Forever Sunshine

When I preach love in a time like this, my words aren’t credible because the church is not. I can’t help but feel the church is always part of the problem. We contributed to this mess.

Sibling rivalry is often a trite story of one sibling hating the other out of jealousy. On the surface, the Zuko and Azula may look that way. They have no problem blasting fire and lightning at each other and both of their parents had a favorite. But there’s so much more to it. 

First of all, I would argue that in spite of many near-fatal encounters, they don’t necessarily hate each other. It’s far more complicated than that. How they view each other is closely tied to how they view themselves.

For most of Zuko’s life, Azula is the standard he’s held to. She’s ambitious, ruthless, and a prodigy. No matter what he does, he can’t earn their father’s approval like she can. And she rubs it in his face constantly. When Azula is cruel to Zuko, Ozai affirms that she’s not wrong to do so. Zuko rarely argues with her because he’s been conditioned to believe she’s right. Zuko has internalized the blame for how his father treats him rather than project it onto Azula, and accepts how she treats him as normal. He has plenty of bitter feeling toward her, but none quite as clear as hate. 

Azula’s view of Zuko is even more convoluted. The first time we see Azula, she’s smiling because their father is about to burn him. The next time they meet, she berates him for being a failure of a son. It looks like she enjoys watching him suffer. 

But when Zuko helps “kill” the Avatar in Ba Sing Se, we get to see them in a new context. In the rare moments that they aren’t pitted against each other by the ever looming presence of their father… they actually get along fine.

Every time Azula appeared happy to see Zuko suffering, it was at the hands of their father. It wasn’t just that Ozai hurt Zuko, it what that Ozai hurt Zuko and not her. Every time Ozai insulted or injured her brother, it cemented Azula’s position as the favorite child. And she had to stay the favorite child because she’s seen what would happen to her if she wasn’t. Deep down, she knows just how conditional her father’s positive regard is. When Ozai leaves her in the Fire Nation while invading the Earth Kingdom, the first words out of her mouth are “You can’t treat me like Zuko”. Being better than Zuko is part of her identity.

When Zuko defects from the Fire Nation and begins to succeed without meeting, or even trying to meet, the standards set by their father, it throws her priorities into doubt. In her mind, Zuko is supposed to fail. But she isn’t truly unnerved until she’s betrayed by Mai and Ty Li. 

She is incapable of understanding why Mai would chose Zuko, and this drags to the surface her inability to understand why her mother preferred Zuko. She believed her mother loved Zuko and not her. Now Mai, her closest friend, loves Zuko and not her.

This conflicts with her entire view of the world. She sees the worth of a person as equal to their quantifiable skills and accomplishments. She has been admired, respected, and feared, but as far as Azula believes, no one has ever loved her. She was a prodigy who did everything right, while Zuko was the family screw up. Yet people loved him and not her.

For years, being better than Zuko was how Azula measured herself. Ozai said Zuko was lucky to be born. That he was worthless, weak, disrespectful, and both his children believed him. When Zuko left, he finally saw that Ozai was wrong about him. When Zuko returns during Sozin’s comet, Azula too is forced to see that her perception is wrong. 

Zuko has become the embodiment of everything she lacks.  She thought he was weak, but he’s not afraid enough to fight her fairly as an equal. She thought he was dishonorable, but really he was independent enough to break away from their father’s control. She thought he was worthless, but he’s found people who care about him in spite of his flaws. 

Azula isn’t just trying to kill him, but everything he represents. And when she can’t, she breaks. Zuko is still standing. She has nothing left.

Word of God (Bryke) confirmed that at the end of the Agni Kai, Zuko felt pity rather than hate for his sister. This continues into the comics as he genuinely tries to help her. He knows that while she may not have been overtly abused like he was, she was raised in the same web of lies, agendas, and violence.  

Their past left them both unable to trust people. Azula controlled everyone around her with fear. Zuko shut other people out and tried to do everything on his own. It isn’t until Zuko has left his old life behind that he slowly begins to let people in. 

Chapter 7: Stuck in the Middle

Cook was sitting on the marble floor in front of the massive brick fireplace, tending the flames as they danced in the hearth. I walked over, trying to act as naturally as possible, knowing fully well that this conversation could go south very quickly. Cook and I had built a lot of trust with each other, he told me things that he didn’t tell anyone else. He was comfortable being vulnerable with me and I didn’t want him to think that I was violating his trust.

On second thought, maybe delving into a touchy subject with Cook near an open flame with a bunch of sharp objects around wasn’t the best idea. I noticed that no one was out back on the dock and decided it would be a better place for us to talk.

“Hey, Cook,” I said nonchalantly. “Want to keep me company on the dock for a bit?”

“Anything for you, Princess.” He said turning from the fire, grabbing a jacket and following me outside.

We walked in awkward silence the whole stroll to the dock. I was thankful that it wasn’t raining today, I knew it rained a lot here, but I wasn’t expecting nearly this much. When we reached the dock, we stood at the edge, looking out into the distance.

“So, I know you’re not pregnant, because we never had sex, so what’s so serious that you had to bring me outside to talk about?” He joked, finally breaking the silence.

