Niall's reaction to it. And then it went right back to 100% against it with Joanna's intervention.

Seriously, Joanna's character was absolutely amazing this episode. No judgement of Niall for his homosexuality, instead she gave him reassurance that he was okay. She gave him also one last reminder about how awful things were going to be if he lied for Ruben, and what he'd do to Alby.

I genuinely expected to find out that Ruben had been SA before by a man, during that scene where he shouts and fights Niall for him to lie, on that plain. With the way Ruben talked about it I thought this was where this was leading, and maybe it is, but I think it's mostly leading to the toxic vision of masculinity, and the role of the genitals in this. That mixed with Ruben's repressed same sex attraction (I'm guessing) is probably why he tipped off so much.

Ruben's amusement when he said "the only thing a jury hates more than thugs are f*gs" made me sick to my stomach.

I can't imagine how Niall must have felt accepting to lie for Ruben despite who he is. I can't imagine how he must have felt this whole episode. I just want him to be happy an peaceful honestly :,)

Also, yeah. Obviously, Ruben doesn't want to go to Prison, but the lying isn't just the lying. He wants the assurance that Niall would go to hell for him, no matter the cost, just like Ruben would do for him. And it scares him, I think this co-dependency, especially since Ruben is realising Niall won't go as far as Ruben would. Good for Niall.

Niall's mum is a shit stirrer. Love that for her.

The reveal of Alby's face and the acting of Niall's actor was brilliant. No words.

I was so glad that Niall told the truth. This trial would have obliterated Alby (a gay brown man in the early 90s? I cringed when the lawyer tried to make it seem Alby was a sexual deviant. I bet the defense had rubbed their hands when seeing Alby's profile...)

Niall's desire of freedom through Oxford was so painfully relatable.

Seeing Ruben be so good with kids was unsurprising, but so so bittersweet.

The scene where Niall decides to lie for Ruben and just says "he groped you". Chills. You can see how relieved Ruben was.

And finally, when Niall tells the truth at court. Ruben's reaction is predictable, but the "I'm gonna make you ugly too, we're never coming back from this" gutted me.

Alby's father with his two timed courage made me laugh harder than it should have. Humourous man.

Ruben's speech... I'm scared, though I know it won't be what we're thinking about. Ruben's an agent of chaos, and while we don't know what he'd have to expose yet, I don't think it's going to be as awful as we think.

POOR ALBY. HAVE I SAID THAT ENOUGH?

Ruben's actor acting as well.... God. Every actors and actresses in this show are amazing.

Also, Niall is the type to say he's something even though he hasn't done it in over twenty years. Honestly, so am I.