L O L

putting constellations on my body with a lighter and goddamn if they aren't beautiful

back on my bullshit (self h@rm)

rediscovered a great way to not leave much evidence either so nobody needs to know and i stick around a lil while longer

what's a lil self relapse if it prevents an alcohol relapse???

wanna fuck and wanna die

can't drink can't die but my god do i want to drown myself in whiskey till the last breath leaves my body

kinda useless nobody needs me but ig i have to keep going

sad and numb and want different pain to replace whatever the fuck this feeling is

i am adrift in these winds and my god i never get less afraid, i buzz and hum with the electricity of terror and not once can i find rest

can’t sleep too anxious can’t drive anywhere no gas no one is awake to talk to and i am dissolving into the night

craving a drink for the first time in months and that...is very not good

the scary things in my head never go away do they they just hide sometimes and grow ever older with me

i hate being another year older i hate being another year older i hate being another year older i’m not ready to grow up i’m not ready what have i done what have i fucking done

i want to go home but that is not a concept that currently exists 

this is not a happy birthday and it is ending alone in tears on the couch

i do not want to turn another year older i did not plan or prepare for this