More Issues Than Vogue

Honestly, my mental health has deteriorated a ton. Some stuff has been going on for months and while I can’t share details all I can say is I won’t forgive a handful of people for a very very long time. I’m reliving childhood trauma on top of facing one of my biggest fears and my anxiety has been so bad it feels like it’s killing me. And all I can do is laugh it off. All I can do is give it to God at this point. There’s nothing I can do and that’s so fucking painful. I slept for almost two days straight and didn’t eat anything for 36 hours and when I finally did I wasn’t even hungry, I did it so everyone would stop bugging me about it. All I can do is laugh through it.

I haven’t left tumblr completely. I still come on here occasionally but I don’t really have much to say. All my friends aren’t on here anymore and if I post about my bf I get a lot of negative messages about him. We’re currently waiting to hear back about an apartment and some other stuff all while my sister has moved back in with us and she’s expecting her second baby at the end of next month. I’ve also been dealing with a lot of medical stuff the past month and a half and I feel drained and not like myself. So I’m here, just very quiet.

My absence has been mainly because of people being mean about B and I being together but so much has been going on I’ve been focusing on platforms my friends and family use to keep everyone in the loop and just have connections with people I haven’t been able to see. Yesterday morning B and I lost a close friend of ours in a horrible accident and no one is taking it well. Both of our families thought a lot of him and some even considered him a son. Even my nephew loved him. It’s been very hard for B and I to process and that’s on top of the shit ton of other stuff going on. I just don’t want people thinking I’ve completely abandoned my blog. I’m still here. I check notifications and messages but I’m probably not going to post much and I really haven’t been given a reason to, in fact it’s been the opposite. It’s been hard to share anything on a platform where the people and things you love are bashed for no reason in your inbox. B is aware of this stuff happening and this account but has no interest in being on here. But I’ve dedicated well over a decade to my life to this thing and don’t plan on getting rid of it. It’s just going to be very different from now on.

“You can’t tuck your pants into your cowboy boots” okay well it’s forty fucking degrees, it’s been pouring for two days and I’m so exhausted I don’t think I could get half the shoes I own on if I tried. They’re comfortable enough, I can get the mud off them easier than suede or fur lined ones and I can wear warm socks with them. I don’t give a single fuck.

We’ve been told things only to have people not follow through or do a complete one eighty so much the past two months. I really don’t want to have the awkward “hey everybody my depression is getting worse please help me” conversation, especially not with my bf, grandma or bf’s mom.

Our six month anniversary was yesterday. My grandma asked me why I don’t seem as excited for Christmas as I always have been. She’s really worried about me and I didn’t have the nerve to tell her it’s hard to be excited about your favorite things when your soul is fucking crushed because the love of your life might not get to experience them with you.

I hate when people make assumptions about my boyfriend. I’ve received two messages asking about situations he’s not involved in and trying to get me to “wake up” and leave him. And I’m irritated. I don’t talk about him on here much and probably won’t after this at all. I’m angry. Whoever you are you’re wrong. This man sent me flowers for my birthday. Every weekend I spend with him he either cooks for me or pays for my dinner, I’ve gotten him (and a few times our friends) food maybe five times and that’s not even a full weekend worth of the meals he gets me. We spent all summer on the lake and he made sure he did his best to keep me from getting sunburned and if I did he coated me in after sun burn gel. I’m not even supposed to touch door handles because he wants to open doors for me. He’s sat through almost both full seasons of Wednesday all because I wanted to watch it, somebody even said they’ve never seen him watch that much tv until we started that show. If I say I want to try something or I’m interested in something he tries to find it for me and sometimes even gets disappointed if I find it and buy it for myself because he wants to. I get asked if I’m sleeping and eating okay. I get asked about my day and my mental health. If I miss a text or call when I would usually answer he gets concerned but never mad because he knows I’m probably napping or insanely busy and that I either need the rest or I’m dealing with more than I should have to. He reminds me that I’m worthy of treating, loving and being kind to myself. Even when the world is crazy or bad things happen in mine or his neighborhood I know if I’m with him I’m safe. He’s already said he’s going to get extra hours so he can save up more for Christmas and make it special for me because he knows it’s my favorite holiday. Any time I bring up doing a craft or something like building a Lego set or painting, he’s down. When I have to go to the doctor and have labs drawn he’s offered to be on the phone with me if I need him for support. We’ve had random people from other parts of the community decide to trespass and bang on our windows at night and try to break into our cars and he’s the first person I called and he stayed on the phone with me while the cops got called because I was terrified. When life is just too much and I’m with him he holds me while I cry and he’s there until I’ve let it all out and I’m good. If I feel sick or my anxiety hits he does whatever he can to help, and sometimes there’s nothing anyone can do so he just toughs it out with me. So whenever people say he’s dangerous or can’t provide for me I get livid because it’s not true. If I need something he’s doing everything he can to get it for me. When it feels like my world is crumbling he’s my rock and right there reminding me that in the end everything will be okay. He’s done nothing but make me happy and feel safe and loved. Assuming that he isn’t good enough or is a bad influence because people make up that he can’t do this or doesn’t have that or has done what the fuck ever is such bullshit. Ask anybody who knows me in person and they’ll tell you, I’m happy, so fucking happy, even after the rough shit has settled. I’m his old lady, his girl, and if I get the chance I’ll be his wife. I’ve never been more sure of something in my life. I am safe, provided for, heard, understood, cared for and loved. I’m the best version of myself. I don’t feel like I have to hide anything to be seen as good enough to him. So while I appreciate any concerns for my safety and well-being it shouldn’t involve him and whatever made up bullshit you’ve convinced yourself is true.

Whoever is sending these very wrong and fucked up anon messages needs to just DM me. You have no idea what’s going on and you’re talking about people you don’t know and I’m not answering that shit publicly. You want to hurt me and start drama and it’s not happening.