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Tw: Grief/loss/death

Hey Tumblr, how are ya? Wow emotions are a funny thing, well more so grief is a funny thing. You'll be fine for a bit and then suddenly you're not. It's worse, I think, when you're grieving someone who is still here. I was laying here in bed thinking, as one does when they can't sleep, and it hit me....there's a good possibility that the rest of the holidays in this year are going to be the last ones I get to have with my dad.... that absolutely kills me inside. Realizing that he might not make it to his next birthday and that this Christmas will be his last.... part of me thinks that this is for the better, that way he's not in so much pain but a majority of me knows that I'm not ready for this and I know he's not either. Most of my reasons as to why I'm not ready are purely selfish, like he might not see me get married next year or he won't get to meet his grandchildren when the time comes. But also who will I go to when I need advice or help with something? Who is gonna be there to tell me that things are going to be okay? Or that they're proud of me? I know I have my fiancé and his family but it's not the same coming from them versus coming from my dad. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for most likely one of the hardest years of my life but I don't even know how because he's still here, I see him everyday and on the outside you'd never know that he's dying. He doesn't look like he's dying but he is, but my brain can't quite put the pieces together because he doesn't look like I think someone who is dying should. I want to tell people but it's not my news to tell, but it's eating me alive. I guess that's why I came here, I know no one will ever read this but I need to get it out, get my feelings out because if I don't it'll tear me down and I can't let that happen, I need to be strong for my dad and my fiancé. But what happens when I'm tired of being strong? Then what? I don't know, I guess we'll cross that bridge when it comes....

Goodnight Tumblr.

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Hey Tumblr. How's it going? My 3am buddy. The one I turn to when it gets rough. So greatful that I have you when I don't want to bother anyone. Where am I at mentally this time? Well I'm sick so, already off to a bad start, it's almost 3am, strike 2, I've got mayday parade playing, strike 3, it's also raining... you're outta here. I really just want to cry and get it over with, but I already can't breathe and I don't want to hyperventilate. Work sucks ass. I didn't miss that place, never will. Getting bitched at and asking why, but no responce is making me want a new job. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I don't know where I'm going. I'm 19 and I feel like I'm alone. I know I'm not and on the days it counts, I love my life, and wouldn't change anything. But times like this, make me question everything. But it'll pass, I know it will. It always does. You wanna know something? Today was the first time, I think ever, that I told someone that I actually love myself and how far I've come. Can you imagine what that felt like. I was surprised. If you would've told 15 or 16 year old me that, she would've laughed and said it's not her. If I've made all this progress, then why am I here? I honestly have no idea. I thought of deleting you, you know? But then I realised that as soon as I did, I'd need to vent. So I didn't. This is honestly the place where I bare myself and unleash it all, so I can continue. Of course I don't say everything. I still have the pieces of myself that are just for me. That no one has any reason to know about. I need to keep some things private, or else, what do I really have, who am I really, if everyone knows everything? But its okay. One day I'll share them. Wow. One blog post that I didn't cry through. Way to go me. Way to be strong. I got this. I'll be okay. These things remind me that I can still feel and it reassures what I just said, I'll be okay, things aren't as bad as they could be. But for now, sleep.

Last posts

I realise I was probably a bit over the top with those last posts, in my defense, it's 4:09 in the morning, I want food, and I'm on my period. So all those are reasons.

...

We're all gonna die one day and you know the thought of death and not being here one day scares the shit out of me but then again at times I'm okay with the idea and it brings me peace. Maybe it's just the hidden suicidal part of me, who knows. But death is such a funny thing, it scares most people and others...they wish for it. Maybe death isn't a funny thing, but people are. I guess like me for example, I honestly have a deep loathe and hate for kids but at the same time a part of me wants kids in the future, but maybe that's just my inner younger self, she always did want kids. But why if I honestly don't like them do I hold on to hope that I'll have them? It's strange. Maybe it's like a friend of mine, she hates cats and is allergic, but she longs to know what it's line to own and love one. How do you explain that? Is it inner greed that we all have or is it just ideals that have been placed into our heads as kids? Who knows, maybe there's been a study on it? Oh well. This post like all my posts go from one thought to the next and they don't really make sense. Welcome to my brain I guess lol.

