pepene

Why do I collapse in on myself so easily? 'Delusional' is the word.

So caught up in my fantasies of us that I forget who you really are. Spread you on a canvas and painted over you again and again.

What is this? Am I trying to fix you? Maybe? I'm not too sure..

Coloring over those parts of you that show who you really are and even how you've treated me.

I don't like it. Furrowing my eyebrows as I paint over you again, warm and cool colors mixing to make a tornado of confusion.

Which has turned brown and merky.

I can't see you straight anymore.

Your smile. Or the face I loved to stare at so much.

I've forgotten what you look like already, staring at this canvas and hoping for my brain to fill in the blanks for me.

Show me what I saw before.

Before I painted over you to make you look better. Not to others but to me.

So I could feel like I deserved you. That you were good enough to love me back. Or even remember my name.

Or maybe be a better person.

Looking down at my paint covered hands with pity but I'm still confused.

The reflection of the paint shines through me and I'm not sure what I'm doing. Painting someone to be someone they aren't. So I could love them and their selfish wrongs.

Stupid.......Stupid and wasteful.

Wasting so much time on something so useless.

I'm unhappy now. A bit empty now.

Thinking about you. Looking forward to seeing you gave me a little bit of purpose.

Getting to see you in class or even passing you in the hallway. It completed me knowing that I would see you sometime today.

Hoping you thought I looked good, knowing how much I put into my looks.

It was cute at first, small delusions, smiling when you smile.

Now I'm striving to learn about you and try to find my place in your life which I know I don't belong in.

Two completely different planets colliding to meet disaster. Or is it just me trying to force myself into your atmosphere..?

Maybe opposites don't always attract..

Maybe it was best that you kept me occupied for so long, so worn out that I got tired of you. So special, yet so plain. So beautiful but so stupid.

...........(／。＼)