VIRULENCE

                                             I 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘢𝘱𝘴𝘦 to the floor and scream —          

                                           "Can anybody                                                 save me from myself?“  

“I detest creep crawlies.”

“You had a mind-control slug in your brain, but a beetle freaks you out?”

“It’s a childhood fear.”

“Does it look like I know how to pitch a tent?”

“Because, you know, psychologically speaking, you wouldn’t have worn those shoes if you didn’t like me a little.”

“When’s the last time you slept?”

“Look, you’ve got to stop beating yourself up about this.”

“Yes, throwing an extremely dangerous magical artifact into the river was pretty stupid.”

“These are mini plagues.”

“I’m really sorry to harsh your romantic weekend.”

“It’s the same thing every year. It’s a barbecue, a game of spades, and then my uncle is throwing hands.”

“Do you think I want to trade my family drama for yours?”

“I think you want unsupervised time to feed on humans.”

“You still don’t trust me.”

“No using vampire powers, and absolutely no using vampire powers.”

“Like I’m gonna let you guys chase monsters without me.”

“I would’ve thought you wanted to spend the break canoodling with your hipster boyfriend.”

“Sorry for wanting to protect the outside world from my mistakes.”

“There’s currently an urn on a river cruise spreading plagues across America because I thought a unicorn was cute.”

“You cannot leave me alone with just her for company.”

“There is no reason to be tense or awkward.”

“Fun fact: this town has the biggest ball of yarn in the country.”

“You guys are talking about ancient history.”

“Did y’all just need a third wheel to shield you from all this awkwardness?”

“We barely survived a biblical plague.”

“For the last time, I didn’t start that fire.”

“Why did I see you giving us a death glare through the window?”

“I think I’m gonna be sick again.”

“I don’t know who they are, but they are too prepared, organized, and well-equipped to be responding to some random insect attack.”

“I apologize for the inconvenience.”

“Let me guess, it involved you insinuating yourself into a situation where only you could be the hero.”

“I swear to god, you will do anything to get attention.”

“I was hoping we could talk privately.”

“You have a terrific reputation.”

“I have an entire town that needs to forget what they’ve seen today.”

“His office actually sits on top of the portal to hell?”

“It’s a tar put of doom where monsters rot for all eternity.”

“Y’all are a lot crazier than my family.”

“So, vampire powers are cool as long as it’s for something boring?”

“I hope we never have to see each other again.”

“That one wasn’t even remotely my fault.”

“We can keep having empathy hour, or we can do what we came here to do.”

“We do anymore work for you, you’re gonna have to put us on the payroll.”

“You may want to lay low for a little bit.”

“If you really thought that I said all those things about you, then you hating me all these years makes perfect sense.”

“I’m probably not immune to those issues myself.”

“I don’t take it lightly.”

“I would never make fun of you for it.”

“What I don’t get is why anyone would accuse me of that.”

“I had a crush on you.”

“You had a crush on me?”

“I can’t believe we almost lost you.”

“I didn’t know because I was confused.”

“This ain’t the night for vampires to be walking around unchecked.”

“You need to tell us exactly what happened.”

“Just because we have a cure for werewolf bites doesn’t mean they won’t hurt like hell.”

“He gets really weird around holidays.”

“Survey says you just got owned.”

“You died, then became a vampire, and then your dad just ghosted you?”

“Maybe some things are better left unsaid.”

“The whole point of having a family is so you can be an actual family.”

“If you want answers, I hope you get them.”

“We didn’t think it was that big a deal.”

“Discipline can come after everyone is healthy and safe.”

“I’ve got a big mess I have to clean up.”

“Sleep isn’t really a priority.”

“It’s not stealing if you return it.”

“Everyone thinks I’m dead.”

“I don’t need a therapist right now.”

“Who are you and why are you here?”

“We sort of talked them into a spontaneous road trip.”

“Which now seems like it may have been a hasty decision.”

“A lot has changed since you died.”

“Your father doesn’t want to see you.”

“There’s no room in his belief system for people dying and coming back to life.”

“It’s gonna take some time for him to get used to the idea.”

“That’s his loss, then.”

