Venting

I don't like the person I am currently, and there are so many things going on in my life both personally and professionally, so I decided this might help... or well I hope it helps.

So if you stumble on this blog be warned there is no content here, just me rambling and reblogging whatever fits the current mood.

Tags to separate ventings:

Cat shenanigans

Family shenanigans

Work shenanigans

Other shenanigans

Other tags:

Anxious thoughts

Negative thoughts

Optimistic thoughts

Positive thoughts

Neutral thoughts

Vibes

My anxiety has been running wild even though there's nothing left to do to try and make things better, just have to let things happen and hope for the best (while expecting the worst, I'm already tightening my budget in case I don't get paid this month). My heart has been going insanely fast for a couple days now and I'm trying everything to calm down and we'll I'm back here aren't I? Hoping this will help put things in perspective or maybe just to vent into the void.

On the upside my family is as stable as it's ever been, I think we've finally found our groove and are settling into out new dynamic. Was not expecting my role to change so drastically now with our new addition, teenagers are not easy and I never wanted kids but I guess she's my responsibility now. And while it took a whole minute to settle, I believe we're doing okay.

I know these are symptoms of anxiety logically I am aware of this but it just doesn't feel like enough? I've never had a panic or anxiety attack, even when I'm anxious I still go out and work and do what I have to so it's not affecting my life like that.

I don't think I need meds or anything, wouldn't even know where or be able to afford a diagnosis anyways, but I still think about those moments when my heart will start going crazy and my body will get cold over absolutely nothing; about all the sleepless nights I've had unable to sleep for no reason, and wish I knew how to fix it.

I'm feeling so much better both physically and emotionally, I believe all my headaches and blood pressure drops were because of stress, since everything has calmed down I'm also feeling more stable.

She's so annoying rn and full of energy after being all drugged up and quarantined for so long; she keeps destroying things and picking up fights with my other cats, chasing things and playing with my clothes and I've never been more relieved.

I've never felt this sick before without it being an actual sickness, my body was going through it; my anxiety had my heart rate going wild and I'm sure my blood pressure was too high considering my constant headache and nausea (those might have been the anxiety too who knows).

Fortunately my mother knows some people who know some people who helped me contact some people that could help. And I can now finally breathe knowing I'll have a job for the rest of the year. I've never been more relieved that my mother is a social butterfly that knows everyone, but I also feel like I did not solve the issue on my own.

Logically I know I don't have to go through things and solve them alone, and I know these feelings of undeserving what I got are a result of all the anxiety. But I still can't help feeling this way, in the end it got resolved but I suppose the leftover feelings are still there.

This year has been one thing after another, and then when I finally get some moment of peace it does not last long and I honestly don't think I can even relax anymore. Even the ring tone on my phone and notifications got me flinching thinking it's some more bad news.

I don't like the way I behave whenever that happens, I become passive aggressive, judgy about other people, sensitive to other people's words, and unnecessarily mean.

I have worked hard to be a better person and it feels like all my hard work goes to waste when I see them. They are older and I was always so naive as a kid so they took advantage of my dumb baby self to make themselves look smarter. And that has become a complex for me, so I always try to make myself look better, act smarter, be more mature and act like I have a superiority complex around them.

I hate when I become like that because I'm aware it's annoying. I wish I didn't feel like I have something to prove to them, in my head I know why this happens and I know how to fix it; logically I know... but I still can't seem to be able to do anything about it once it's happening.

She's doing so much better, her wound is practically all closed up now, and she's back to her old self completely. I'm so happy and relieved that she has recovered, for a second there I really thought we were going to lose her, but she pulled through and is now as healthy as she was before.

I still don't understand how things got this far with her being an indoor cat who does not go out. But no matter how it got this far I'm happy it seems to be getting better.

On the other hand some of my work issues seem to be soon to resolving which also takes some stress from my life and lifts a weight from my shoulders.

I will admit this makes me feel both anxious and a little better, anxious because the experience of finding a thing inside her wound was not fun, and a little better because maybe this means she will finally start to heal and get better.

When I do her next cleaning and give her meds I'll check inside again, make sure nothing was left inside. She's such a good girl and is letting me do the cleanings without too much wiggling.

I'm hoping this means I did it better so she's not feeling as terrible as before, her wound also looks a little better.

I also gave her some antibiotics, I'm not sure all of it went into her mouth but I'm hoping it's enough to help a little or at least prevent the wound from getting worse.

It's breaking my heart having to hear her cry everything I clean it, it most feel terrible and I worry I'm hurting her. What if I'm not doing it right? What if I make things worse?

All of those thoughts don't help, you know who is also no help? Everyone in this fucking house; one all does is yell and be squeamish about it and the other is always too "busy" to help.

How am I supposed to do this by myself? I can't hold her down and clear the wound at the same time without making the whole experience uncomfortable.

She's such a lovely cat, sweet and social and full of life, if I do wrong by her and get her killed I don't know what I'm going to do.