Why do I do this to myself dammit?! I go through and re-read my old posts that make me cry, then I read on to the sad and depressing ones and even though I'm okay, I question if I should be here. But by morning or the next day I'll be fine. I do this to myself all the time and I don't know why. But here it is, 3:36 ub the morning, tears running down my face and I feel like I want to give up, but why? Things are so good, but I can't stop crying. Then I think why am I crying, where's the source? And it's you, babygirl, I guess I'll never get over you. The pain is still fresh and it hurts just as bad as the day. I thought of you and that day 2 days ago and I wasn't really fazed by it. But I didn't dwell on it, maybe that's why. God I miss you so much. So goddamned much. I don't remember what you sound like anymore, it scares me. Will I forget you altogether one day? God I honestly hope not. I know it sounds silly since it causes me so much pain but it makes me feel and I guess that's why. I miss the way you'd make me laugh and make me happy. No one else probably thinks of you I bet, just me. I visited you, I think it was labor day. I know you won't ever know, or maybe you do, I don't know what I believe anymore, but I hope you know how much I love you and how much it breaks my heart that you aren't here. Goodnight babygirl, until next time. Mwah❤

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rockandrollchick29

is satan gay?

awwwcastiel

No. He has a wife, Mrs. Claus

what

What?

😂😂😂

birduptheworstshowontelevision

Visit Original Link

Carry On My Wayward Son (lullaby Version)

padasassy

awkwardequine

Why can I so easily picture this playing in the spn series finale as the camera takes one last look moving over the dead bodies of all our favorite characters, stopping on the rusting frame of the impala and then slowly fading to black?

loyalbloggerwhowaits-deactivate

I will murder you in your sleep.

chocolatedeathwarrior-deactivat

Imagine Cas playing this to Dean as he bleeds out, the way he played Ode to Joy in “Hunteri Heroici,” lulling him to sleep one last time.

Sammy died first, for added heartbreak factor, because Dean’s greatest wish was always to protect him, so of course he’d have to watch him die.

Cas watches, stroking his hair, holding his hand and soothing him, telling him everything’s going to be alright, until finally the light leaves his eyes and his breathing stops.

Cas starts to cry silently as the abandoned Impala comes into view, and the screen fades to black.

But just as you’re wondering how they could let it end this way, how the writers could be so heartless, it cuts to the Roadhouse.

Sam and Dean are there, and Jo and Ellen too, as well as Bobby, and Charlie, and everyone else they’ve lost. Cas comes into view, and Dean scoots to make room for him, grinning stupidly and wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

You can’t hear what they’re saying, but you can tell they’re happy. Finally, it fades to black.

Now your life’s no longer empty,

Surely Heaven waits for you.

Carry on my wayward son,

there’ll be peace when you are done.

Lay your weary head to rest,

don’t you cry no more.

