I think we best just get the balance right.

You were waiting at backstage for your turn to play at a big festival on UK. It wasn’t the first time you had to do it with your band, a few years ago you played earlier for a small crowd. This time it was different. Your band was getting bigger, and the fan base had grown up fast. You were nervous, as always. For you, playing shows was a mix of fear and joy.

The adrenaline ran on your veins since you woke up that morning and you went directly to the bath of the hotel room to throw up. You supposed you were just nervous, and didn’t say anything to the rest of the band or your manager, not even Van who was playing there too with his band. But as the hours passed, you weren’t feeling much better, and he noticed it.

“Babe, are you okay? You look pale, more than usual” Van asked taking a sit beside you at the sofa that the production had putted on the big tent for the bands.

“I feel a little sick but I’m fine” you replied, lying. You felt like shit.

The sickness made you feel dizzy. You stood up and went directly to the closest bathroom, of course it was occupied. The room was full of people. There was a trash can close to the restrooms, and without thinking you put your head on in and let go all your breakfast and the banana you ate a few minutes earlier. Van stood up and ran towards where you were; he took your hair and put it on a messy bun.

“Y/N, this isn’t fine” he imitated your voice.

“I’m okay, just nervous I guess.”

You still felt like shit during the entire performance and even after the show. When you came back to the backstage Van was waiting for you with a worried face. Your acting failed with him, he could read your mind and see though your soul.  He hugged you and whispered on your ear how fantastic you were and how proud he was of you. Out of the blue, you started crying. His words made you emotional, he said things like that all the time, but in that occasion you were more sensitive than usual. He wiped out your tears and kissed the top of your nose. You smiled at him, trying to convince him, and yourself, that you were fine.

///

The next morning you woke up suddenly, got out of the bed quickly and went directly to the bathroom to puke again. You felt your whole body weak. You rested your arms on the toilet, thinking about what it could be. It was unusual; waking up feeling sick two days in a row, you never felt something like that. This time Van woke up and went to check on you.

"Babe, are you okay?" he asked with his morning voice "can I come in?"

"Yeah" you murmured not sure if Van heard that but he opened the door slowly, anyways.

"What's wrong?" He sounded worried.

"Dunno, I feel like shit again" you voice was almost inaudible.

Van went on his knees at you side and put one of his hands on your forehead to check your temperature. It was normal. You didn't have fever, at least. He insisted to call a doctor, he said it wasn’t normal, and you couldn’t use the nerves as an excuse. You refused, doctors always scared you. That was your free day; you weren’t playing at the festival, or doing any interviews for promo. You convinced him that all you needed was to stay in bed and rest, maybe you were stressed or tired.

"Okay, so... can I help with something, some pills, water?" he looked at you with a frown.

"No, no, I'm fine" just the thought of swallowing anything made you want to vomit again.

He touched your back, trying to bring you comfort while you closed your eyes and took some deep breaths. After a few moments, he helped you to get up on your feet again and watched you in silence while you washed your teeth and your face, then he guided you back on the bed and wrapped you with the blankets.

"Thanks" you murmured closing your eyes, again.

Van pressed his warm lips on your forehead, softly and whispered "I love you" on your left ear.

///

The sound of the magnetic card opening the door woke you up, again. Van’s head appeared floating between the frame and the door, making a weird facial expression with his mouth.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” he said in a low tone.

“Yeah, but it's fine” you moved slowly and sat on your side of the bed, trying to incorporate yourself on the real world.

“How you feeling?” he asked entering the room without closing the door, just walking in your direction and taking a sit on the edge of the bed, right by your side. He left a plastic bag on your bedside table and touched your leg above the blankets; his eyes scanned your face, trying to decode your state, still with a worried look.

“Better, I think” you said, honestly.

“Do you want me to call a doctor, now?”

“No, no it’s fine, maybe it was something I ate, food poison.”

“Y/N, we ate the same food and I feel completely fine.” he had a point, you thought.

“Then maybe it’s a virus, I don’t know, but I’m feeling better, really” you smiled, touching his left cheek with your right hand. He ran his fingers through his hair; he did that when he was nervous about something.

