What you did when I got sick...

My brain has been doing its usual, overthinking, and I have been anxious with my Dr's appt coming up today.It has me thinking of my future, yet again. Makes me scared and want to retreat again, fear of love, letting a little bit of my guard down, getting involved again. I don't need anymore hurt. Hurts thinking of letting anyone else in again, I don't need anyone controlling me, anyone telling me they'd be there for me, just because its something they think I want to hear at the moment. I'm okay just as I am and don't need anymore added heart break. I had pretty high hopes with the last relationship when I heard, "Don't worry, I'll be there for you." Dad was pretty right when he said, "Yeah right. Don't trust him." I still had a little, teeny bit of hope though. But that one just seemed to always forget what he would tell me the very next day. I don't want to open up, the empty promises coming, me being vulnerable all over again, then, I'm left on the floor, abandoned, by myself, all over again. Yet this time, I don't have Dad there to tell me, What are you doing?! Get up! Don't let them see you cry! I miss that stern voice!!

SO, I learned something today. My therapist & I talked about beginnings of my relationship with the ex...as I am trying to erase that entire relationship. I just never wanted to be in it in the first place! But I always remembered Dad saying to me, it's like a Cult, he's trying to change you. And mom would always say, This isn't you, Nik. And I would always respond, I know, I will get out of this...soon. I said that to her the day she passed away even. I remember in the beginning, he would try to bring me to these meetings he was apart of, and I would come home and tell my parents about it, and Dad was like, uh uh, No. This guy is just taking advantage of you. And I talked about this with my therapist, and he shared with me, well, typically, they see this as cult-like behavior...older guys take "vulnerable, weak" women and try to take advantage of them. My parents saw this, but knew I would just see for myself. But now I understand what my Dad meant by the "cult". I get it now.It's unfortunate that it took losing Dad for me to finally be able to grieve my entire family now, but I can Finally see clear now. I am blessed, and I'm ready to live & shine. I know they are proud watching me.

Last night, Dad's birthday, I got through, I was a bit disappointed in myself with all the pain I had, but I got through. I know I'm doing so much, but I still get sad when I can't do much, and I know my "much" is a lot compared to others; I raise the bar highly on myself. I know what I do in 1 day, many don't do in 1 week, but again, I have no clue how my body will feel the next day, so I try to get as much in. But I still get disappointed when I can't "do much". Though, I got some work in, baked, cooked, planted some more in the garden, took care of the cats, cleaned, painted some, wrote, relaxed with some new show, all while trying to rest, so that "not much" was still, I guess a lot. Anyhow, I ended the day with listening to live from TikTok, figured their music brings back memories, and it would help cheer me some. They played some Christmas music. It brought smiles, yet a little sadness, knowing my family is not here anymore. Heart breaking, pretty soul crushing. Christmas was our favorite holiday. Heck this home is still full of Christmas stuff, I cannot get rid of!! But I guess I can look on the bright side, I get to look forward to cooking and baking again, something I didn't get to do when I was with the ex. Always looked forward to holiday cooking, yet he just deterred me from it. My parents were saddened by that as they knew how much I always loved cooking and baking, and he just always broke my spirit when it came to things I enjoyed, yet I always let him put me down. But not anymore. So I guess I am looking forward to the holidays...Any who...last night reminded me of this writing I wrote last year for my family when I was alone for the holidays, when they played the Alexander O'neal song.

CHRISTMAS TOGETHER

I keep thinking, This is your 1st Christmas all together, again. Mom, you finally have Dad back. Dad, you finally get to see silly Danny! And Danny, you've been waiting a long time for Mom & Dad to come home again.

I picture the three of you together, again. Laughing, smiling, just sitting in peace! You're probably watching over me. I feel it. I see it daily!

I hope Heaven feels like Home, because Home here doesn't quite feel like home anymore. Christmas lights don't shine so bright.

I still look for you. I forget for a second & then it hits me all over again, you're not coming Home again. You made it to your new Home.

Maybe that's what hurts the most, knowing you're finally together, while I'm learning how to be here without you.