keepingcalmisoverratedgoddamnit

I’m fine

spiicy

100 reasons NOT to kill yourself

1. we would miss you. 2. it’s not worth the regret. either by yourself if you failed or just simply left scars, or the regret everyone else feels by not doing enough to help you. 3. it does get better. believe it or not it will eventually get better. sometimes you have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow. 4. there’s so much you would miss out on doing. 5. there is always a reason to live. it might not be clear right now, but it is always there. 6. so many people care, and it would hurt them if you hurt yourself. 7. you ARE worth it. don’t let anyone, especially yourself, tell you otherwise. 8. you are amazing. 9. a time will come, once you’ve battled the toughest times of your life and are in ease once again, where you will be so glad that you decided to keep on living. you will emerge stronger from this all, and won’t regret your choice to carry on with life. because things always get better. 10. what about all the things you’ve always wanted to do? what about the things you’ve planned, but never got around to doing? you can’t do them when you’re dead. 11. i love you. even if only one person loves you, that’s still a reason to stay alive. 12. you won’t be able to listen to music if you die. 13. killing yourself is never worth it. you’ll hurt both yourself and all the people you care about. 14. there are so many people that would miss you, including me. 15. you’re preventing a future generation, YOUR KIDS, from even being born. 16. how do you think your family would feel? would it improve their lives if you died? 17. you’re gorgeous, amazing, and to someone you are perfect. 18. think about your favourite music artist, you’ll never hear their voice again. 19. you’ll never have the feeling of walking into a warm building on a cold day 20. listening to incredibly loud music. 21. being alive is just really good. 22. not being alive is really bad. 23. finding your soulmate. 24. red pandas 25. going to diners at three in the morning. 26. really soft pillows. 27. eating pizza in neww york city. 28. proving people wrong with your success. 29. watching the jerks that doubted you fail at life. 30. seeing someone trip over a garbage can. 31. being able to help other people. 32. bonfires. 33. sitting on rooftops. 34. sweing every single country in the world. 35. going on roadtrips. 36. you might win the lottery someday. 37. listening to music on a record player. 38. going to the top of the eiffel tower. 39. taking really cool pictures. 40. literally meeting thousands of new people. 41. hearing crazy stories. 42. telling crazy stories. 43. eating ice cream on a hot day. 44. more harry potter books could come out, you never know. 45. travelling to another planet someday. 46. having an underwater house. 47. randomly running into your hero on the street. 48. having your own room at a fancy hotel. 49. trampolines. 50. think about your favourite movie, you’ll never watch it again. 51. think about the feeling of laughing out loud in a public place because your best friend has just sent you an inside joke. 52. tour survival will make the world better, even if it’s for just one person or 20 or 100 or more. 53. people do care. 54. treehouses. 55. hanging out with your soul mate in a treehouse. 55. snorting when you laugh and not caring who sees. 56. i don’t even know you and i love you. 57. i don’t even know you and i care about you. 58. because nobody is going to be like you ever, so embrace your uniqueness! 59. you won’t be here to experience the first cat world emperor. 60. WHAT ABOUT FOOD?! YOU’LL MISS CHOCOLATE AND ALL THE OTHER NOM THINGS! 61. starbucks. 62. hugs. 63. stargazing. 64. you have a purpose, and it’s up to you to find out what it is. 65. you’ve changed somebody’s life. 66. now you could change the world. 67. you will meet the person that’s perfect for you. 68. no matter how much or how little, you have your life ahead of you. 69. you have the chance to save somebody’s life. 70. if you end your life, you’re stopping yourself from achieving great things. 71. making snow angels. 72. making snowmen. 73. snowball fights. 74. life is what you make of it. 75. everybody has a talent. 76. laughing until you cry. 77. having the ability to be sad means you have the ability to be happy. 78. the world would not be the same if you didn’t exist. 79.its possible to turn frowns, upside down 80. be yourself, don’t take anyone’s sh*t, and never let them take you alive. 81. heroes are ordinary people who make themselves extraordinary. be your own hero. 82. heing happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. it means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections. 83. one day your smile will be real. 84. having a really hot, relaxing bath after a stressful day. 85. lying on grass and laughing at the clouds. 86. getting completely smashed with your best friends. 87. eating crazy food. 88. staying up all night watching your favourite films with a loved one. 89. sleeping in all day. 90. creating something you’re proud of. 91. you can look back on yourself 70 years later and being proud you didn’t commit. 92. being able to meet your internet friends! 93. tea/coffee/hot chocolate. 94. team starkid. 95. cuddling under the stars. 96. being stupid in public because you just can. 97. if you are reading this then you are alive! is there any more reason to smile? 98. being able to hug that one person you havent seen in years. 99. people care enough about you and your future to come up with 100 reasons for you not to do this. 100. but, the final and most important one is, just, being able to experience life. because even if your life doesn’t seem so great right now, literally anything could happen!