“Van, I’m fine. Can you relax? You look more stressed than me and I’m the one who is feeling like crap” you tried to calm him but you did the opposite.

“See? You said it! You feel like crap, stop acting like you’re okay, Y/N” he wasn’t yelling at you but his voice sounded an inch higher, he used that tone when he was stressed about something, and it was rare on him. He usually was the one who stayed calm.

“Okay, if I puke again, then we’ll call a doctor, I promise” you offered him a truce.

“Alright” he sighed “you scared the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry” you said quietly. Van gave you a weak smile, but he kept his worried expression. You moved and pecked the top of his nose. “I love you” you confessed for the million time.

“I love you, too” he replied taking a deep breath “are you hungry? Wanna eat something?” he asked.

“Hmm yeah a bit, what time is it?”

“5pm, you slept all day, sleeping beauty” he joked, he was in his ‘happy puppy’ mood, like you used to say, again.

“Really? Fuck, I was knockout”

“Yeah, completely passed out” he agreed.

He called the room service and ordered the healthiest meal that they had. You rolled your eyes at how he was over protecting you; and grabbed the bag. It was full of supplies for sick people, a bottle of Gatorade, two of Evian water, a box of lemon tea, many different pills that you never heard about, and a pregnancy test. Van hanged up the phone and gave you his attention again. You looked like you have seen a ghost.

“Just in case” he clarified, lifting his shoulders.

“Do you think it’s...” you didn’t need to finish the sentence, Van already knew what you talking about.

“Dunno, maybe?” he replied, biting his lower lip “it’s a possibility, right?” he couldn’t help but gave you a wide smile.

Van always wanted to have kids, since you met him a few years ago he talked openly about wanting to have a family of his own, buy a house, getting married, having children, all the stuff. When you started dating it was something that you both discussed many times. The first big step was moving together, and it went great. The second thing was getting married; he didn’t propose you officially but gave you the necklace his father gave to his mom when they got married. It was a tradition, when he came to this world his mom gave it to him. He would do the same with the love of his life and his future kids.

You wanted all that too, he was the love of your life, every time you saw Van around children your heart melded and couldn’t help to think about having your own kids. He would be a great father, for sure. But on the other hand, you both had a very special, atypical and complicated lifestyle for including all those things on your plans. Both bands were getting bigger, playing at big venues for many people, all over the world. You both had a huge amount of loyal fans expecting new material, new tour dates, and you didn’t knew if you would be able to handle everything at the same time.

You put the small box inside the plastic bag again and took the bottle of water instead, trying to focus on something else. Van didn’t say anything about it, just switched on the TV and moved right next to you on the bed, with one arm open for you to cuddle by his side, as you always did.

///

You've bitten your thumbnail and bounced your leg sitting on the edge of the bathtub for a few minutes, waiting for the results of the pregnancy test. Everything was quiet, you were alone, Van was already sleeping but you couldn’t. Searching on your phone the symptoms wasn’t the best idea you ever had. It could be anything, a simple flu, a baby, or even cancer. The thoughts were running on your mind. You were tired of looking at the ceiling in the dark. You need to know if you were pregnant or not, at least.

The tiny object was burning on your fingers. You didn’t want to see it alone but you didn’t want to wake up Van and giving him high hopes, if the result was negative he would be devastated, you knew how excited he was, even if he tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal. But if it was positive, you wanted to share that moment with him.

You didn’t have to choose, a few knocks on the door told you that Van was already woken.

“Love? Are you sick again?” he sounded really concerned.

You didn’t answer so he opened the door, slowly. He stood up in front of you and looked to the tiny object on the sink; you put it with the screen down so he didn’t saw the result either.

“You did it” he said, gasping.

“Yeah” you replied contemplating his face.

“What does it say?” Van was pale as a ghost, more than usual.

“I- I don’t know, I didn’t check it yet” you sounded terrified, and you were.

“Do you think you’re- do you think it’s positive?” he asked, gulping his own saliva.

“Maybe, there’s a chance...”