“What? Why would you think that I needed to talk about something serious? Can’t I just spend some time with my friend?” I found myself tripping over my words. I was never very good at confrontation, and this time definitely wasn’t going to be easy.

“Zye, you’re cute… and completely transparent. Are you going to tell me what’s going on? Or am I going to have to throw you in the lake?” He teased, moving closer to me.

I sighed and turned to face him. “So, Jack and I were talking on the ride up…”

Cook cursed under his breath and crossed his arms, turning ever so slightly away from me. “I can already tell that I’m not going to like where this is going…”

“Just hear me out, Cook. Please?”

He sighed. I took it as a sign to continue.

“So, Jack and I were talking, and I asked him about Eden… He seems really nice to me and I couldn’t picture him stealing anyone’s girlfriend…”

“Zye, I love you, but this doesn’t concern you. If you want to be friends with Jack, then that’s up to you, but leave me out of it.” Cook snapped, turning to leave.

“Cook, wait!” I reached out to grab his arm instinctively. “Please, I just want to make everything right… can we just talk about this?”

“There’s nothin’ to talk about! I can’t believe that Jack would send you to do his dirty work, stupid wank.”

“I didn’t send her, Cook, but she’s right, we do need to talk.” We heard from behind us. I hadn’t even heard Jack follow us, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t relieved to see him.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Jack. And to be honest, I don’t really want to talk to you much either right now, Zye.” Cook spat, snatching his arm from my grip.

“Don’t talk to her like that, she’s just trying to help.” Jack snapped, shoving Cook in his chest.

Cook stumbled for a split second. I could see his eyes glowing red.

“Cook, just breathe.” I said, timidly.

But it was too late. Cook was already deep in a rage. I had heard of what happened when Cook “whet off the rails”, but I had been fortunate enough to not have seen it myself… until now. Cook lunged at Jack with animal force, knocking him off of the dock and into the lake. Before I knew what was happening the two were thrashing in the water trying to land blows on each other. I managed to unfreeze myself, attempting and failing to make them stop.

“Stop! You’re going to hurt each other!” I screamed.

“He should have thought of that before he slept with my girlfriend!” Cook said, head-butting Jack at the bridge of the nose.

“I told you, I didn’t touch her!” Jack yelled, managing to throw Cook off of him.

The two were now circling each other like two animals on National Geographic. I was tripping over myself, struggling not to fall off the dock myself. Jack’s face was bloody and badly beaten: his left eye was swollen; his lip was going to need stitches. His nose was most definitely broken. He was in rough shape. Cook, however, barely had a scratch on him.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I didn’t sleep with her Cook! I wouldn’t do that to you!”

“Bollocks!”

“You were my best friend, like another brother to me! Why would I throw all of that away for a girl?!”

“I don’t fuckin’ know!” Cook yelled, diving at Jack again. Jack dodge, Cook missing him by a hair. Jack’s fist caught Cook in the jaw. Cook sputtered and spat out blood.

“James fucking Cook. You are the most stubborn man I’ve ever met.” Jack chuckled, wiping the blood from his nose.

To my surprise, Cook softened.

“Eden wouldn’t have slept with you,” Cook said, in a completely different tone. “Look at you, you’re a pansy! You can’t even throw a proper punch!”

The two erupted into boisterous laughter.

“Want to get dried off and have a drink?” Cook asked, extending a hand to Jack.

Jack took it, clapping Cook on the back and the two began to pull themselves out of the lake and onto the grass. They began to laugh as if nothing had happened.

“So that’s it then?!” I yelled, more than mildly annoyed with the two of them.

“What did you expect Princess?”

“Did you want us to talk it out and sing Kumbaya?”

“I was going to say braid each other’s hair!” Jack and Cook high fived and headed back to the cabin.

To be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure what had just happened, but I was just glad to see them speaking to each other again. That was when I realized that I was standing alone, in the dark on a dock in the wilderness. I quickly ran back to the house, calling after the boys as I went.

—

Everyone slowly made their way into the living room as the evening progressed. We were all strewn about here and there, some chatting, some on their phones, others simply enjoying the warmth of the fire. Behind me, I heard the front door open and then slam shut.

“Well, this is fine and dandy and all, but I was told this was a party.” I turned to see my cousin, standing in the entryway wearing a full lace bodysuit, a bold red lipstick and thigh-high suede boots. I looked down at my sweatpants and old t-shirt, feeling suddenly self-conscious.

“Well, I guess, that’s our cue!” Finn said jumping off of the couch. “Jack? Speakers! Fredds, sound system!”

As if on cue, everyone began to run around, most of the guys started setting up sounds systems and lighting, mixing drinks and hiding breakables. All of the girls took off upstairs to primp and pull themselves into versions of ourselves we wouldn’t mind having captured on camera.

I came back downstairs about an hour later to see that the main floor had been turned into a nightclub. There was blaring music, strobe lights, Cook at the DJ helm. I had in my hand the bag of leftover skittles. I tossed it nonchalantly to Finn and headed towards Maxxie at the “bar”.