& if that isn’t enough:

-depression hotline: 1-630-482-9696 -suicide hotline: 1-800-784-8433 -lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 -trevor project: 1-866-488-7386 -sexuality support: 1-800-246-7743 -eating disorders hotline: 1-847-831-3438 -rape and sexual assault: 1-800-656-4673 -grief support: 1-650-321-5272 -runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000 -exhale: ater abortion hotline/pro-voice: 1-866-4394253 -child abuse: 1-800-422-4453

UK HELPLINES: -samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail [email protected] -childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111 -mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: [email protected] -mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 [email protected] -b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open mon-fri 10.30am-8.30pm and saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: [email protected] -b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open mon-fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, saturday 1pm-7pm) -cruse bereavement care: 08444779400 e-mail: [email protected] -frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600 -drinkline: 0800 9178282 -rape crisis england & wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail [email protected] -rape crisis scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight -india self harm hotline: 00 08001006614 -india suicide helpline: 022-27546669 -kids help phone (canada): 1-800-668-6868, free and available 24/7

SUICIDE HOTLINES; -argentina: 54-0223-493-0430 -australia: 13-11-14 -austria: 01-713-3374 -barbados: 429-9999 -belgium: 106 -botswana: 391-1270 -brazil: 21-233-9191 -china: 852-2382-0000 (hong kong: 2389-2222) -costa Rica: 606-253-5439 -croatia: 01-4833-888 -cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67 -czech republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908 -denmark: 70-201-201 -egypt: 762-1602 -estonia: 6-558-088 -finland: 040-5032199 -france: 01-45-39-4000 -germany: 0800-181-0721 -greece: 1018 -guatemala: 502-234-1239 -holland: 0900-0767 -honduras: 504-237-3623 -hungary: 06-80-820-111 -iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90 -israel: 09-8892333 -italy: 06-705-4444 -japan: 3-5286-9090 -latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292 -malaysia: 03-756-8144 (singapore: 1-800-221-4444) -mexico: 525-510-2550 -netherlands: 0900-0767 -new zealand: 4-473-9739 -new guinea: 675-326-0011 -nicaragua: 505-268-6171 -norway: 47-815-33-300 -philippines: 02-896-9191 -poland: 52-70-000 -portugal: 239-72-10-10 -russia: 8-20-222-82-10 -spain: 91-459-00-50 -south africa: 0861-322-322 -south korea: 2-715-8600 -sweden: 031-711-2400 -switzerland: 143 -taiwan: 0800-788-995 -thailand: 02-249-9977 -trinidad and tobago: 868-645-2800 -ukraine: 0487-327715

just in case you’re having a hard time.

stay strong.

Person Appreciation Post

I love you. Honestly, you're the fucking best. You have been there even when I didn't realize it. You have been there for the good, and the bad. You were there for me at my worst time, when I hit rock bottom and didn't think I was coming back up to the surface. It's been a long ass road but you're the one who's been there, every day since that moment. You dived in and brought me back up for air. I've never had someone who's cared about me as much as you do, except for dad. You didn't have to help me and be there for me, but you were. You could've had dad admit me to hospital and medicated but you didn't. You worked it out with me by being there in case I fell again. You've made me love myself again and I can't ever repay you for that. I honestly hope we stay like this forever. I'll be there for your bad times, even though you shut down and don't wanna talk about it. I'll binge Netflix with you, I'll take a walk with you while you brain dump? I think you called it? I'll go on adventures with you, I'll go wherever you want to, just to be there for you. And if there ever comes a chance in hell that we aren't friends anymore, I'll forever remember the person who was there when I was scared to let anyone else in. Now I hope you're not crying because this is supposed to be happy. Because I love you. People are supposed to hate their in-laws but I fucking love mine. You'll never be "too old" to hang out with, NEVER. We'll grow old and be best bitches forever. Stay sick, you're the best!

