The Other Side

Going home was the only thing on my mind ever since the quarantine started. I regret not booking a flight the moment I was informed about the lockdown. I was full of excuses back then - mostly just scared to bring the virus home with me. Afraid of taking the risk, I was stranded in Cebu for 5 months, which felt longer during that time.

I was given an opportunity to go home (for free) on May but I declined for some reasons my dormmates can all relate to hahaha. I booked a flight on July but was cancelled a week before schedule because of the travel ban (sadt hahaha karma striking back real hard). I was getting more anxious then, of not being able to go home even for Christmas. My regrets haunted me for weeks — thinking what could’ve happened if only I grabbed the first opportunity given to me. I tried to be optimistic, but the consistent number of cases each day tells me otherwise.

Just when all hope seems lost, travel ban was lifted by August! Hahaha so I took the chance and booked another flight. That little doubt was still there, but third time's a charm, my flight pushed through.

Today was a pure bliss – one that I haven’t experienced for a long while since the pandemic started. I missed everything about this day – Dave (of course), the never-ending conversation, our shared sense of humor, eating our favorites, watching the sunset, visiting church to light candles before going home. Aaaahhh, it really feels great being with the right person. You just know it is because it brings joy you cannot easily put into words, and every moment just feels surreal.

This was not our first date since I got home, but today was special probably because we went to our go-to place in watching the sunset. Sadly, it wasn’t appreciated that much because of the gloomy weather. Nevertheless, I still enjoyed the moment because I already have my sunshine with me (Hahahaha :P). We savored on our drinks with the peaceful ambiance, continuing on with our exchange of crazy ideas.

This post is somewhat different from what I usually share in here, and it’s something so close to my heart, since this is the first time I will be talking about my struggle with acne. (Also, I won’t be talking about my skincare routine, but feel free to send me a message if you’re interested.)

As you can see above, I’m not blessed with a poreless glass skin. I have oily skin, which is probably obvious. My friends can attest to that hahaha. The photo on the left was taken 2 years ago - during my first few weeks in med school - and on the right was taken just awhile ago for the purpose of this post.

You do know that constant in your life? Normally, it’s a person, but mine are clusters of angry zits inhabiting my skin since I was 16. Puberty hit me hard in a bad way, and it isn’t really the best part of my life.

It started appearing on my forehead. As expected, I changed the soap I was using and tried almost every product I’ve seen on TV commercials with its claims in treating acne. Instead of clearing my skin, it actually got worse over the years. They started appearing on my cheeks, chin -- pretty much covering my face with blemishes. At that time, it seemed hormonal since they coincide with my cycle.

I lost count of the times I have changed my skincare products. Every purchase felt like new hope (but no sooner dies). I give it weeks or months before I try another product. Later on, I started feeling desperate. Who wouldn’t be? I was slowly crumbling inside, feeling ashamed of myself. Not a day goes by that I have not looked in the mirror and asked myself “Why me? Why do I have this? Why am I not blessed with good skin? Even my mom didn’t experience this back then.” It was an everyday battle that I try to win, even until now.

A friend of mine recommended a spot treatment that he’s been using for years, which seemed effective because it was evident on his face. I didn’t have any second thoughts, and tried it immediately. Just weeks after, my friends noticed the changes on my face. I thought they were just bluffing because it was too soon to see the results, right? But I saw that my skin was indeed starting to clear. I continued using it and switched on a mild facial cleanser. I was able to establish a skincare routine that really suits me. My face was cleared with acne, at least for awhile. Thanks to my friend’s spot treatment.

I thought my struggle with acne was finally over. But 2 years later, my acne came back, and was waaaay worse - they were already cystic and really painful. Despite being consistent with my routine, I really didn’t know what went wrong. Why are they back? Fck this. I learned to put on make up to cover those zits, but as expected, it was just a temporary fix. It even got worse! I was back to zero - I was back to the time not so long ago of feeling desperate to look for a solution. I cried, because I didn’t like the person I’m seeing in front of the mirror anymore, heck there were plenty of times I preferred not looking at it. I tried to console myself, keeping in mind that I am not defined by this. I keep on telling myself that I am still beautiful no matter what, but even how much optimism I try to feed myself, my insecurities overpowered.

