Qui Vivra, Verra

I’m never on this tumblr anymore and beyond the fact that I don’t come on because I feel like I’m just not into tumblr anymore, it’s also because every time I come on, I see your face. and my heart aches so hard, I feel like it’ll crack again. 

It’s been almost a year since you made your decision to leave this Earth and it has been a year of reacting to this decision. I didn’t fully realize the effect your presence had on me until you were no longer there, or I couldn’t even entertain the thought of you there because it was too painful. 

I’m getting better. I listen to a couple group songs and try to let myself feel happy about it again. But I hear your voice and I want to cry all over again. I want to cry because you won’t make anymore music with them anymore. You won’t write anything new. You won’t sing again. 

It took a long time for me to stop imagining your last day. It was like some horror show I couldn’t figure out how to get my brain to stop doing. I still don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about you and how I feel. 

I still think of you with love and fondness. I still feel inspired by you. But I still ache with pain. I still remember having to go to work like nothing happened because how do you explain this to your boss. I remember being at work and stopping often to blink and try not to have a panic attack because I couldn’t properly process what happened. What this news was. If it was true. I remember still trying to hold on to hope.

But the pain of existing was too much for you and I wish it hadn’t been but I know the crushing weight of it. I just hope you know how much light you brought and continue to bring to this earth. How much hope. How much change even if it doesn’t feel big. I hope some how you know.