Quite late to realize this but I never really knew what a girlfriend or wife was. All I ever imagined was a better, deeper friendship. That was the problem. They did not see me like that, and also did not grasp how I saw them or were deeply displeased by it if they did. But it’s hard for me to come up with a better concept than friendship. The institutional, impersonal nature of marriage was a huge irritant to me. It is bright, noisy and involves far too many people. It invites the rapt attention of those who may not care for you at all, but depend on consuming the product of your union with another for their emotional regulation. I really found this abhorrent.
I am not saying that I never experienced romantic love or affection, that’s certainly not true. But the most powerful manifestations of these, by far, were built on friendship.
People bemoan male loneliness and posit that if men had more and better friendships, they would have better romantic relationships because this other, special kind of relationship would not be confused with friendship. But, speaking for myself, finding greater contentment in my friendships made me seek romantic connections less, not more. It now feels more like an adult chore, like investing. It’s interesting when you think about it, fun when it’s going well, but can also be a hugely frustrating source of entropy.
When I find women on dating apps who clearly just want to fuck, I don’t want to do this for a lot of reasons, but I realize that if I did I’d have no idea what to do or say to make that happen. I continue the conversation as normal until they inevitably unmatch me. But by the same token, when I am greeted with instant, melting, unearned romantic affection after a date or two with a “serious” person, I feel this deep sense of inner revulsion (“But we’re not even friends!”). I try to play along for a while, doing what I can to break my “super-friendship” pattern, but I just can’t. Seeing someone look at me with heart eyes who does not already know and accept my flaws just turns my stomach.
And I suppose I cannot resolve the question of whether or not my particular “super-friendships” were just not meant to be, or if I was barking up the wrong tree by even wanting such things in the first place.
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