When Christmas comes one day, the four of us will all be together again. Until then, Merry Christmas. I love you, xo Nik

What a day, mentally, and physically. Got up earlier to put recycling out since I couldn't carry it last night, but was so frustrated with myself because Reynauds was in flare. So that then upsets me. Wearing gloves most of the day, wanted to go see Spiderman, also really want to see Odyssey, but I've been so exhausted, I'm barely making it through episodes of Cape Fear without passing out, so I nixed that idea. Instead, mowed rest of backyard. I started tackling the tree that fell down from the tornado. Slowly I'll get it done. Brian upset me with having someone on his way suddenly without me knowing when I wasn't ready, but he was able to stop it. So I just told him to not bother altogether. I'll do this on my own. I am definitely super exhausted, but I gotta keep going. Yard has to get done, and anyone working on the yard is just taking away my memories, and I'm not trusting anyone enough yet. People have always been quick to love to take advantage of me, so I'm not letting that happen here. No one is taking my safe place, and I'll only allow those I trust here. I did nap, I don't think I had much choice. It was more like I passed out after I worked on the yard. And I'm ready to go back to bed but I'm in mood for some music to distract my brain right now. Trying to eat some as I need it, sharing with Joi Joi.

Dad, you definitely gave Joi the perfect name when she was born. Left me with a handful with the cats, and man did I struggle keeping her alive, but she's still here!! And Joi has definitely been My Joy during this entire time! She's a freak, but I guess they say animals often take after their owners! And you'd love to laugh and say, "You always got some Strange animals!" I sure do, Dad. Haha they definitely have unique characteristics! And it makes me smile throughout the day.

I'm really trying here. Best I can. Like you say Dad, burning candle at both ends. Yep, probably always be me, but I am truly trying to take care of myself. Just need some music during these days. Your birthday will be Saturday. I'll probably make some pierogi and a cake for you. Maybe put something together!!! Knowing me! But anything to stay busy. Anyhow, I love you.

Well, you guys, you’ve really done a number on me. Wondering why I’m so gloomy, then see the calendar & realize the date…Mom’s anniversary. I remember work used to always ask me around Danny’s anniversary, without me even realizing what I was doing, hey r u ok? I think so? Why? They would say, because you’re distant, you’re very quiet suddenly and working much harder and longer…I guess it’s definitely true. The body keeps the score. As much as you try to forget, the body Just Knows. But I’m trying here. Keeping my head high. Smiling as much as I can. Talking to ones I trust. Really doing what I love. It’s when I’m stuck in bed that I will be worried, and that hasn’t happened, only when I’m sick, and we’re not letting that stop me right now!! Anyway, I truly miss you guys. I’m working on the stairs today. Bit struggling today, so I’m going slow, but I’m managing. I think it’ll all look ok.

I have to say I feel…pretty, peaceful, happy. I feel good. Everything I have, I am truly blessed. I’ve been through hell, and certainly back, my parents guaranteed that would be happening to me, so I was well prepared, but I’ve been engaging and doing what I can, while I can, and well so be it. You only live once. So I’m trying to make myself happy. I feel pretty good.

Been feeling pretty crappie lately, so figured I needed to write. I guess missing you guys, as much as I’m trying to stay busy, my body is still truly aching from pain of missing you all. I’m almost done with the kitchen cabinets. Bought stuff to work on the stairs, maybe I’ll start tomorrow, if my body allows. I’ve been pretty drained. Getting extremely sick, but I keep going. I can’t take help from anyone because everyone is just stressing the heck out of me, making things worse! Making situations worse for me, and then I end up more sick, so I just gotta say no to the help. I don’t need things broken, I don’t need things half ass fixed, and I certainly don’t need any more added to my plate to work on. So I just need to go at my speed here. I’m just doing what I can, as I can, while I’m still here. I want you guys to know you didn’t fail. You raised a pretty good daughter. I will never give up. I got this far. I certainly won’t give up now.

I haven't written in a bit, well I wrote a "letter" but that will get burned, a letter to just get things off my chest. I haven't written since talking with Dr and seeing where I am with my health. I've been trying to do as much as I can, well, while I can. But, I'll be OK.

Been going through a lot here. Many old photos, Dad's writings, his Marine paperwork, finding more folded military flags. Now I understand why Dad never gave up on Mom, Danny or me. He Loved His family. He definitely saved us from the abuse. I Always knew & adored him for that. I Always had a home. He was Always there for me. He protected us. He was my safety. And the one I will Always call Dad.