A few months before, when you and Van were on a break from touring with your bands, you started trying to get pregnant but it didn’t worked. You went to doctors and all the results of your analysis were fine, they didn’t find anything bad, yet. But the world kept moving, and you both had to come back to your crazy lives, so you stopped trying and drop the subject. ‘Everything happens for a reason’ you said to yourself.

A couple weeks ago, it was your anniversary and you celebrated it taking a bath together, drinking champagne with candles all over the place, the lust and passion made you a bit reckless and didn’t use protection. You haven’t thought about it so much, until that moment.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?” he said, unsure of what you needed.

“No, no please, stay...” you replied immediately “let’s find out what it says together.”

You took the test and put it on one of his hands, and then you closed it with your palm against his knuckles while your eyes were connected with his. You wanted to tell Van how much you loved him and that he was the love of your life, forever, but no words came out of your mouth. He pressed his lips on yours, hard, and took the back of your neck with his free hand. You opened your mouth to kiss him properly, with desperation.

“I love you so much” you whispered, without oxygen on your lungs.

“I love you too” he replied “whatever it says, or whatever you want to do, whatever happens, I’m here, okay? I support you...” you nodded feeling the tears on your face.

You’ve never been more nervous in your entire life. Your heart was beating so fast, your hands shaking. You thought you will faint right there if you didn’t check soon what the result said.

“Alright” you said letting go Van’s hand. He opened slowly, he was shaking too.

You both looked at the small sign. Positive. You looked up to see Van’s reaction. His eyes were bigger than you ever seen before. His mouth opened but no sound came out. He was waiting for your reaction, or he was in shook.

You smiled and kissed him with your arms around his neck and your body pressed to his. He held you with force. You took a step back to look at his face again.

“We’re having a baby” you said, breaking in tears of happiness.

Van let go a laugh and a few tears too. His nose was red as his lips. He gave you a peck on your lips, without saying anything yet. Van was speechless for the first time in his entire life.

“We’re having a baby” he repeated touching one of your cheeks with the palm of his hand. “Are you sure? Do you want to have it?” he asked, and the colour of his face ran away.

You didn’t doubt it for a second. You were absolutely sure that you wanted a family with him.

“I’m fucking scared but yeah, I want to-” your voice broke “I want to have a family with you.”

Both cried and laughed at the same time, and kissed and hugged many times. Then he guided you back to the dorm and both went to bed. Van opened one arm and you moved your body close to his, laying your head on his shoulder.

///

The next few months were the most chaotic of your entire life, the tour-life didn’t compare to the changes you felt internally on your body and on your life in general. The morning sickness kept appearing, it was definitely the worst part. The best part was seeing your belly growing, faster than you and Van imagined. He was more excited than you about that. Another thing that you loved was seeing him while he touched your stomach, and talked or sang to the baby. It was weird but lovely. You never felt more happier.

Your band mates and ‘the Catfish family’ were very supportive and excited, too. They always made jokes about which instrument the baby was going to learn to play first, and who was going to be the favourite band member of the creature. You loved to see them discuss it as if was the middle East conflict.

But at the same time many thoughts were floating inside your mind. One of them was how were you going to tell the news to the fans. You were very shy and liked to keep your personal life in private. Van was like that too, but he was more transparent than you. He wore his heart on his sleeve all the time, without even noticing it, he couldn’t help it. You loved that. It was one of the things that you more loved and admired about him, but for the first time you felt like it was an inconvenient.

“Van” you said as you stopped singing a new song you’ve been working on.

He rolled his head on the couch he was sitting on in the music studio of your house. Van had built it as soon as you confirmed your pregnancy. You both always dreamed about it, and with a baby coming, it was the perfect excuse to keep working on your music while you were staying home. That was what kept you sane. You needed something different to focus your mind.

“Hmm?” he emitted a weird sound.

“How do you think that we should keep... this?” you pointed your belly behind the acoustic guitar you were holding.

“What do you mean?” he frowned, confused.

“I mean, I don’t know how we should communicate the news. People are starting to ask questions” you said, worried.

