personal post
Let me first say, I use to be an honors student. Always worked hard at school and did very well. Something happened when i graduated high school. I’m not sure what. Maybe it was just the development of depression and anxiety? I reach out to strangers over the internet in hope to learn and understand why I am the way I am. Doesn’t seem that logical i know. I guess i am hoping that someone will see and tell me whats wrong with me.
I am in college now, and barely scrapping by each semester. I thought i was doing so horribly because i wasn’t sure what i wanted to do with my life. I found it hard to go to classes without a bigger goal. It took me a few years but i figured out a path and was expecting this newfound drive to appear in me. I was wrong.
I’m sitting here in the university library, 3-4 weeks behind in all my classes. Two exams tomorrow and one on friday that i am not ready for whatsoever. Overwhelming how much i need to know for the next two days. Probably impossible to learn everything needed so i fall deeper and deeper in a rut.
I just can’t seem to care. I know the importance of college and the benefits. I know what direction i wanna go in. BUT I STILL DON’T FUCKING CARE. I can’t take college seriously. I can’t take almost anything seriously. I guess i think to myself, why do i have to stress myself out, bleed my bank account dry, lose sleep and work hard for college, for a degree, that is only necessary because humans set it up this way (at least in america). My feelings about this don’t change what i need to get done to succeed in life, it just makes it harder.
Am i just lazy, is it the depression, why did i use to care and excel at school but now i dont? i dont understand myself right now. People tell me to “just do it”/ “you just have to do it” .....but thats not enough for me to actually do it. My future depending on myself is not enough for me to do it either. i don’t know what my issue is. Feel free to talk to me
