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The reality is you take pride in your pain.. The one that people cant see, or maybe they don't want to..

You want to feel everything so daam deeply that it sits in ur chest and rots.. Pathetic isn't it. The greed, the want of something so intense that it shatters you .. You have so much around you but nothing that satisfies your insatiable thirst. Thirst of what??

You want shattered glass rubbing your skin raw, the invisible blood a proof of your existing pain that keeps oozing out of you... You want to scream but your own hands are choking you quiet..

Thats it, if you wanted me to describe that in a in a wretched, disgustingly honest way, then sorry..

Art should hurt to make, and if it doesn't your doing something wrong.. like if you are a dancer, you are not an artist if up your feet hasn't bled through a dance, if u haven't danced hurt, sick, on the verge of crying.. You are not an artist if your fingers haven't bled into the paint your brushes stoke, if your fingers aren't raw and red and if there isn't blood on your guitar string..

It isn't art if you are not absolutely disgusted or in love with the song lyrics, if the song doesn't touch your heart and split it open..

It isn't art if some people hate it, and others are left absolutely obsessed with it..

I am not glorifying pain, or saying that you have to be dead inside to be called an artist, what i am saying is sometimes if not often you need to drink yellow paint in hopes of being happy. And You need to speed your car with your hands off the wheel, to able to describe how the deer looked in front of your headlights.. You need to bleed to say that red isn't just a color.. you need to hurt, to hate just to be able to love...

But now I listen... More like I collect, I collect stories, experience, emotions... I don’t ask for it, when you sit down with someone long enough they tend to give away a part of themselves, and I aim for the most precious one...

I know how my friend picks up a fight with her boyfriend, blames him and the goes and apologieses , to be fair she was at fault, but i don't say she's the toxic one i just sit with her..

I listen to my friend talk about how school is her haven cus at home the conditions aren't good anymore.. she keeps saying that when she leaves for college next year she will take her little sister with her... And I belive her, I let her belive it too..

I listen to my friend say life has been hard lately, and all he feels like is letting go.. he cant explain why, I don't ask him to neither to I point out his full shirt in this heat.. I dont tell him somedays I feel the same way..

I listen to my friend pretend.. to be sad, to be soft.. to be the kind people would pity on..

My mom says, I used to cry a lot as a baby, so much that she thought I didn't want to come into this world, but was forced into it.. She says, I cried like I was calling on god, declaring his unfairness...

Thirteen years later, I cried like that again.. Raw, screaming, like i was in so much pain... I called god again, dumb, stupid, like a teenager confessing sins, praying justice wouldn't be as heavy... Skimmed keens, bloodied, dirty, folded hands, praying, praying....

And then five years later, I went down on my keens again in front of god, this time with a realisation that god doesn't love pretty, he doesn't love just, but he loves unconditionally...

God I know you love me, but your love, i can no longer handle... I know your saving me, but pulling me up out from a ditch with your hands around my neck is not a proffered way of getting saved... But wasn't it me who told you to get me out even if it meant dying..

My own and the people around be,

And i am eating flesh,

Raw and naked like the truth he told me....

But I am still starving, so i cut my own self up,

Ravishing it part by part..

I am bloody, thirsty and hungry,

All the blood i drank hasn't quenches my thirst,

And the flesh hasn't satisfied me....

I am howling, craving, searching ( and crying),

And you walk in,

In into a savage animal, a greedy one,

Who just wants more....

'You want love my darling' ,you say,

Wiping the blood off my mouth while you yourself are drenched,

"LOVE", I say it out loud,

It tastes bitter in my mouth,

"LOVE", I swallow the word in,

"LOVE" you call me,

Come with me you say...

"LOVE" i say dumb, stupid, shivering and drenched,

"LOVE", maybe you like playing that too,

Because red is a difficult color to get rid off,

And i see you completely stained...

"LOVE", one word and you are gone,

"LOVE" one word, and the blood on you is no one's,

But mine..

"LOVE " I know that gave tooo,

So i listen, I listen to my frnds world fall apart over a bad breakfast, I listen to the teacher talk about how he had so much potential but so little money, I listen to the clock tick away, I listen to the world end... I listen while I silently hold pieces of my heart together, while the sharp corners pierce through my lungs making it hard to breathe...

You are in a neverending rat race that technically doesn't have a finish line.. and then you look over your shoulder and feel like, I never wanted to be a runner all I wanted was to live..

Ok..

But which part of me do you like,

The one that goes around with the brightest smile,

Or that one who killed herself last summer..

It was July, or so I think,

And the sun shone the brightest then....

Anyways leave that,

Did you know you’re named after a god,

The enforcer, the keeper..

So, I'll trust you with my heart,

The one thats beating...

( I am scared to show you the rotten one,

But please ask me about it,

Ask me why its rotten, ugly and trying to crawl out.

Ask me why its hungry and mad..)

I hold love for the longest of time you know,

Just because I don't know how to let it go..

( i held love for the longest time,

Until it started rotting in my heart.

Until its stench looped around my neck,

Until I was choking myself with my own two hands..)

I dare you to stand at the top of your pain,

And scream at it like a fucking madman...

Get blood on your hands,

But the blood has to be yours..

Kill,

But die first...

Nobody knows pain unless they have died cus of it,

But the truth is when you have been stripped down of everything you love, only to live a life that was designed for you, just hurting seems like a good fucking day...

Stars, shimmering in the moonlit Sky, that's all you stare at, thats all you can stare at... as the night stretches on with a merry melody, you try to fit in but you know its better to stay quiet for reasons unknown..

They see you, the stars... the dirty little secrets you try and hide, they see it.. and you claim that the only reason you keep going is because you look at the twinkling starts in the night sky, and wonder if they can be next to nothing but still shine so can you..

Why

Because then when you ask me to let you go, I will..

Because i love you, I love you enough to let you go, enough to become a stranger for you, enough to forget or atleast try to......

Do you love me

Yes...

Then let me go

Sure... I'll let you walk out the door, and I'd even remind you to take your sweater with you... ( After you leave ill curl up like a little child who lost their most precious possession... I'll become a jeweler without the jewels , a surgeon without the skills, a ruler without a kingdom... but I'll let you go, knowing that you left with a part of me I need... but I won't stop you)

A few years later we both are older, your voice deeper than your eyes, and yet I am still the girl you left behind...

You let me go

You asked me to

And you didn't care enough to stop me