The fans were already talking online, making assumptions, after you made some public appearances wearing oversized clothes, not rare on you, you used to wear Van’s clothes all the time, but your figure was changing inside of them. Some people thought that you were getting weight, it was true. Others commented directly on your social media if you were pregnant. That was what freaked you out. You didn’t know how to handle all that attention.

“Fuck it if they talk” he sang, he was quoting one of his own song lyrics.

“I’m serious” you said, trying not to laugh about his stupid joke.

“Dunno, they’ll find out, eventually” he seemed so relaxed. “We can make an official statement like the celebs, you know? Like Beyoncé’s” you laughed “or we can keep it simple and if someone asks us, we confirmed it.”

“I don’t want to make a big deal about it, I don’t like being the centre of attention, like you” he rolled his eyes but he knew it was true, he was a Leo, of course he loved it “but I don’t want to anyone make money or take advantage of our baby.”

“I won’t let that happen, love. I’ll demand The Sun if it’s necessary.” You laughed, but that wasn’t the only thought on your mind. You touched your belly, thinking how the fans would react to the news.

“And what about the fans?” you gulped your own saliva.

“What about ‘em?” he asked really unconscious of all the bad things that ran on your mind.

“What if they get upset about me having a baby and taking a break from touring and stuff, what if they hate me for you know having a child with... you.” He moved to rest his head on your legs, and you started playing with his hair. “You act like it’s not a big deal but there are many girls out there dreaming about carrying all of your children and call them stupid shit” you sang Hourglass, one of his most famous songs. It was your turn for stupid jokes. He laughed like a madman.

“Are you serious, Y/N?” he said when he noted that behind your humor was your real concern.

“Yeah, I’m worry about all that”

“Oh c’mon, love. It’s gonna be okay. I promise” he sounded so sure of it that you relaxed a little “You’re over thinking and it’s not good for you or you both...” he touched your stomach and kissed it quickly. He was right, you were overthinking and overreacting. “We are in this together, I’ll take care of you and our mini-Van” he already had chosen a nickname.

“The fans will wait, they love you. If Beyoncé’s has done it, you can.” Another reference to your biggest idol, he knew how to calm your nerves with a stupid joke “And about my fans... well, they’ll get over it” He hushed his shoulders, “’sides, I’m making tons of new songs that they gonna to love it, just keepin’ ’em fed well, y’know?” he recorporated himself on the couch and gave you a kiss on your forehead when you rested your head on his shoulder, taking a deep breath.

He made everything looks so simple; you admired his capacity to be relaxed all the time about stuff that freaked you out. It was the perfect balance between your personalities.

Cooking was one of your favorite things to do. Since you were a little child, you begged your mom to let you play with the kitchen utensils and copied her recipes, trying to follow her steps. She loved it, too, but it was just a hobby for her, never thought about doing it for living. You did. You studied hard, playing attention to the master chefs in the institute, practicing at home, cooking for your friends, family and yourself. Then, when you graduated as chef and found a job at one luxury hotel. It was one of your biggest achievements.

At first it was a nightmare, being young and female wasn’t the best for start. You had to prove everyone, specially your boss, that you were capable of doing your job. It was exhausting. Many times you cried hiding between the flour bags at the back of the kitchen. But besides that, it was an amazing experience. Cooking fancy food, for many people, working with a big team. It was like you won the lottery. And that’s how you met Van. The golden ticket.

That day was one of the most stressful days of your entire life. Your boss didn’t show up at work, he called saying he was sick and left you in charge. By the end of the day you almost cried of tiredness. You just wanted to go home and go directly to bed. But God or the universe, or whatever who rule the world, had other plans for you.

You told your co-workers to go home. They worked hard and were as much tired as you. They deserved to rest. You finished washing your hands and let go a heavy sigh when Lucy, the manager, appeared from the salon and gave you a fake smile.

“Do you have any knife close to you?” she asked and you frowned.

“Yeah it’s a kitchen, duh” you said, joking. She was a few years older than you and already ruled the hotel. She was usually at the night shift so you would only see her arrive when you were about to leave, but she was always nice and friendly.

