#keep head up

Last night, Dad's birthday, I got through, I was a bit disappointed in myself with all the pain I had, but I got through. I know I'm doing so much, but I still get sad when I can't do much, and I know my "much" is a lot compared to others; I raise the bar highly on myself. I know what I do in 1 day, many don't do in 1 week, but again, I have no clue how my body will feel the next day, so I try to get as much in. But I still get disappointed when I can't "do much". Though, I got some work in, baked, cooked, planted some more in the garden, took care of the cats, cleaned, painted some, wrote, relaxed with some new show, all while trying to rest, so that "not much" was still, I guess a lot. Anyhow, I ended the day with listening to live from TikTok, figured their music brings back memories, and it would help cheer me some. They played some Christmas music. It brought smiles, yet a little sadness, knowing my family is not here anymore. Heart breaking, pretty soul crushing. Christmas was our favorite holiday. Heck this home is still full of Christmas stuff, I cannot get rid of!! But I guess I can look on the bright side, I get to look forward to cooking and baking again, something I didn't get to do when I was with the ex. Always looked forward to holiday cooking, yet he just deterred me from it. My parents were saddened by that as they knew how much I always loved cooking and baking, and he just always broke my spirit when it came to things I enjoyed, yet I always let him put me down. But not anymore. So I guess I am looking forward to the holidays...Any who...last night reminded me of this writing I wrote last year for my family when I was alone for the holidays, when they played the Alexander O'neal song.

CHRISTMAS TOGETHER

I keep thinking, This is your 1st Christmas all together, again. Mom, you finally have Dad back. Dad, you finally get to see silly Danny! And Danny, you've been waiting a long time for Mom & Dad to come home again.

I picture the three of you together, again. Laughing, smiling, just sitting in peace! You're probably watching over me. I feel it. I see it daily!

I hope Heaven feels like Home, because Home here doesn't quite feel like home anymore. Christmas lights don't shine so bright.

I still look for you. I forget for a second & then it hits me all over again, you're not coming Home again. You made it to your new Home.

Maybe that's what hurts the most, knowing you're finally together, while I'm learning how to be here without you.

When Christmas comes one day, the four of us will all be together again. Until then, Merry Christmas. I love you, xo Nik

Well, you guys, you’ve really done a number on me. Wondering why I’m so gloomy, then see the calendar & realize the date…Mom’s anniversary. I remember work used to always ask me around Danny’s anniversary, without me even realizing what I was doing, hey r u ok? I think so? Why? They would say, because you’re distant, you’re very quiet suddenly and working much harder and longer…I guess it’s definitely true. The body keeps the score. As much as you try to forget, the body Just Knows. But I’m trying here. Keeping my head high. Smiling as much as I can. Talking to ones I trust. Really doing what I love. It’s when I’m stuck in bed that I will be worried, and that hasn’t happened, only when I’m sick, and we’re not letting that stop me right now!! Anyway, I truly miss you guys. I’m working on the stairs today. Bit struggling today, so I’m going slow, but I’m managing. I think it’ll all look ok.

Theory test and skipped calculus

Wind ensemble rehearsal was amazing. Dr. Chamberlin singled me out on what I played and it made me feel like I'm making progress. We got to rehearse for middle schoolers and give them a taste of collegiate music, so that was cool

Marching Band techniques was fun. I hate that I have this ridiculous crush on a straight man, but man those eyes...

The wind ensemble concert was absolutely fantastic. I could go on about how I managed to squeak twice in one song, but the energy and the feel was just amazing. People kept coming up to me and congratulating me. I felt good, like music is starting to take me somewhere. We sounded awesome! Thanks to everyone that came!