some super cool title here

❛ was that someone knocking? its not time for trick or treaters yet. ❜

❛ how can you watch movies like this? ❜

❛ stop predicting what’s going to happen next! you’re taking all the fun out of it. ❜

❛ you have to get real candy. we can’t be known as the house that handed out licorice. ❜

❛ if you scare me one more time, you’re going to end up getting hit. ❜

❛ you call that a costume? ❜

❛ it smells like a pumpkin threw up in here. ❜

❛ i brought a ouija board! ❜

❛ i don’t mess with spirits. ❜

❛ you’re just being paranoid. ❜

❛ can you go in first? i hate being the lead for haunted houses. ❜

❛ do you save all your black clothes just for fall? ❜

❛ i hate halloween. ❜

❛ halloween parties are only good for two things: dressing in lingerie and getting really, really drunk. ❜

❛ did you really eat all the candy? that was for the trick or treaters. ❜

❛ i feel like we’re being watched. ❜

❛ are you sure this place is abandoned? ❜

❛ we really shouldn’t be here. ❜

❛ why is everyone in horror movies stupid? ❜

❛ do not go in there, you’re going to get murdered! ❜

❛ i’m no expert, but usually there’s signs saying ‘do not enter’ for a good reason. ❜

❛ i’m not scared. ❜

❛ can’t we just sit on the couch, cuddle, watch scary movies, and eat halloween candy until we puke? ❜

❝ Stop man-handling the ice cream! ❞ ❝ Change the channel and I’ll kill you. ❞ ❝ You actual shit, you started without me!? ❞ ❝ Since I’m up, by default I will get your _____. ❞ ❝ Did you just throw a sock ball at me!? ❞ ❝ How about this, how about you fight the rest of the cereal by yourself and I’ll courageously make pancakes for those of us who want a little warmth in our mornings. ❞ ❝ Whiskey is a breakfast staple, anyone who says otherwise is fucking lying. ❞ ❝ My underwear are now bright pink because of you, thank you very much. ❞ ❝ Can you stop kicking me? ❞ ❝ I don’t go shopping I get and retrieve. I have a narrow focus, unlike some people. ❞ ❝ Did you walk the dog? ❞ ❝ You, me, PJ’s, pizza, bed. The PJ’s are optional. ❞ ❝ Only you could make the idea of beating up already dead meat sound attractive. ❞ ❝ I can feel you staring at me, why don’t you just come in? ❞ ❝ Good news; we have internet again! ❞ ❝ I don’t want to file taxes, why don’t you be the adult? ❞ ❝ You snuggling me over an open flame is an invitation for my nipples to disappear. ❞ ❝ I know you’re scared of my mother but contemplating arson isn’t the way to fix this. ❞ ❝ I installed a stripper pole while you were gone because it made me think of you. ❞ ❝ All I was doing was helping the barista learn to spell my name properly. The song and dance should NOT have gotten you that embarrassed. ❞ ❝ How about we just never mention this again? ❞ ❝ Have you seen my earrings/necklace/rings? ❞  ❝ You are literally the child we both want/neither of us want. ❞ ❝ Did you call the doctor about that? ❞ ❝ Let me pop it, just let me pop it, nothing bad will happen, I swear! ❞ ❝ You almost left me at the gas station! ❞ ❝ Alright look! Next time you want to barbecue with the hair dryer, just make sure I’m home! ❞ ❝ I didn’t think the sink had this much water inside of it. ❞ ❝ Don’t be mad, but _____. ❞

“What are you, stupid?” “I-It’s not like I care or anything!” “You just caught me by surprise, that’s all!” “I’m not happy! Don’t misunderstand me!” “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” “It wasn’t that great! I was just really convincing at pretending it was!” “I’m not doing this for you at all!” “If you think I’m going to miss you, guess again!” “You need to do better! Not that I expect much from an idiot like you!” “I just had some leftover from yesterday…I-I didn’t make these for you!” “You’d better be grateful for this!” “Don’t put yourself at risk for my sake…idiot.” “Hey! You better consider it a privilege I even converse with you!” “It’s not like I wanted to help you or anything, it’s just my job!” “It’s not like I want to go home with you or anything!” “Idiot! Go ahead and die, then! I don’t care!”