This persisted until I entered med school - so if you’re thinking that med school caused all of these, you’re mistaken. Since my acne came back, I was tempted and switched to organic products. It’s really hard to resist change when you know the current one isn’t working anymore. I’ve been consistently using it for almost a year, and just got tired of giving a fck about how I look. I already came to a point of accepting that acne is my constant struggle. I no longer used make up to cover my blemishes, I no longer care if people stare at me, I was not affected of what people say behind my back anymore, even though I know that some of them really was concerned about me. I just got tired of thinking about it.

If you’re wondering why I didn’t seek professional help, it’s because I was afraid. I was afraid of spending too much that I won’t be getting the results I’m expecting. Besides, I’m not making my own money yet, and I didn’t want to ask my parents to set another budget for this. That’s why I kept it as my last option. 

Until months later, I discovered this Korean product that always appeared on my social media accounts. It claims to heal acne in just 30 days, and I thought it was too good to be true to see results in that short period of time. I researched about the product and its active ingredients. I purchased the toner since it has good reviews. I applied it religiously and didn’t expect anything from it, until my friends (again) noticed the changes. Well, I was already hopeless with my case, but as I compared my previous photos to the recent ones, there really was a difference. It’s true to its claim of healing acne in 30 days, which I really didn’t expect to see.

As you can see on the right photo, I still have acne scars. I may not have achieved the perfect skin yet, but I’ll take this moment as another win in my battle with acne. I’m 23, and I’ve been using the toner for more than a year now. It’s a long way to go in achieving clear skin, but I’m already happy with the results’ I’ve got. I’m happy that my acne is more controlled than it has ever been, and the it has been consistent since I used the product. Now, I’m already using other products from the same brand, and so far so good.

Today is the 70th day of quarantine. How lovely. I decided to write because I ran out of things to do. I covered my readings, finished three kdrama series and still continuing to watch other series and films of different genres. All of these in 70 days. Some of you might say it’s lame for me to just finish 3 kdramas since the ECQ started, but I had to stop watching before I feel sorry for myself in the end. Besides, I like to keep things in balance. My life has pretty been a cycle of watching, reading, eating and sleeping, which I bet a lot of you can relate.

Today, I sit on my white plastic chair and face my desk the way I usually do in an ordinary day here in Cebu. I should’ve been at home with my family right now, instead I’m stuck here in my dormitory just waiting for things to go back the way it used to be – which is nearly impossible to happen right now. I must say, this pandemic has really turned the world upside down. From the inside out, we are all in chaos – starting from the virus itself and how the chain of infection stops; the government; the privileged and the oppressed; some, or maybe most of us are at war with our inner demons every single day – the virus has exposed not only our weaknesses but, more importantly, our failed systems and shams of our society as well.

Every day has been a struggle for me ever since mid-April. I’m an introvert, I’m used to staying indoors and pretty much read books that will keep me company. This tells much of my childhood. I thought this quarantine is just an ordinary stay-at-home thing, but I was wrong. Since then, I’ve been feeling down and anxious. Homesickness on top of it, mixed it with fear of the unknown and my anxiety for my upcoming exams and grades, and just the thought of people suffering and dying not just because of the virus but for other reasons that could’ve been prevented or controlled if only we have the manpower and resources available. I thought it was just my hormones messing with me in my monthly period. But even after it, the feeling never left. It seemed like I always have to do something just to distract myself. I watch comedy films and series most of the time to make the mood lighter, which works actually, but not for a long time. As I go through the day, the feeling creeps in again as if trying to consume me. I usually cope with my everyday stress through sleep and exercise. It’s just harder to cope with things knowing that you are not in control of the situation. I didn’t know it’s this serious until I’ve been experiencing physical symptoms – I have a globus sensation in my throat, which I cannot confirm as of the moment; I also experienced sharp epigastric pain at night that woke me from sleep. I am now taking medications prescribed by my doctor online, and feeling much better. As a medical student, I studied the causes and risk factors that led me to my condition, nothing but stress can explain why I experienced those symptoms. But again, these are all assumptions unless I can consult a doctor that will assess me physically. Right now, I’m just trusting that the medications do its job.

