vent sideblog

So there was or there might have been a misunderstanding (person maybe thought I was fully aroace, instead of just ace and allo romantic, I heard it from a mutual friend) , and I was afraid I messed up the relationship by mentioning it and trying to be honest abt my feelings since the person kinda slowly stopped messaging me for few months shortly after I told them, but they recently reached out again said sorry and that they were going through some stuff and asked if I wanted to talk again

And now we're talking again just like before ^w^) !!! Which makes me super happy , I was really afraid I made it weird by basically saying that I wouldn't say no if they asked me out on a date (but we were so clingy so i thought that was a little obvious.. but I'm ace so idk, and close clingy friends are great in their own way too)

Aaahhh, I feel some kind of romantic feelings, honestly i can be kind of quoiromantic so sometimes I'm not sure or maybe I just doubt myself because I'm scared of rejection/losing a really good platonic friendship, I really like this person, I like talking and sending hugs/snuggles/cuddles/blanket hugs/nose boops, we're pretty similar and we get along well in person too

on a side note tho, it did make me really happy to hear that he remembered that i was ace (i told him shortly after we met in person)

but you know, if we both like being really clingy and affectionate, we can be really clingy and affectionate, we don't have to give it a name yet as long as we're both happy , Id be happy with it being romantic or queer platonic , if we vibe we vibe, nothing wrong with that

if someone(cishet far as i know, and you also perceived as cishet) expressed wanting to be in your space and hug and cuddle you (Not in a creepy way btw, its mutual), but it was also like a game to say stuff like that back and forth very often to each over when you live far apart, woooooould it be safe to say they probably have a crush on you too or could it still be platonic 

i’m afraid my new friends won’t last -maybe they dont actually like me-, or a potential partner will change his mind, or my family will only drift apart more

i’m realizing i’m pretty bitter and hurt when my mom finds people to date so quickly and disregards spending time with her kids (me and my brother). (my dad’s kinda worse tho, a fiance that i barely know, i just dont live w them thankfully)

like, she’s not exactly doing a bad thing but, being so aware of her neglect over the years just makes it feel like “Y e p, still neglecting us and putting us lower on the list of priorities” (and in some ways she is, especially when she gets to go out and does things but if i dare to meet up with new friends she’s SO skeptical and doesnt treat me like an adult, and like i still haven't gone to a doctor in forever)

I’m like “I want you to Finally pay attention to me, ive never really had that and you could have the time to do that now, so??”  and also sometimes am like  “fuck you i dont want you knowing about me or my life or what i think because you dont talk or share yours with us and hid it before so i dont trust you, youve never r tired to get to know me so why should i let you now?” I should be glad she’ll telling me about who’s shes ‘dating’ but i just get annoyed and i dont really care nor want to hear it

like, what if i feel like masc and like guys but then i feel more fem and like guys HUH???????

gflm? (like wlw /mlm), i mean i understand that, but what if I want to name it or someone asks me directly? (like gay,het,lesbian)

there’s a void in me and nobody is ever gonna love what exists out of it enough to deal with the rest of my empty self