Liv Reckless

the ocean in me has dried up,

i am not floating i am not floating i am not floating

with a piece of my nose just above the surface

(the rest of my whole body waterlogged, soggy),

the ocean has evaporated, the vapors raise me back,

i am firmly within my skin, my bones, my blood, my mind, my spirit,

now i must form myself

the ocean, it breathes with a heaviness only God knows.

The clouds on the horizon are thick and grey.

They hold their rain

as I hold in my storm.

As I stand on the shore; finally standing.

With a power surge in my chest,

my feet tense up, toes gripping the sand,

calves constricting.

I feel this surge up to my brain

behind my eyes.

As if God blew a kiss,

a curtain of wind drapes around me,

swirling my hair about,

now long, past the storm

that held my gaze on the porch

a small time ago.

the same storm with the willowed locks,

the same storm with metal on metal,

and searing anguish in my heart.

And now this was a different surge.

It felt of power,

of control.

It felt like my heart slowed,

to a deep ticking,

like a clock.

I wonder what I am searching for,

what my eyes reach for.

I left my troubles in the water,

God brought me to shore,

and I ran about,

when He called for rest.

I am not looking for the past.

I am looking at the storm.

I am safe where I stand

and now I am still.

I close my eyes,

and breathe.

When you just want to sit and cry your pretty little heart out?

Not to be heard or understood,

Just to feel.

To let go of the burden from your shoulders,

To ease the pain that stays sharp in your chest.

What then?

To be at a point where YOU aren't comfortable,

When YOU can't even fathom your own existence.

Where you don't want to do.

Where you don't want to see.

Where you don't want to say or think.

Where you just don't want to be.

What now?

How do you grow up?

If even a little.

To tend to your broken self,

To hug the child that felt no love.

To wipe their tears and hold them close.

A promise to help and protect from all the evil in the world,

From the evil that's fed within yourself.

To yourself,

By yourself.

How do you redeem yourself?

To be saved from the damnation you so blatantly caused?

Can you truly hit RESET and start over new when the rooster crows at sunrise?

If there's hope for you,

Maybe its just not in the cards for me.

I can try,

I can claw, and scratch, and break my body,

In a vain attempt to be something more.

Something better.

It's all so fruitless.

Just a fragile, pathetic plea to a universe,

That has long decided what I am.

Maybe I need to be okay with that.

Maybe I can't.

bleed me dry of everything that may be

watch it pool around me and my light fade

the way my eyes dull while looking up at you

let me feel every ounce of regret

because I gave you everything I was