yeah i'm good i just realized i answer the phone with the same cadence as my grandpa. my laugh still lines up with my childhood best friend. my feet still know the way to the crossing even when it's overgrown. all this is to say that even under all the grime there is still something good, something feather-light and holy. the gold-spun cloud of it still lives in my chest.

i'm good, it's just that there's still this open wound where my ribs should be. and sometimes i run into people who saw it being carved there, and i'm afraid they will only ever see the blood. that's all.

yeah yeah i'm good it's just that my soul is always at least half-on-fire and it is burning my throat. i'm still holding hands with the ghost of my childhood, pulling her along. i still want to scream with every exhale sometimes. i still miss the sea. i don't know how to put down the armor. i am still holding my hands out, always waiting for the next breath.

yeah i think most people are good actually. like have you seen kids that advocate for unloved animals with like, the fire of a thousand stars in their bones. have you seen david attenborough. have you ever been to a live concert. the singers don't even have to sing for the song to be there. have you seen the new moss concrete walls. have you ever spoken to a scientist? i want to put every politician in a room and shake them until they get it. we could still fix things! this is the only fucking planet we've got and most of us are just trying to make art! we're just trying to feel the sun! we just want the tadpole pond not to dry while we wait for the rain!

idk. i just noticed i share a laugh with my childhood best friend, and even after not-really-spending-time-together-in-years we still say the same things at the same time and it's like. oh. yeah. your soul is still inertwined with mine. i get it now. our souls are still linked at the elbows

i don't know. maybe this is just the undiagnosed abused eldest daughter talking, but i really don't know how to let any of this go. how am i supposed to feel like anything but a burden. am i ever supposed to feel like i'm the correct shape for this world. how am i ever supposed to feel like. i don't know. like just a person instead of a function. i don't know how i'm supposed to learn to bend around this. i don't know how i'm supposed to stop trying.

the older i get, the clearer it becomes how kindness is an instinct, not an extra step. and i know what the world is like now. i see it from the outside. and my jaw is tight with it; it is so easy. to be kind. to love. to care. and the further removed i am from my childhood the clearer it becomes that i was never the problem. i was just a child.