“I know, but please don’t take any of it” Lucy implored “please don’t kill me”

“Why? what happened?”

“We need one more thing and then you can leave, I promise but first... “ she made a pause “I need you to cook for six people.”

Your jaw dropped.

“SIX PEOPLE?!?! It’s almost midnight are you kidding me?” your voice sounded piched.

“I wish but no” she looked serious “there’s a rock band staying here, with their crew, they came back from the show and asked for dinner, sorry, I thought you knew…”

Of course you didn’t, otherwise you wouldn’t let all your team leave you alone cooking for a bunch of people. Your boss didn’t say anything. He just left you on charge of the Titanic.

“They didn’t ask for a special menu so just do something quick and then you can go home” Lucy said as if you had a choice. You just nodded and gave her a fake smile.

Pasta. That was easy, quick and everyone loves pasta. You had a special recipe for sauce that your mom teached you. Every person who has tasted it said it was the best sauce that they ever tried. And that time wasn’t the exception.

An hour later, you were cleaning the kitchen when someone knocked the door. You stopped singing the melody that was stuck all day in your head and watched at the direction where the noise came from.

There he was. You didn’t knew him, never saw him or heard his music. He looked at you with a smile on his lips, crossing legs,one shoulder resting on the doorframe, arms crossed above his chest. Hair wet from a recent shower.

“Can I help you, sir?” you asked, still contemplating his figure.

“Sir?” he laughed “please just call me Van” he walked in your direction and stretched his hand to you “Hi.”

“Hi Van, I’m Y/N, can I help you with something?” you repeated taking his warm hand.

“Just wanted to thank you personally for the dinner. It was the best pasta I ate in my entire life, my mom would kill me if she find out that I said that to someone else, but it’s true” God, that guy liked to talk a lot, your inner voice, said.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell her” you joked, still handshaking “thanks by the way, glad you liked” then you left his touch.

His eyes scanned the empty kitchen while you studied his face details. Long eyelashes, pinked lips, freckles all over his cheeks and forehead.

“Hmm did you cooked all by yourself?” he said after a long silence, you nodded “woah, that’s amazing and hard, sorry about that” he looked really apologetic.

“Yeah it was a hard day” you replied, not explaining him all the details.

“Shit, I feel bad for you having to work till this hour just for us.”

“No, it’s fine, really. I appreciate you coming by and saying you like it, seriously. It’s what I’m here for, it wasn’t your fault.”

“Alright, love, thanks again. I’ll leave you alone, sorry to take more of your time. See you around I guess…” he sounded a little sad.

“That’s okay. You’re welcome. Have a goodnight” you said.

“You too, Y/N” he gave you a hug before leaving. You collected your coat and your bag then finally went home.

The next day was more relaxed, your boss went to work so it was much easier to do your job. You didn’t noticed how important his presence was till he was gone. You weren’t prepared for that kind of responsibility, yet.

When you left, you found Van at the front of the hotel, with his back against the fancy wall, smoking a cigarette.

“Hello, love” he said as you passed by his side, trying to hide your smile.

“Hello, Van” you replied saying his name carefully. It was a weird name.

“Finished earlier, huh?” he pushed himself with one foot, leaving a mark on the white wall. Van didn’t noticed it, his attention was on your face, reading your expressions.

“Yeah, not cooking for rock stars tonight” you joked and he laughed, and you blushed.

“Sorry about that, again” he said moving his gaze to the floor, you stood in your place “so… are you free tonight? maybe wanna get a drink or something?” he put his hair back with his fingers, and waited for your response.

“Hmm I don’t know, I’m a bit tired…”

“C’mon, just a drink, as a thank you for that amazing pasta” he smiled and you couldn’t say no.

Something about his presence was very hypnotizing. Maybe it was his eyes, or his smile, or the sound of his voice, or the way he seemed so relaxed and confident all the time, or how he made you feel nervous and comfortable at the same time. You accepted his offer, it was wednesday night and you didn’t have any plans, anyways.