“My, my. You clean up pretty well cuz.” She said eyeing me from head to toe. I did a quick playful shimmy to show off my black mini dress à la Posh Spice. I decided to skip the heels tonight and donned my cosiest pair of black flats. I’d just be sure that any pictures of me were of the ankle up.

Maxxie handed me a drink that consisted of 90% rum, 5% coke and 5% regret. I downed it much too quickly. I saw Finn’s hand materialize beside me holding an assortment of skittles. I closed my eyes, grabbed one, and popped it into my mouth. I laughed grabbing Maxxie’s hand and dragging her onto what had become the makeshift dance floor. I could feel the now familiar buzz of the skittle in the back of my brain. I began to shimmy and flail my arms with reckless abandon, enjoying every crescendo and bass drop in the music.

Soon everyone was in the middle of the living room, dancing together in a mosh pit of bodies, become one with each other through the music. For what felt like hours we stayed there, laughing, dancing and enjoying each other’s company. A faint rumbling in my stomach reminded me that I hadn’t eaten anything since I left my house, so I slipped out of the crowd and into the kitchen.

There in the dim light of the kitchen stood Freddie, chugging a bottle of what I hoped was water. I hesitated, then proceeded to walk into the kitchen and over to the snack cupboard. We stayed there in silence, as I rummaged around in the dark, grabbing what felt like a bag of chips.

“Care to share?” He asked as I retrieved the bag.

I opened the bag, extending it towards him. He took a few then returned the bag to me. I began to leave with it, my hand already digging into its contents.

“What did I do that was so horrible that you can’t even bring yourself to eat in the same room as me?” Freddie teased.

I froze.

“Zye,” I felt his hand on my shoulder, his voice now more sincere. “I have been racking my brain for the past few weeks trying to figure out what I did to offend you so much that you won’t even look me in the eye anymore.”

I turned to face him. “You really don’t know, do you?”

“No! I have no idea! I thought it was because I made the mistake of choosing Effie over you – which might I emphasize was a mistake – but I broke up with her that same night and you still won’t look at me. Did I come on too strong that night we were dancing? Did I misread a signal of some kind? Please, just tell me so I can fix this.”

He raised a hand and rested it on my cheek. To my surprise, no alarms rang out through me, no waves of repulsion. I felt myself being drawn to him, to his sincerity. I cautiously rested my hand over his, taking a step closer to him. He pulled me into his chest and I closed my eyes, breathing him in. I felt so safe there in the kitchen, enveloped in his arms. I found myself hugging him back, turning my head so that I could hear his heartbeat. Whether it was the drugs or a genuine connection, whatever I felt in this moment with Freddie was just as magnetic as that night in the club. I felt as if reality was melting away and all that remained was Freddie and me. His thumb gently stroked the small of my back and I felt a shiver run through my spine.

And then as if on cue, Maxxie’s tear-streaked face floated into my conscious and brought me back out of the clouds. I could see her before me telling me about what he had done to her. It didn’t make any sense to me, how could someone so gentle do something so awful? I felt myself become rigid against him. I began to push away.

“No, please. Don’t do this Zye.” He held on tighter.

“Freddie, please don’t make this any harder for me.”

“Zye, please…” His voice caught in his throat.

“No! You must be some sort of grade A psychopath if you think that I’d ever even consider being with you after what you did to Maxxie!” I snarled at him. I turned to leave the kitchen, glancing back over my shoulder to see Freddie leaning against the counter. His face was in his hands, his breathing was rapid and shallow. I forced back tears as I ran out of the house and onto the back deck.

Maxxie was out behind me in an instant with a blanket for me to wrap myself in.

“What did he do to you Zye?” She asked tenderly, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

“Nothing,” I said wiping away tears. I didn’t want to make this situation any worse than it already was.

“I saw you leave the kitchen and then Freddie. I thought I told you to stay away from him. Did he hurt you too?” She looked deeply concerned. “If he did, you can tell me. We can get you out of here. I have my car.”

“No, honestly Maxxie, I’m fine. He didn’t hurt me.”

“Did he try to pressure you into anything?”

“No!”

“Then what happened?”

“He…he just hugged me. That was all.”

“Ugh, that sicko! He couldn’t be satisfied with just me, so now he’s trying to groom you or something. Disgusting!”

“I don’t think it was like that Maxx. He seemed genuinely confused as to why I wouldn’t be anywhere near him.”

“He’s playing you Zye. He knows that you’re kind and a bit naïve so he’s preying on your weaknesses.”

“First of all,” I began turning to face her. “Since when is kindness a weakness? Secondly – ”

“It’s like you don’t even understand how the world works!” Maxxie interrupted me. “He’s a sexual predator!”

Maxxie pulled a cigarette from one of her boots and struggled to find her lighter in the other. I had only known Maxxie to smoke in three situations in her life: when she was drinking heavily, when she was trying to impress a boy, or when she was stressed about keeping a secret…

From about 10 feet away, I saw a lighter flicker. Effie stepped into the glow of the light coming from the living room. I hadn’t even known she was there before. She took a long drag from her cigarette, narrowing her eyes and offering the lighter to Maxxie. Maxxie shivered, accepting the lighter from her and lighting her own cigarette.