Another day, another time to ponder and spend this time by myself – trying not to overthink and just let all my thoughts pour in. I feel lighter, writing really helps.

It’s been so long since my last post, and I’ve missed the feeling of writing and expressing.

I’m now on my 2nd year as a medical student, by the way, and it’s pretty rough lately. I just had a long day from clinics, and received my scores for the 5 long exams we took for this quarter.

Today I was bombarded with questions by my facilitator about my patient’s condition. I stuttered, but I was still able to answer most of it (especially the underlying cause) and come up with a primary impression. Yey for a new learning experience!

I checked my scores as soon as it was posted, and I was surprised with the numbers I saw. I only passed 2/5 exams. TWO OUT OF FIVE. I’ve somehow expected to fail in the first 2 exams, but I didn’t know it was that low. I also failed the recent exam we took, which I thought I’ll pass. It’s disappointing, really. And now I’m starting to worry, cos my grades went low the past quarter, and now this.

This school year has been good for my acads, but I really should do better and study smarter for the upcoming tests we have.

Dear Vaneh,

You are finally down to your last year in college! How fast, isn’t it? I can still remember your first day, feeling the excitement of becoming a freshman, and three years later, you are now feeling the excitement of being a senior, just a few steps closer to graduation!

But wait, let’s take things slowly. Your last school year (yes, claim it!) in college is just about to start. There are still classes to attend and clinical duties to accomplish - which by the way, starts at 7am (HAHAHA) - so the sound of the alarm will be the first thing you will hear in the morning once again. Reading your books will always be #1 in your to-do list, at home and in school. Say hello to your endless requirements and challenging exams that will surely knock you out. Your old friends will have a hard time catching up with you, because your free time will be the only time for you to rest and probably a day reserved for your family. Your life will most likely become a routine, but despite all these, may I remind you that you still have a life to live. Yes, college is your training ground before you become a professional and finally claim that shining moment to contribute something in our society, but your life in college does not revolve merely in studying, you should also make time to relax, unwind and have fun! Loosen up kid, learn to stop and do something that will make you happy. You also need that.

I know you’ve grown, but there are some things I want you to scrap out from your life - attitudes that I want you to change. I know it’s pretty hard, but if you really want to graduate on time, you are gonna do this for me. 1. Do not procrastinate, or shall I say, NEVER PROCRASTINATE!!! You’re aware of the consequences. Do I really have to keep on reminding you? 2. Stop wasting your time in scrolling your news feed on Facebook, interesting  photographs on Instagram and trending topics on Twitter. You have more important things to do, discipline yourself. 3. You learned to cuss and swear a lot (I kind of hate you for that), and I know you can’t unlearn it, so I am asking you to please give an effort to STOP IT and control that dirty mouth of yours.

Of course, I also listed some few reminders that you should always keep in mind for a successful and wonderful life. 1. I want you to always believe in yourself. That’s the least that you can do for me. I know this journey ahead of you is a little overwhelming, but don’t be discouraged and continue to reach that goal. 2. Aim high, but stay grounded. No matter what you become or how far you’ll go, never forget who you were before and recognize the people behind your success. Always be grateful. 3. The road to success is a very long ride, so you need to travel light. Leave any unnecessary baggage that will just delay your flight. Learn to forgive and let go of the past. Lastly, 4. Have faith not only to yourself, but also in Him. You can’t depend on your own strength and capabilities because you are limited as a person.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

You never stopped asking yourself “Why did I take up nursing?” and keep on wondering what your life must have been if you chose Chemistry instead. You can never get away with your “what ifs”, but it’s time to focus on what you have right now. Nursing is a calling - you are chosen and you have accepted this mission. You are here for a reason. Do not regret choosing to help people - even how demanding this profession could be. At this early age, you have already made a difference in someone’s life and I couldn’t be more proud of you.

A lot of sacrifices will be made in this journey, but let me tell you, all of these will be worth it in the end. You will graduate on time and a year from now, you will be: Vanesa Joy M. Valdez, RN.