You suggested a bar where you went a few times with some of your friends, after work. It was a couple blocks away from the hotel so you both went walking and chatting, while he finished his cigarette.

The place was mostly empty, just a few men chatting on a table close to the windows, and a couple kissing at the back of the place. You sat on a chair, taking off your coat, Van sat opposite, leaving his pack of cigarettes and lighter at the table. Then, the bartender asked what you were going to drink. You both said a pint, unison, and the man laughed and nodded.

“So you are in a band, huh?” you said, starting the conversation again.

One of the first things you noticed about Van was that he was a chatterer. It took him just a second to tell you all his story. He was the lead singer, he was staying at the hotel with his band, Catfish and the Bottlemen, for a few gigs in town. The night before they played and went back to the hotel and ordered dinner for all the crew. Van said that they were tired of eating fast food, that’s why they decided to eat at the restaurant.

That night was their free night, and some of his bandmates decided to go at some nightclub, the others left to visit the city but he wasn’t in the mood for any of those things. He liked going out, but something more chill. Beer, good music, cigs, that’s all he needed, he said. He loved meeting new people and new places, but sometimes he just wanted to keep it simple, it helped him to keep his feet on the ground, in his own words. The next day they’ll have another show so he wanted to rest his voice and his body. After that, they’ll move to another town to play another show, and repeat.

“Sounds exhausting” you said when he finished telling you how complicated was his schedule “I will never complain about my job, ever again” his laugh echoed on the empty pub. You didn’t knew when the rest of the customers left, you were too absorbed in what the guy in front of you were saying. The owner looked at your table from his position behind the cash register and gave you a small smile.

“You kidding? You cooked all that stuff for us and it was delicious, I can’t even- I would probably burn the water” Van said and took a sip of his second pint.

“Well, if you can burn the water let me know cause you have some kind of superpower, water doesn’t burn, it evaporates” you correct him.

“See? I don’t even know how it’s called” you laughed louder than him.

“Anyways, I don’t feel like it’s a job. For me is like a form to express myself, it’s liberating, kinda therapeutic too. I know some days, like yesterday for example, it’s more stressful but at the end of the day, I’m getting pay for doing what I love, you know?” you looked up to read his face, you never talked about that kind of stuff with anyone, Van stayed in silence for the first time in the night, looking at you, lost in his own thoughts. “Sorry, sounds stupid saying this out loud” you added, both staring at each other.

“No, no” he was back on Earth, shaking his head. He moved in his own place and cleared his throat “that’s-” he doubted “that’s the most accurate thing someone ever said, that’s exactly how I feel. I understand you, completely.” he affirmed and you smiled, feeling the heat on your cheeks. “I don’t feel like it’s a job, it’s what I love to do and I’m grateful to do it for living, not for money, though. When the public sings the lyrics that I wrote in my old notebook, right back at me when we play them live on a stage, it’s fucking mental. That’s the best feeling in the world, doing something that you love and making people feel good, at least for a moment.”

You shivered, it was like hearing your own thoughts.

“That’s exactly how I feel when people compliment about my food, maybe it sounds silly for others, but for me it means that what I made with passion makes them happy for a moment, and it’s one of the best feelings in the world” you said.

“Never thought that a gig and a meal could have a lot in common” he joked “but seriously, I know exactly what you’re saying, and it’s incredible, really. I’m glad to… found someone who share that feeling.”

“Sorry to interrupt you lovebirds” said the bartender “but it’s really late and we’re closing soon, is there any last thing you wanna drink?” he asked.

“Hmm no, it’s okay” you replied first, checking the clock on the screensaver of your phone “I probably should get going”

Van asked for the bill and you went to the bathroom before the man returned. After discussing about paying, Van gave up and let you pay the half. He said he felt bad to make you waste your money because it was his idea, and you replied that it was your beer and you’d pay for it.

“Okay… since you cooked for me and didn’t let me pay for the beer that I invited you” he said when you both stepped outside “I think that you should go tomorrow to our show.”

“That sounds fair enough” you accepted smiling wide.

“Deal” he said putting his right hand out of the pocket of his jacket, offering it to you.