“Looks can be deceiving.”

“You said you saw a monster.”

“I know you think you’re helping, but you’re not.”

“Just take it from somebody that’s been kept in the dark their whole life.”

“At least he knows the truth.”

“Sometimes the truth hurts.”

“I would give anything to ask my mom and dad why they gave me up.”

“To be honest, this is actually a first for me.”

“If you have a better idea, I’m all ears.”

“I have seen what happens when you bottle stuff up inside.”

“Sooner or later, that bottle’s gonna shatter.”

“I hate seeing you in pain.”

“We’re gonna get through this together, like we always have.”

“What the hell was that?”

“Our arrangement was to keep that a secret.”

“The shadiest part was you saying yes.”

“Admittedly, it’s a bit of a grey area.”

“When you have been through what I’ve been through and seen what I’ve seen, you’ll learn that life is rarely simple.”

“There are demons all around me.”

“What the hell is wrong with him?”

“He’s delusional, which only means one thing.”

“I want the whole world to see you.”

“Don’t hate me for this.”

“I’m not human anymore.”

“I know you don’t understand that, and I barely understand it myself, but that doesn’t mean I’m evil.”

“He was right to be afraid of me.”

“I’m about to kick his ass.”

“He was right. I’m a monster.”

“I don’t want to remember any of this.”

“Am I still delusional, or do y’all see this?”

“I’ve never seen anything like this.”

“Let’s drop some sweet knowledge.”

“This looks too official considering the nonsense within.”

“History seems to indicate that aliens may have visited our world in ancient times.”

“They’re just people, what are you talking about?”

“Why would there be a helicopter?”

“So the aliens show up, show them pictures of helicopters, and fly away?”

“I can’t wait to see the rest of it.”

“What are they looking at on it? There’s no internet.”

“Here’s you with three butt cheeks.”

“Why do you have little penguin arms?”

“I drew it, so it must be real.”

“You have nothing to say to any of that?”

“I will fight you tooth and nail when it comes to ghoulie ghosts, but aliens are a little more probable.”

“I’m sure you’ve got plenty of other stuff on here that’s really dumb.”

“If Carl Sagan believes it, then I believe it.”

“I believe him. I don’t give a shit. It’s Carl Sagan.”

“I can’t imagine that’s be a pleasurable experience.”

“We can separate reality from not reality.”

“You’re telling me those architects used math? Knock me down with a feather!”

“Can you imagine you lugged around stones your whole life and everyone was like, ‘it was space aliens’.”

“Well, facts don’t matter then.”

“This may also demonstrate a suspicious knowledge of mathematics.”

“I don’t doubt that they were mathematically adept.”

“So, it was aliens.”

“They showed up, gave ‘em iPads, built the pyramids, and left.”

“They were like, ‘fuck humanity’.”

“Were we visited and aided by aliens in ancient times?”

“Do aliens even exist?”

“I have yet to see any compelling evidence.”

“Go fuck yourself, have a nice day.”

“How are you feeling? Are you nervous?”

“Yeah, I’ve got the familiar knot that’s usually in my stomach when I go to these places.”

“The look of this building is so imposing.”

“I’m surprised you’re conscious right now.”

“I’m keeping it together for now.”

“There’s a chance that tonight is the night you see me die on camera.”

“It kinda looks like hell.”

“That’s just a big metal thing.”

“Hey ghouls, the boys are here!”

“It doesn’t have the most pleasant history.”

“It’s one of the most haunted places in the world.”

“This is where nightmares are made.”

“Fuck me, I feel awful right now.”

“Looks like one of the Conjuring films.”

“It was the plague of all plagues.”

“Just everybody died from it.”

“I feel like in every movie about a period before 1940 or something, there’s a part in the movie where someone coughs, and everybody looks at ‘em.”

“It probably didn’t help them, but they didn’t know what else to do.”

“I think the ground is cleaner than this couch.”

“Someone will come here in a week and see that and be like, ‘It’s a ghost butt!’.”

“If you’re here, we’re gonna be real quiet right now.”

“Hey, maybe make some noise.”

“Shockingly, I’m not really hearing anything.”

