I know that I won't stop. I know I'll let it continue until for months, for years. I did this on and off with Tanner for 5 years. I did this for a year and a half with Nick. At lest Nick wanted me, at lest he always gave me the consent reassurance I needed. At lest for the first year.
I don't know how long this will continue. I'm scared that I'll do this for 5 years again, knowing it won't go anywhere. Knowing hell only come to me because he knows he can always have me. I love him, and I feel shitty for it. I loved him as my friend, for almost 10 years. We've always been close. I've considered him one of my best friends for years, until now. I've always known he was terrible. A terrible person, a terrible, miserable, alcoholic, liar, self-loathing boy. Now a self load thing man. He will never change, I know he won't. He'll probably kill himself before any of his health problems does.
I don't know why I expect you not to lie to me. I don't know why I thought I'd be an exception. Whenever we'd have a deep or dark conversation, it was honest. Painfully honest. Maybe that's why I thought he wouldn't lie to me. He'd always been honestly with what kind of person he was. Sometimes I thought he was trying to convince me to not liking him.
He's always told me how he's felt about me. That he's always had some kind of feelings for me. A crush, thought about weather he wanted a relationship with me. I always thought nothing of it. I knew better, I know how he is, how he works. If he liked me it was only because I was nice to him. He completed me on the same thing every guy does. My long hair, my teeth, my k9s. It's always the same, every guy.
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