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Please, No One Come Trick-Or-Treating To My House This Year, For I Will Be Masturbating To Pornography

Every year, October 31 marks the day that children around the country go door-to-door trick-or-treating. It’s a fun tradition that encourages not just large amounts of candy consumption, but also creativity. Unfortunately, this year I will be unable to participate in these trick-or-treat festivities, for I will be spending Halloween inside my home masturbating to pornography.I want it to be known that my home on Winchester Ave., in South Beloit, IL, will be off-limits to trick-or-treaters this year because I will be watching pornographic videos and amusing myself. Signage on all entrances to my house will make it clear that under no circumstances will I remove my hand from my penis to answer the door.