“This is the biggest upset. I did not see this coming.”

“Death was so common that the hospital actually contains a horrifying area called the Body Chute.”

“’They chutted him’ that’s so fucked up.”

“Oh my god, this is awful.”

“Now this is the nightmare.”

“You have gotta be fucking kidding me dude.”

“This is like Satan’s cement butthole.”

“How far does this go?”

“This is a witch hole!”

“What is that, the wind?”

“I don’t know what the fuck that was. It was some weird ‘woop’ noise.”

“What if I go up there, and you stay down here, and we turn our lights off and see if we hear anything?”

“What if you go fuck yourself, how about that?”

“How long am I staying down here?”

“Lights off in three, two, one.”

“This is sort of beautiful.”

“I didn’t even get to do all the things on my bucket list.”

“Is it a minute yet? Please tell me it’s been a minute.”

“Get me the fuck out of here.”

“I’m leaving, goodbye ghost at the bottom.”

“I’m gonna imagine that place is the closest thing to hell.”

“There’s no malice there, it’s just dead people.”

“What do you want them to do? Carry ‘em out on a golden, velvet couch?”

“I’m just saying, it’s an uncomfortable place.”

“How dare they dispose of my body! They should leave it in the hallway to rot.”

“It’s potentially one of the most haunted places in the world.”

“They claim they hear the sound of children laughing.”

“If you look down this hallway long enough, your eyes are gonna look at that darkness and eventually you start to see movement in darkness.”

“When there’s nothing there, your eyes sort of fill the void.”

“Yeah, I got chills even just thinking about it.”

“Have you ever heard that old thing about when you look at your face in the mirror in low light, and eventually it sort of looks demonic?”

“I hate you.”

“I’m kinda cold. It’s a morgue.”

“I’d feel stranger if there were actual dead bodies in here.”

“At least he went out with his best friend.”

“This is the worst thing you could possibly do.”

“I don’t want him to grab my hand!”

“What if he grabs my hand and takes the camera?”

“Well, then I guess we’ll have proof of a ghost.”

“To the man in the elevator: if you were pushed down this elevator, make a noise.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“This is why I didn’t want to do it, because I knew you wouldn’t believe me! This is bullshit!”

“It’s very breezy in here, so if you felt a breeze it was very likely that it was a.. breeze.”

“We’d like some confirmation that it was you. Please do it again.”

“Let’s get the fuck away from this elevator shaft.”

“Hey, ghost boy. My name’s [name], and this is my friend [name].”

“I heard you like balls.”

“I swear to god I’m not doing this on purpose.”

“‘You wanna play’? You sound threatening right now.”

“You wanna play? Let’s fucking play!”

“I’m very scared, but if you throw this ball back, I won’t be as scared.”

“Oh my god, that’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard.”

“I thought the ball bounced a couple extra times, but I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me.”

“I don’t know if that means ghost, but.”

“That’s the most serious I’ve ever seen you.”

“How the fuck is that possible?”

“Shut up, dude. You know this is fucking weird.”

“I don’t know what the odds are that my ball would land right next to a wall with my name on it down there that we didn’t know existed.”

“Maybe this ghost just loves to blaze it.”

“This is the floor I’m really not stoked to go on.”

“This is where we’re sleeping because we’re fucking idiots.”

“Go big or go home.”

“I swear to god I heard a whisper.”

“What did the whisper say?”

“Aw, man, am I just freaking myself out again?”

“You swear you didn’t hear it? It made my hair stand up.”

“I may have just woken him up but I don’t really care.”

“Why are you doing this to yourself?”

“I ask myself that a lot, too. I don’t understand why I do these things.”

“I woke up and I heard a voice and I was like, what the fuck’s going on.”

“Did [name] think I was a ghost?”

“I think the ghost wants to be your friend.”

“Well, that was a sleepless night.”

“You hear that ghosts? That’s [name] one, you zero.”

“You fucking wimps!”

“Do you think this place is haunted? I think it is.”

“There’s the demon hole.”

“I’m going to take everything said by a ghost hunter with a grain of salt.”

“Technically now you’re a ghost hunter.”

“Did your brain just explode?”