Anxiety! at the Roller Skating Rink

“The stars surround us, the earth holds us, and Darkiplier’s overwhelming, bitter aura keeps us unfailingly on schedule. Welcome to Egos Incorporated.”

The Host shuffles his papers as the musical interlude plays, adjusting his microphone a final time. The braille feels familiar under his slightly calloused fingers and he smiles, though his listeners can’t see it. 

“Welcome back, sweet listeners. The strange, new building that appeared a year back appears to have a turbulent lightening storm happening around it. Weather Jim has yet to find a reason for it, but suggests that unless you’re Mayor Damien, Celine, Actor Mark, or the Colonel William, stay far away. 

“The storm has not gone past the Manor’s borders into the trees, but it is still recommended you keep your distance lest you want the inconvenience of temporary death.” The Host takes a sip of his coffee, humming. No one likes dying, no matter how temporary. 

“Speaking of death! Our intrepid television stars, Wilford and Bim Trimmer have announced their new series, Wheel! Of! Death! Spin the wheel, choose a horrifying way to die, the ego who survives wins an a night at Chef Iplier’s esteemed restaurant. Sign up to participate in the Egos Inc. lobby, the right of Artiplier’s terrifying drawing of his Red Deity. It’s two dollars per entry. Tune in Thursday night at eight for Wheel! Of! Death!”

He pauses as a note is passed to him, to his consternation not in braille. Glaring is enough to make poor intern Jim whisper the message into his ear, though no doubt the sensitive microphone still manages to catch his faint murmuring. 

“Ah”, the Host says, “Dark would like to ask Arti to stop drawing effigies of the Red Man on the walls. The building does not like it and is refusing to let anyone into the kitchen until they’re all washed off. That is… certainly a problem seeing as we’re supposed to be hosting dinner for the Septics and Sides today. Can’t exactly make a feast in the Treehouse kitchen, no offense Chef Iplier. I’d suggest the Manor Kitchen if not for, you know, the lightening storm.”

A silent vibration from his watch catches the Host’s attention, and he grins. If he still had his eyes, they’d gleam. 

“And now folks, the weather.”

Do you have any unpopular theories/headcanons most people in this fandom may disagree with?

Thank you! I really appreciate it.

I usually talk about headcanons and theories here, but if you're talking about something unpopular, it's probably this about Damien. (cw: dead body)

To begin with, this is just one fairy tale narrative (little red riding hood), which is thus elevated to the rank of "quintessential fairy tale" (debatable at best); secondly, this is a (deliberate?) misrepresentation of the tale's *actual* danger, which is the wolf specifically *as it lowers the child's defenses by impersonating her grandma after eating her*. It's not about the child being attacked by a wild wolf in the forest, it's about the horror of using familiar and comforting surroundings within the family sphere as a decoy (the plan is quite an elaborate one, too). And finally, this ties into my main remark, which is that in many fairy tales (a majority? I don't know), the danger children (or more generally fairy tale protagonists) face is less related to a foreign monster than the family itself: snow white, obviously, but also hansel and gretel - abandoned in the forest by their parents, twice!; rumpelstiltskin: the heroine was sold to the king by her lying, greedy father, and risks being executed by her master for most of the tale; donkey skin (self-explanatory); bluebeard (similar forced marriage situation); cinderella (and all the cruel step-mother stories in general...) - also self-explanatory...