I keep what I can of you

- new tattoo! lil salmon on my arm. love him.

- saw people writing on my dead friend's facebook wall for his birthday. it was fucked up and i need to write a poem about it.

- nine school days left. i am suffering at work but so is everyone else at least?

- i want to start thinking about wedding planning but will wait until aforementioned nine days are over.

- my acne is so bad rn and i know it's just the testosterone but i hate it. also since my fiancé got a vasectomy a month ago i should be able to maybe go off birth control soon but am terrified of having my period again. i have a feeling that three pumps of testosterone gel a day isn't gonna hack it when it comes to stopping my disgusting and very heavy terrible period. ew.

I'm not gonna worry about wedding planning because we are gonna have the most chill wedding possible. Probably at the end of next summer sometime. In a park and then just catering a restaurant we like. Super chill.

I just can't believe I found my person and have so much of my life figured out now?

I did not get the job at the VA which sucks but god apparently wants me to be in education so I'm trying to make plans for the summer. I'm gonna join a gym and slowly phase out my personal training so I can start going myself and just become a muscle mommy (non binary edition). Literally won't have anything else to do! Besides look for classes to take so I can make more money at work.

My mood is finally trending in a more positive direction as we get closer to the end of the school year too.

ANYWAY LOOK AT MY GAY RING IT IS SO PERF

- losing my best friend (in a she is disappointed in me and won't communicate w me anymore way) is still fucking me up real bad. it was her birthday recently and i didn't reach out because she didn't reach out on my birthday two months ago, and the ball is very much in her court for communication. but god it hurts so much, especially knowing there's literally nothing i can do because i've tried everything.

- my custom engagement ring should be ready by the end of the month(!!!!!!). we are planning to wait til our vacation to CA in july for the proposal but like. idk if i will be able to wait that long knowing the ring exists and is in my bf's possession.

- i had an interview with the VA hospital last thursday that went pretty well. i interviewed with them four years ago and wanted the job sooo bad and was very close to getting it, but didn't. so figured another try wouldn't hurt now that i'm settled into my school district job. waiting to hear back is torture though. i just want to work with adults again.

- easter cannot come soon enough i am so stressed about it. being a worship leader is all fun and games unless there's a big ass holiday and you're coordinating with another church.

- it's also conference time at work leading up to easter (which is also the beginning of our vERY late spring break) which makes things extra stressful. because i have to be at conferences but also do not have a) a classroom b)meeting times. so i just hang with the teachers i work with usually. who also only have nine kids per class and have so many IEP meetings in the spring anyway that no one comes to conferences.

- i am two days into taking wegovy. i felt sort of morally conflicted for a while but i only pay thirty bucks a month for it and i really really don't want to buy new clothes. that's like. the main reason i'm on it. last year's pants don't fit and going clothes shopping sounds like a literal nightmare.

praying for no gross stomach problem side effects though.

getting labs done next week to rule out physical stuff. still feeling like garbage. dave is also having a hard time with work and parenting. i'm trying to help but it's hard when i'm also in a bad way.

i'm trying to donate money where i can and am struggling with wanting to help more but also knowing i'm not a going to protests person and i need to keep showing up for my students and my own child.

also makes it hard to be upset my car won't start at all so i need to get it towed tomorrow. or be excited about having an appointment to start designing my engagement ring on valentine's day.