6/2/2026 @ 1500 hrs
So sick of the fake people. I enjoy the nature. It has come to greet me. Quietly, whispering hi. The wind whispers its hello. I like these soft, genuine greetings. Not like the fake people I have finally said goodbye. š
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@unlearningtheabuse
6/2/2026 @ 1500 hrs
So sick of the fake people. I enjoy the nature. It has come to greet me. Quietly, whispering hi. The wind whispers its hello. I like these soft, genuine greetings. Not like the fake people I have finally said goodbye. š

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I don't always want to feel like the strong one
6/1/2026 @ 0025 hours
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTBkadbuy/
I guess since I'm new, and don't understand this much yet, I have to post what I'm talking about, the song I'm listening to and can't find. And then, I realized, everything does stem from me being able to be free now...i can finally grieve my brother. My mom, and my dad. All the trauma, everything, just let this shit go!!! I am done! I don't want anyone here trying to dim my shine one bit! I can finally heal. If someone wants to be my partner, let me be me, I'm sporadic, but I need projects!! I am finally able to shine! And I am so proud of myself, but I do regret, I spent too long with the wrong person. I tried letting my sun, shine, but he wasn't seeing it. I kept trying though. And mom kept saying, you're not seeing it. Dad sees it so clear, and i said i know...So sad with myself over that! I'm trying hard to forgive myself. I was hoping i had a hand that said, let me help you. Not change you. Dad keeps coming to me when I'm super sick saying, forgive yourself. And man, I am trying to forgive myself, I had only the tools I could to survive. Truly. And I did a damn good job! Most people would have turned up dead already! And i am still dang here, and that is because you, Danny! And now, you mom, you get my painful ass out of bed! I love your strength ā¤ļøā¤ļø that's what kept my strength up through my years.
I'll figure this out. It's tough. You're looking down on me now, i feel it every day. So, I think i got this.
I TRIED TO STAY
5/31/2026 @ 2000 HOURS
He thought ā well, they all thought they took everything from me.
I thought I was doing good, staying long enough so she could have her own voice.
I was trying to give all I didnāt have.
Only for them to pull her down.
Take her from what she was being protected from.
Trying to keep her with friends ā of her own age, and playing
And laughing as much as possible.
We were silly together!
I tried to stay until that little girl had a voice of her own.
You washed that brain.
I couldnāt stay. I was dying.
But Iām still standing after all the pain.
He didnāt take all of me.
Brain stronger.
My heart more peaceful than ever,
But certainly not open to many again.
5/30/2026 @ 2030 hours
āSunsets we always liked because they only happen once and go away. āBut, Lena, thatās sad.ā No, if the sunset stayed and we got bored, that would be a real sadness.ā
ā Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine (Green Town, #1)

