Vancu's Generic Stash

Do you know what it’s like, feeling like your heart’s being ripped out your chest when you go to message a friend, only to find out you’re blocked? Do you have any idea what it’s like, being suddenly unable to breathe as panic rushes through you, as you try to contact the other people to ask if everything’s okay, what might have happened, what you need to fix, only to never get a response? Do you know what it’s like to go to mutual friends to ask for advice, only to be told harshly that you’re “too needy”, or to have that mutual friend block you too?

And on top of all of that, you don’t know what you did wrong. You really don’t. No one came to you beforehand about anything you must have said or did that made them upset. No one gave you that chance to apologize and try to fix whatever went wrong. 

No, they would rather abandon you, knowing that they’ll be triggering this feeling inside of you, and you’re left to sink to the floor in hysterical tears, your mental health spiraling downwards so fast that you wish you were dead. Your whole body hurts, like it’s been trampled, and you can’t stop crying until your head is pounding, and you can’t breathe, and still you don’t know what you did wrong! 

And then the paranoia sets in, wondering who’s next, wishing you knew what to do to prevent this from happening again, desperate to bend over backwards to make sure the people you see as friends won’t abandon you next.

Is it simple? No. It never is. You get used to tip toeing around people because you don't want to accidentally hurt them. Because they get offended over the smallest things, like they would purposely want to be hurt. You can never be yourself, because it would weird them out. You give, give, give yet you never seem to receive. And you're trying. Trying to help. Trying to be good. And you're tired.

Then you stop sharing bits about your life, after all, they don't care. It's so hard to believe that once you belonged there. To them. It's embarrassing... Yes, realization hit harder than your martial art teacher in fifth grade. When you think of what could have been if you'd still cherished that fake thing, you feel something similar to anxiety. They'd have drag you down. To them. Because to them it's comfortable. But to you... It never was.

So you move on. You find new friends. Ones who understand you, ones you respect you. You can be honest. It's weird. They don't get hurt if you disagree? What is this? You feel joy. Because you finally show your true self. And you know what? It's pure extasy, so much happiness and gratefulnes.

They lift you when you feel down, they really mean what they say, they might be different than you, their interests, personality, lifestyle. Sometimes you argue. Sometimes you get hurt. But in the end, your love helps you overcome all hardships.