VERITY EVELYN LARSEN IS KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR

i've known this for so long but never properly "understood" in till now, but maybe i should mention, finally, that why i've had such a sparse internet presence and artistic output for the past 5 years is cause of the incessant thought patterns and subconscious shame i & the many mental professionals i've talked to attribute as "OCD." even before my diagnosis and before my symptoms started noticeably getting worse without knowing a name for it when i was 19, it's only been sinking in lately that i've been kinda ruining my whole life forever. the number of times the world affirmed me i don't have the right to participate in it is something i see as heartbreaking now, instead of me telling myself these twisted reasons it Is a scary world i live within and it Must continue that way cause of what i subconsciously consider safety within stagnation. not feeling safe to even genuinely entertain the thought of this being a neutral world is something i'm so tired of and i tire myself out every day. every hour?