Vent Baby, Vent

G would probably be a horrible daddy for a little, but he's the only comfort I have rn.........

I have never been more convinced of that post that was like "I wasn't meant to live past [insert age here]" except it's. True every year I get older. I'm such a collassal fuck up. I'm literally useless, and can't do anything for myself. That's not me trying to baby myself. I straight up have zero drive. I don't even have the drive to go to therapy to get my medicine I need. Fuck me.

Do you think if I took enough pain killers I could finally stab myself and die the way I want

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this

I wish I would have died when I was eight

Making them bury another kid seems so cruel, but it also seems like the best outcome right now.

How do you make yourself care for things beyond your interests? How do you make yourself feel like you are capable of being an adult when it's just... so much easier to ignore everything? Really, I don't understand how people get through just how fucking awful and boring day to day life is. The little things to live for? They exist, I guess. But what about I between, when you're just exausted and wanting to feel something again? Something other than tired and hurt? I don't know. I'm so tired of having to live like this. Already. I'm barely an adult. I'm a scam of a person and a waste of energy for those around me. My parents deserved a better kid, really.

I deserve to hurt, don't I?

I'm so fucking pathetic. I'm so pathetic, I'm such a loser I don't fucking deserve any of the things I've been given I just want to restart everything please please please please just make me a little less of a fucking loser make me someone worth knowing worth something worth anything please

I keep switching my lines of thought between "I need a purpose" and "my purpose is happiness" AND I DON'T HAVE EITHER. Hah!! Kinda wanna die!!!!!!! A lot! Or bleed. Both sound. Really good rn. Really Really good. I wanna stop feeling empty. Please. I'm so fucking lonely.