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LITTLE CLUES
5/30/2026 @ 1130 HOURS
Itās funny how the past sneaks up on you when youāre not looking.
An old article. A forgotten sentence.
My name just sitting there like it belonged to someone else.
They thought they owned me.
Try to manipulate me and say I was married so I would think I was stuck.
Funny thing about people like that ā theyāll take what they can carry,
And then keep coming back for more.
Thieves of peace. Collectors of trust.
Such experts at calling control something softer.
For a long time I kept handing over pieces of myself,
Thinking love and respect were sold together, a matched set.
Turns out Iāve met plenty of men who knew how to say āloveā
And never learned respect.
Men who listened only long enough to answer.
Men who bent the truth until I questioned my own reflection.
Still, some stubborn part of me always knew.
Knew I deserved better.
Knew disrespect had a smell to it.
Knew loneliness in company was stillā¦loneliness.
And now, standing where I am,
Find myself noticing little clues.
A kindness here. A steady hand there.
A voice that doesnāt need to be loud to make me feel safe.
I havenāt found him yet.
But sometimes I wonder if the lesson was never to search harder ā
But to only recognize him when he finally arrives.
Maybe dad knew that.
Maybe all this time heās been leaving breadcrumbs through the years.
Whispering, āDonāt settle, kid. Youāll know.ā
HOLDING OFF
5/30/2026 @ 0000 HOURS
My brain is still racing. I did treatment. I hate it.
It makes me feel like crap.
Bloodwork is terrible. Of course, I know.
I see it. I smell it. I feel it.
Everybody acts like the numbers are hiding from me. Like they donāt matter.
It surely feels like theyāre sitting right beside me on my nightstand
Just ticking away to be uncovered, yet again.
Hospitals scare me. The thought of going in & not coming home terrifies me more than results.
Journey of being sick, and then doing it solo is what I feared.
Yet, I am doing the best I can, especially alone.
Nobody wants to know a sick person. Thatās fine. I can manage on my own.
If anyone is going to give up here, itās going to be me.
Iām good here trying to take care of this. My heartache is up there.
I miss you guys! xo
THE RAIN STARTS
5/29/2026 @ 2030 HOURS
Sitting outside on the deck after I got everything set up perfectly.
And then it starts ā rain.Ā Funny.
Song, āRhythm of the Rainā fits so perfectly now.Ā Thanks, Dad!
I pull my paper closer; hold my pen tighter.
Donāt want the ink to run.
Donāt want these words to run before theyāve had a chance to live.
Itās crazy how life is.
One minute youāre sitting in peace,
The next youāre protecting the very thing thatās helping you make sense of it all.
I donāt want to go back inside.Ā Not yet.Ā Iām tired of feeling defeated.
Someone tried contacting me from years ago.Ā And honestly, no thank you.
Iāve already lived that chapter.Ā Too much disappointment.Ā Old stories.
Old versions of me that I donāt fit into anymore.
Some lessons get old.Ā And Iām tired.Ā Not angry.Ā Just tired.
No energy left for people who only show up when itās convenient.
The rain keeps falling.Ā I keep writing.Ā Maybe thatās the point.
I will not lose myself ever again.
Not for attention.Ā Not for love.Ā Not for someone who cannot see my worth.
I need people in my life who are happy that I shine.
People who donāt dim my light because it makes them uncomfortable.
I deserve that.Ā I endured a lot growing up.Ā More than most people know.
And Iām still here.Ā Still hopeful.Ā Still believing I deserve happiness.
So let them be them.Ā I can finally be me.Ā Let my voice be heard.
The rain continues to fall.Ā The ink may smear.Ā The paper may wrinkle.
But Iām still here.Ā And Iām finally learning I deserve to be.
WHAT GRIEF COULDNāT TAKE, 5/29/2026 @ 1130 hours
You told me stay ā so I stayed longer than I ever should have.
Long enough for sadness to start feeling familiar.
Long enough to confuse survival with love.
Momās birthday is coming again.
Itās almost a year now since my world split open, but it kept spinning anyway.
Iāve been trying.Ā God Iāve been trying.
The treatments have been helping food stay down sometimes.
If only it would quiet these memories.
They donāt stop certain nights from replaying themselves,
Like old voicemails I shouldāve deleted.
I used to think love meant endurance.
Keeping the peace.Ā Forgiving until there was nothing left of me.
Accept excuses for someone elseās cruelty.
But, I see clearer now. Ā Preying on wounded women doesnāt make you powerful.
It makes you hollow.
A man performing strength for people just as empty as him.
And maybe I ignored the signs because I wanted to believe people could love gently
If you loved them hard enough first.
I know better now.
There are things I can't forgive myself for ā staying too long, crying too quietly,
Mistaking manipulation for affection.
But I will never again shrink myself to fit inside someone elseās damage.
Not after everything.
This heart has carried enough grief already.
The oneās so closest to me are gone.
Iāve seen enough disappointments dressed up as promises.
I am softer than people deserved, but stronger than they ever expected.
And that matters.Ā That has always mattered.
STILL HERE
You told your story with tears soaked deep into the corners of the bed,
Trying to convince yourself that love meant safety,
That someone who looked put together could hold your heart gently.
You chose him over the voices that raised you, because he seemed certain,
Steady, whole.
And when the night grew quiet, you searched his face for comfort,
Hoping trust would finally feel like home.
But trust became questions.
Questions became bruises no one else could see.
āWhich would you prefer?ā
Verbal.Ā Physical.Ā Emotional.
As if pain should ever come with options.
Still ā you survived it.
You became the woman who learned the strength through breaking,
Who stitched herself together between gaslit apologies & lonely anniversaries,
Between promises & miles that never matched the map.
And somewhere inside the ache, you still carried loved.
Still carried memories.
Still whispered, āI miss you,ā
Even all while learning how not to lose yourself again.
Now your voice rises stronger than the hurt that tried to silence it.
Not untouched ā but uncollapsed.
A woman standing in the wreckage, heart open, truth uncovered
Finally seeing:
The strongest thing she ever did was survive
What was supposed to destroy her. 5/27/2026 @ 1700 hrs

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Still learning...1st entry.
š¬ 0Ā Ā š 0Ā Ā ā¤ļø 0Ā Ā·Ā 4/21/26 @ 1408 hours...Ā Ā·Ā God Damn, I am a strong woman! So amazed, it's Day 3 since treatment, and I do feel good, feel ho
Just starting out, but going to post writings (past/present), hopefully to help others find that inner strength (as well as help me) because we all have it, and do NOT ever let anyone gaslight or manipulate you, and try to tell you otherwise. And do Not allow grooming! I know it's tough when you feel you have no love, but love is there, I promise you. That person....do not let them groom you!!! I wasted too many years with wrong person, and they were all slowly killing me! Such a heartbreak. Don't let that be you.