Valerie Hell

made a song about going to family parties as a young trans person

D G D G I would be scared if I wasn't numb to it I'd call the police if you weren't my guardian A G But we're family, so I don't scream A G I just sit there quietly D G D A As my Mom says he's just like me and needs understanding D G D G I'm an adult when they want me to be I don't react enough, I react too strongly A G I'm a kid who can't scream when they want me to be I'm whatever they call me D G A Can I stay anything? G A F#m G Write down the same words again and again and erase them G A D "I don't know what you want from me" G A F#m G I can forgive, but the problem is, that I can't forget G A D I don't want to tell you the words that my therapist said F#m G F#m G We are so patient It's hard to raise an autistic Bm A D It takes a lot of love G A F#m G "It's always autistic, it's not an excuse" Well you're always bipolar, and that works for you! G A D If you can lash out at me, I can lash out at you too! If you can bring up my past, then I'll bring up what you put me through!

Today wasn't too busy, I worked another 6 hour shift, something I've gotten used to by now. I took out the trash for the first time, and I didn't know there was a thing on the side that opened, so I tried to lift up the lid and get the big trash bag in the bin myself, and I ended up getting weird garbage juice all over my arm. As long as the bag didn't rip though, I was fine. That was really the only thing I was worried about. Our sort-of head manager came in today, I respect his composure, but he comes off as really cold, making him pretty much impossible to read for me. He rarely laughs, or even smiles, just kinda seems purely determined to work, which I can respect. I'm starting to get the impression that a few of my coworkers don't really like me? I think one of them just had an especially bad morning, though, since I overheard them talking about it. I get a bit nervous that I'm doing a bad job, again with how cold our manager can be, but he told me at the end of the day that I did a great job, which was both a relief and a great thing to hear. Some guy came in and started ranting about how much he was driving, which ended up turning into a conversation between us about family, since he started talking about his mom having health issues, something I can personally relate to. I enjoy the moments where I get to interact with customers on a level that's a bit deeper than what I'm kind of supposed to say.

My shift was also 6 hours, in comparison to my 4 hour shift yesterday. My legs are killing me after standing around for so long, but I still need to get that full-time 8 hour shift, as I need the health insurance to afford my medications. Shitty world we live in where that's the case, but it's whatever, if I have to work I'll do it without complaining (that much). There's this in between that I've come to enjoy where work almost feels fun, when it's not too busy to where it becomes stressful, and not too empty to where it becomes boring. There's this older guy that comes in and asks for his fries "Texas Style", and I accidentally gave him the wrong kind because we don't have "Texas Style", we have curly and crinkle fries. Apparently he meant crinkle fries and I put the wrong thing in while taking his order, so we got him some fresh fries, which is another thing a lot of the older customers come to expect, usually also being regulars of our restaurant. At the end of my shift I got my employee discounted meal, with a strawberry lemonade. :)

DAY 3 Today was the aforementioned "Church Rush", busiest around of course when Sunday mass ended and all the families came in. They all seemed to know each other, talking to one another and eating together, which made me think about church and how alienated I used to feel in comparison when I used to go as a kid before it was my choice. Compared to yesterday, I felt a lot more composed today, most likely because I took my ADD (or ADHD, whatever) medication before I went to work. I was getting a lot more done, and I actually felt like I was an asset to the team rather than a detriment. Despite all the questions I frequently have about what to do, I got the hang of the basics by now, even taking orders pretty smoothly. A coworker who has been doing most of my training kept pointing out that I often forget to give customers their drink cups as I take their orders, which I forget more than anything somehow. I call my mom during break and let her know how my day is going, suggesting today that she should come in with my step-dad and brother tomorrow for lunch and order some food, mainly because I want them to see me working and in my element for once. I've felt like for a big portion of my life, I haven't really given them much to be proud of, if anything at all, so having them see me work a job and doing it well would be nice. Older customers tend to make me a bit nervous for various reasons, one being the fact that we provide senior discounts on certain items, and I haven't exactly got the hang of the discount system yet, but so far, we haven't exactly had any customers I'd call "mean." Today felt productive, like it went well, and I'm looking forward to improving and becoming an increasingly useful asset to the team.

the working force

Today was a lot more hectic than my first day, which felt relatively smooth. I think as I receive more and more training, there's more that is to be expected of me and it stressed me out a bit. I also made my first "fuck-up" when I heard the fryer beeping and took out the wrong set of fries, ruining that batch. I apologized a lot, pretty much once to every person on the team, and they kept saying it's okay, nobody's mad at you, everyone makes mistakes, etc, but it kind of felt like they were a little pissed about it, if not very. I'm definitely feeling my autism a lot more lately, and have been feeling a lot more self conscious about how it stunts my performance in the workplace especially. I'm not exactly getting exhausted yet, but tomorrow is Sunday, AKA "Church Rush", our busiest day. I'm really nervous as to how it'll go. Tune in tomorrow for an update on how that goes.

Using this more as a blog now. Gonna probably post more stuff

Covered Baby Teeth by Jack Stauber!

Here's a song demo I haven't posted in a hot minute lol

spy vs spy

check this out

self portrait

Jeff!

PUPTHEBAND!!!