Dates were extremely important in this family. Irony, the day Dad adopted Danny and me, was the day my brother, Danny, passed away, 10/23...Dates will always continue to be very important to me, thanks to my Dad.

Memory came back to me, when Dad adopted us, he brought us from Florida to live with him in Jersey City. He surprised me with my Entire bedroom full of light pink balloons. I still remember my face that day walking through that door to see my new room. ☺️ Dad knew how scared I was moving from my home in Florida, and he wanted me to feel a little bit secure. With him, I knew I would always find love from now on. Strong, brave love. ❤️

So it's making sense, all those years, Dad telling me, Don't let them see you cry; don't let them see you with your head down. You keep going. Dad was a Marine, on USS JFK. I know he was proud of that. Dad was there carrying those fallen soldiers home. He hated acknowledging himself. He always said, "It was those that passed that deserve the acknowledgement. Not me." So I would sit in silence & pray with him whenever we were together & the military was honored. I get it now. He protected, he guarded, all the way until the very last moment he passed. Strongest man I ever knew. I admired the heck out of that man! I still smile at the crazy things he still lifted when he was so sick!! And he refused any help! No wonder he was my safety. Man, I miss him. But, I will keep on with our silly, dry humor, and my instilled strength.

I had a pretty Great Dad! The last few years he was sick. He wasn't himself, but you don't run away from those you love. I'm glad I got to hold him one last time before he passed away. I'm thankful I got to tell him I loved him one last time, & I got the, "Yeah" back.

Don't worry, Dad, I got this home taken care of from now on. I got you.❤️

A lot of memories here, and lots of learning still left to do, but we'll get there.

I’m thankful I finally found someone that truly ❤️s me, let’s me shine. I’m not scared days when I’m not well, can’t get up, barely making it down the hall or down those steps, can’t hold anything down. I finally found her. Sad it took losing My Brother, Mom & now, Dad, but I finally found her. She was w/me all along. Dad kept trying to tell me/show me❤️ I miss u Dad! 7/18/2025, dancing with Mom again, laughing with Danny again, and just smiling down on me & still giving me strength ❤️❤️

Just listened to voice message from my doctor regarding my blood work, "Can we please talk about your Stage 4 progressing. In the meantime, continue with the meds, for now. But please, let's talk about this." No, I don't want to Fing talk about it, OKAY.

I never knew how much I would miss saying, "Hey Dad..." and just hearing that big old... "WHAT?!" back. Just thinking back on it, and seeing me dropping my head down, shaking my head back to Dad's response, because he always knew on the other side of that, "Hey Dad?," Dad was definitely going to get a crazy, oddball question, or off-the-wall statement about something, and then Dad would just respond with, shaking his head, and throwing his hands up..."Why don't you ask yourself that one?" We were two stubborn ones. Kept mom aggravated for sure, but much Strong love here. I wouldn't take any of those strict disciplines away. All trauma I faced, all years of struggle, my parents knew, I would be okay. And I will be okay.

I had a pretty good day today, considering how terrified I was with being afraid and putting off the bloodwork and seeing the doctor, but I figured with Dad's anniversary approaching, I needed to. And of course, I love them. I love my doctors, I just get scared, and I need to see them, but I'm scared. But you know, I guess at the end of this day, I realize while watching this sunset and staring at this big tree on the ground, Dad, as your year without you, and without Mom and Danny now, all of you bastards now ... you have put me through it all now! Dad, you left me here in this home, so I have to overcome, heal, truly heal finally. Because I am pretty damn strong. So whatever the results will be tomorrow, I will be okay. I will be okay, and today, was an okay day. Tomorrow will be okay, whatever it may be.

Please give me strength to get through these next few days….

BTW…yes. Yes, I am a great person. Too bad I just stayed too long with such shitty, shitty people to make me feel so terrible about myself to never see that, until now. Dad kept trying to tell me. And like I promised him, no more abuse…

Such a beautiful day today. Beautiful blue skies. Crazy after the terrible storms, the heat wave, power outage, and now a gorgeous day. But chaos still happening here. I see fires occurring on news, fire trucks flying by, power companies flying by, tree companies flying by…still chaos in what appears to be beautiful day. I’m trying to smile, through my pain too. Continue to get up & go. Like when will it end? Keep faking it, til it runs out I guess. ❤️