Riley: When we die. What happens?
Erin: Yeah, what the fuck happens?
Riley: So what do you think happens when we die, Erin?
Erin: Speaking for myself?
Riley: Speaking for yourself.
Erin: Myself. My self. That's the problem. That's the problem. That's the whole problem with the whole thing. That word, "self." That's not the word. That's not right, that isn't...That isn't. How did I forget that? When did I forget that?
The body stops a cell at a time, but the brain keeps firing those neurons. Little lightning bolts, like fireworks inside, & I thought I'd despair or feel afraid, but I don't feel any of that. None of it.
Because I'm too busy. I'm too busy in this moment. Remembering. Of course. I remember that every atom in my body was forged in a star. This matter, this body is mostly just empty space after all, & solid matter? It's just energy vibrating very slowly & there is no me. There never was.
The electrons of my body mingle & dance with the electrons of the ground below me & the air I'm no longer breathing. & I remember. There is no point where any of that ends & I begin. I remember I am energy. Not memory. Not self.
My name, my personality, my choices, all came after me. I was before them & I will be after, & everything else is pictures, picked up along the way. Fleeting little dreamlets printed on the tissue of my dying brain. & I am the lightning that jumps between. I am the energy firing the neurons, & I'm returning.
Just by remembering, I'm returning home.
& it's like a drop of water falling back into the ocean, of which it's always been a part. All things...a part.
You, me and my little girl, & my mother & my father, everyone who's ever been, every plant, every animal, every atom, every star, every galaxy, all of it. More galaxies in the universe than grains of sand on the beach. & that's what we're talking about when we say "God." The one. The cosmos & its infinite dreams.
We are the cosmos dreaming of itself. It's simply a dream that I think is my life, every time. But I'll forget this. I always do. I always forget my dreams.
But now, in this split-second, in the moment I remember, the instant I remember, I comprehend everything at once. There is no time. There is no death. Life is a dream. It's a wish. Made again, & again, & again, & again, & again, & again, & on into eternity.
& I am all of it. I am everything. I am all.
romaincrisis
turnnoffyourmind
snowghoul
jacobvanloon
