My Own Private Revolution

Realised a few hours ago that I need this as some kind of creative output. I wrote for hours last weekend and it felt great. I wrote nonsensical sentence, two half thoughts, really just garbage and words that were appearing my head based on the word before. Garbage but it worked. This week has been working all day, working all night. I’ve been running again. Tendon in my arm finally healed and played squash 3 times. I had highly stressful meeting (non-work, cash in hand web work.. for a company i did 3 sites for over 5 years and got them from nowhere to pretty big. Theyve buolt a new factory and now got 2 designers in and they wanting to shnake the business off me. I’m LOL inside, saying stuff just to fuck with the two of them, to see them scramble and put me down. I gave the boss of company a few glances (to fuck with him too). He knows i’m too honest to take what i’m worth off him and write long emails describing every change and proposal, what it will do before i do it and undercharge. I left early to go to squash and he walked me outside and i said ‘just give them the website too, i really don’t want to work with them, i can’t be bothered and don’t need the added tension’. He grabbed me by the arm (not that i was moving) and said you aren’t going anywhere. I trust you and need you to advise me and make sure this all works. For 4 hours tonight ive been running it over in my head and still cant decide what to do). I’ve got 5 companies all giving me money each month and none of it is worth the pressure and responsibility. I’ve done one this month for a first time business getting them online, doing the reasearch for seo and target market, doing a wee logo... these are the ones i dig. Wordpress gets crawled constantly, 2 sites have grown into things i don’t have time for and require me to spent too many hours on. I need my own gig anyway, fuck webshites, i should not be propping up and making it happen for others, where does it leave me in 5 years. That guy offered me percantage in company then retarcted 18 months ago, carrot dangled, carrot retracted. Yes, it is selfless and i feel obliged as gave me money originally but that’s not doing right by me. The money i get pays my mortgage but where is my time, to come home and breath, take time on my health, feed my brain with books and pick up my fucking guitar. Not wipe my brain with 1 hour of a show and dinner and then hunch over my laptop for 4 hours until i fall asleep shattered and wake up tired and grind my 8 hours, then start the evening session again. Is it any wonder in 2016 i nearly fried my brains with acid at the weekends. Nah, we’ll keep it one paragraph of rant. It’s been 3 year (maybe) since ive posted and delighted to see many of the people i followed are still posting. I’m back for a bit to get juices flowing again, not what i’m doing tumblr for, to type things noone has time to read but after being awake for 20 hours and working all friday this is about all i have to give. Writing it down can help clarify it in my mind, reading it back will give me how it may seem to others, read it as though it was someone else’s dilema. Is it a big dilema. Is it asking yourself if you are selling out? Selling your life and free time for a bit of security. My 5 year plan is nonexistant. 2 years of bitch leach (who i love) and it’s been 3 months and i still ache lying in bed alone. No cigarettes for months, running and squashing and working. No drugs for 6 months. Still wrestling with demons of anxiety and depression, then flying on adrenaline and endorphins for hours, only to be slightly reminded i may be fronting as i stand in some busy shop buying stuff i dont need to buy right now, or stuck in traffic going to that shop for stuff i don’t need. Tmrw i’m going out to buy wood and be a man and panel a garage as i have fuuuck all else to do. I’m off to sleep in my living room sofa and no doubt fall asleep as i finally get around to watching my illegal copy of jackie which is probably going to blow goats. Moonlight underwhelmed me, i’m cynical and almost rebelling against myself, me who loves an indie movie picking holes in it for i don’t know why, it did touch me, what do i want in a movie, a labotomy? Yes.