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My honest words in those situations: “I want to see all of you … I want to touch all of you … You look beautiful.”

For me, this seems natural: it’s your lover, and you ought to adore them. But in each of those moments of self-consciousness I learned something, I hope, about the psychological scars we carry from a lifetime of internalizing others’ judgments to the point that we judge ourselves most harshly of all. And women get it the *worst*, especially when it comes to body image, because of deeply fucked-up standards in our society.

“Fetishizing” rape is not an accurate description of what rape fantasy is, where it comes from, or what it achieves. If that was what rape fantasy was, I wouldn’t find real rape horrifying and enraging, I would get off to it. Rape fantasy isn’t about finding rape arousing and desirable but having to go through some formalities because it’s illegal otherwise. It doesn’t come from the same place.

To say that rape fantasy fetishizes rape is like saying that BDSM fetishizes slavery or misogyny. And if you do think that, anything I have to say isn’t going to change your mind anyway. But in order to understand what rape fantasy really is, I think it’s necessary to have a solid grasp of what BDSM is. You can strip away the leather, whips, rope, collars, and everything else and see that the purest distillation of BDSM, its core essence, is trust, consent, communication, vulnerability, and non-judgmental acceptance. The rest of it just builds on these foundations in different ways, but they’re expressions of the same core principles.

Rape fantasy is another exploration of these foundations. Power exchange is negotiated. Limits are set. Safewords are agreed upon. Parameters are confirmed. This is not a fetishization of rape but an act of trust and mutual release. It is better described as consensual non-consent - a scene in which non-consent is simulated according to consensual boundaries. Or in other words, a power exchange dynamic within which things like struggling, fighting back, abduction, weapons, physical coercion, or whatever other acts are negotiated, are perfectly within the boundaries of consent.

If a girl is hogtied, flogged, and fucked in the ass all according to her consent, it’s fine, but if she starts struggling and crying “no”, which she also consented to, asked for, and set safewords for in case she did really need to say no, it becomes something sinister? That makes no sense in my book.

I am reposting the following with the express permission and consent of the author/victim who is a follower of mine. I feel compelled to do so partially out anger but also out of a sense of duty to those among my followers who are new to BDSM and/or the D/s lifestyle. I hope that by sharing this woman’s heartbreaking experience and my thoughts about it, you might be better prepared to guard against some similar future emotional and physical pain. And to Doms and wanna-be doms, take note, what follows is absolutely unacceptable and illegal behavior and an utter disgrace to the D/s community.

ON CONSENT

Consent, by its very nature, is at the core of Dominance and submission. Submission is an act of giving, not the act of having something taken. Submission is not subversion. Submission is earned, not coerced. When a submissive gives herself to a Dom, she is making a choice and exercising her will to give that same will over to another. It is a conscious decision and one that can and should have limits and boundaries attached to it. Most importantly, it is a decision that can be amended or rescinded at any time and for any reason.

Consent is also not black and white or all or nothing. Consent has many limitations and boundaries. When a submissive gives herself to a Dom she often does so completely but only within the confines of hopefully previously discussed boundaries, hard limits, and at all times with the escape clause of a safe word which MUST be respected at all times. Not everyone is as meticulous about understanding boundaries and limits as perhaps I am but there are some steps that I recommend partners take to be sure that the limits of consent are first and foremost understood.

I personally use a generic pre-scene questionnaire with a partner early in our relationship to help identify likes and dislikes, preferences, areas where things start to get a little murky and caution must be exercised, and hard limits. Without taking this step in any D/s relationship it is virtually impossible to know where the limits of consent actually are.

Dominance, by its nature, is a position of leadership and challenge to a submissive. A good Dom leads and draws out a submissive into wanting to follow through respect. He does not coerce, manipulate, or force. The problem is that Dominance has all the APPEARANCES of non-consent. It is play acting in a sense. Frequently, the partners in a D/s relationship are playing at seemingly non-consensual activities but within the confines of previously agreed to consent. No matter how much the “villain” lashes out at and takes advantage of the “damsel in distress” it is always with the complete consent of the submissive and within the confines of previously agreed to limits. The moment that consent is withdrawn via a safe word, or any other means, all pretense of power exchange or Dominance and submission STOPS INSTANTLY and the partners must approach one another as people and equals to address the matter at hand. Anything short of that is violence, assault, and battery.

This is especially important because when a submissive gives herself to her Dom, something inside her mind changes and her resources and ability to stand up to her Dom become somehow very different than with anyone else she encounters in life. This can be easily taken advantage of and abused by an unscrupulous or unstable “Dom.” Once a submissive gives herself over to a Dom the sound of his voice, the direction of his commands, can have a profound effect on her even when she does not want them to. When a Dom commands his sub, something inside of her snaps and she goes into submissive mode almost involuntarily. This is a phenomenon that is well understood in the D/s community and is at the core of why consent, safe words, and well-understood boundaries are so crucial and must be respected.

Most important of all though is the attitude, empathy, and stability of a Dom. If a “dom” is not completely in control of himself or has any sort of violent tendencies, anger or control issues, he is a danger to his submissive and no amount of withdrawal of consent, use of a safe word, or other socially understood efforts to remove oneself from his presence or the relationship will be respected. This is the same man who would be an abuser, a wife beater, or worse, in a vanilla relationship. The most frightening thing in the D/s world is the abuser who uses BDSM as a justification and cloak of respectability for their unacceptable attitudes and behaviors. These are not Doms; they are abusers, and must be avoided at all cost.

Tumblr and the online D/s world at large is full of submissives desperate for a Dom and wanna-be doms seeking submissives. In all the fervor, basic tenants of relationship building, of feeling one another out, getting to know one another, and the fundamental cautions anyone would apply to face-to-face dating or relationships seem to get thrown out the window. I personally have had followers virtually (digitally) throw themselves at my feet in a desire to submit. I find this very odd and more than a little scary (for them). My response is always more or less the same, “You don’t even know me…why would you propose to submit to me or anyone under those terms?”

Through all of these words I am saying to any prospective submissive or Dom, get to know one another. Build a level of understanding between you. Develop, over time, a level of trust and assurance that limits will be understood and respected. And above all, be sure, to the best of your ability, that there are no hidden personality flaws that could lead to loss of control, violence, and/or outright abuse, even in times of stress such as a breakup in the relationship. Submission is by its nature a supreme act of vulnerability, both emotional and physical. Be damn sure you are placing your heart and body into the hands of someone who will respect and care for you; even when they may be angry, hurt, or otherwise do not get their way.

What follows is a sad and tragic example of what can happen when consent is withdrawn and that withdrawal is not respected. It could just as easily be a description of the thousands of abuse cases that go unreported daily in plain vanilla relations between boyfriends and girlfriends or husbands and wives seeking to end a relationship. What makes it all the more scary is the added dynamic of Dominance and submission; where there is a known imbalance of power and authority and where the “Dom” fails to turn that imbalance off when appropriate and necessary. Worst of all, because of the added D/s dynamic, the submissive finds herself powerless to fight back both because of the physical imbalance of power but also her innate, almost involuntarily, reflexive tendency to submit or freeze before her “dom” even when consent has been withdrawn (which, by the way is not abnormal).

This is the scary stuff folks and this is what the legitimate D/s community goes to great lengths to avoid and prevent through careful communication between partners, expressed consent, and clear avenues for withdrawal of that consent. The emotional darkness and isolation this woman is feeling brought on by her “dom” when she tried to end the relationship goes far deeper than the physical scrapes and bruises that cover much of her neck and body. I am so very grateful that the situation did not end up worse. It could have been much, much worse. Fortunately, the physical scars will heal in short order, but the loss of trust and feelings of isolation at having been abused by one whom complete trust and submission was given will take far longer and is the true tragedy.

Please read the following and let it guide you in your decision making as you approach your own experiences in the realm of D/s. Above all, please be careful. Be loving. Be respectful. And at all times be consensual. Play hard, but play safe, sane and consensual.

Retraumatizing someone can be extremely cruel and unfortunately, once conditioned, a trauma survivor can sink into a very deep well that you will probably not be able to handle, especially as they will most likely run or freeze, neither of which can be easy to address. The last thing I want to engage with is someone who knowingly tries to terrorize me outside of play. It’s hard enough *in* play.

Great question. That’s so hard to say. The breaking is really fun, obviously. There’s a lot of beauty in stripping a doll down to nearly nothing and watching all of her walls crumble. Using her and pushing her and figuring out how to chip, and crack, and penetrate, and break her down is an intimate, and powerful, and enjoyable thing.

There is nothing easy about surrendering yourself to another person. Anyone who tells you otherwise, who tries to convince you that submission is a weakness, doesn’t understand the nature of strength.

If being a submissive was a switch I could flick on and off, I’m not sure that I would turn it on most days. Making yourself vulnerable is a terrifying thing. As humans, we spend our lives building walls to keep out hurt. We construct mechanisms to defend us against vulnerability, hoping to protect our hearts. But, as FDR famously said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”

To be a submissive is to invite someone behind those walls. To cast off your armor, lay down your weapons, and crawl into the arms of another person, trusting that they will not betray you.

Humiliation is a statement about how willing I am to debase myself for him. It’s about the contrast with who I otherwise am. I don’t get wet when he calls me a worthless cumslut because I believe I am lacking value, I get wet when he calls me a worthless cumslut because he’s pointing out to me how low I am willing to go for him. He knows I’m an accomplished woman, worthy of being treasured, and that it’s only for him that I will lower myself to ‘’worthless’’ cumslut in order to please.