#bestfriend #best friend appreciation post #my person #bestbitch #love you

2 a.m. thoughts

You ever sit awake at night and you feel absolutely nothing? Is the one thing that comes to mind is a friend of the past, the one who was there to make you feel. No? Just me? It's times like this I'm glad I can't find it but I know there's a box of blades at work, I found them the other night and considered taking one home. I've used the box cutter, it works great, little to no pressure needed.... but then I think of the good and how far if come and I hate myself for thinking about it in the first place. Things have been great lately but for some reason, I find myself staring at my ceiling with tears running down my checks. Silent tears. For no reason. Downward spiral? I hope not honestly. But it was nice, I'm not gonna lie, to see the blood and the marks it left. It was nice to revisit the past. I can still see the faint marks on my skin. I love but hate the fact I don't scar easily... You tell people you're suffering but there's no proof, but you also don't have to hide anything, you can blame it on the cat and no one asks questions. Huh, what a weird world it is. P.s- I know you'll see this sooner or later, don't worry, I've got you and dad with me, I'm okay I swear. You're the bestest person I could ask for. Thank you :)

#2 am thoughts #2 am posts #2 am ramblings

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Person

I'm your person, it's what I do. @beautiful-sami

#person #my person #loveyou #forever #greys #anatomy #greysanatomy #Grey's anatomy #bestfriend

Its pouring outside. One of those days where a book and hot cup of tea or coffee sounds nice😍

jadziad-deactivated20170207

unknownsapphire

😂😂

Pain....

Sept. -

There's nothing worse then loosing your best friend. My baby girl. My everything. Oh how I miss you so much darling. Momma misses your cuddles and your loving purr. Oh god baby girl, it hurts so much. Every time I think of you, I remember how I wasn't there for you in your last moments. Everyone says it'll get better overtime but here it is 3 months later and I'm still broken inside. I know you're up there with the rest of my loved ones and I know you're just as anxious for the day we meet again as I am. I hope you're proud of me baby, I'm trying so hard to be strong without you. It's killing me, but I'm doing it. If and when I move on to another animal I hope you don't get mad. I hope you understand that eventually I won't be able to do this on my own. I'm planning on getting a tattoo of you for my birthday. I had plans to take you to college with me. I thought I had more time with you than what I had. God this is so painful. I gotta take a break....I'll come back later.

Continued - Jan 30, 2016.

Honey it’s me. I still miss you, and yes it still hurts without you by my side. But, I found another cat, to help fill the void and to make it easier. Her name is Kat. She makes me feel better, just like you did. I still love the thought of you. I love the thought of your cuddles, your purr, and your meow. I miss you physically but spiritually, I know you’re always here. Months ago, I was a mess. Distrought with grief, drowning in sadness, lost, broken and shattered. Things were so simple when you were here. I cannot ever repay you for the best 8 years of my life you gave me. You were my first, my baby, my angel, and my everything. You still continue to be those things. The hurt gets better some days, other days it seems like it just happened. I love you with all my heart and I always will. Kat is in no way your replacement. You can never be replaced. I hope you’re up there and making those I’ve lost comfortable. It was rough when you passed. A month later, Moon passed, and after that my Grandmother passed. My soul was broken. I love you and I miss you. For now, bye sweetie. Till next time.

Egg Donor

No. You can’t make things right. I hate you, and you wanna know why? Because you had 16 god damned years to make things right. If you wanted things to be right then you should have come to see me on visitation days, dad WALKED! EVERY DAMN DAY! HE NEVER MISSED A MEETING, COURT APPEARANCE, OR VISITATION! He fought for us for 4 years, while you were out getting drunk and high! You didn’t even care. You don’t even know, nor do you care probably but, I was moved around to at least 3 DIFFERENT FOSTER HOMES! Maybe more, I don’t know, I was so young and, you, you didn’t care…you never have and never will so don’t pretend…you were supposed to help me grow up, but instead you left and never came back. Why do you hate me? What did I do to deserve this? Why is he more important than your own baby, the one who is supposed to crawl into your bed late at night. Instead you chose him over us, I hope it was worth it, I hope it was worth throwing your baby girl away…why mommy why? You don’t deserve to be called mom, but I still do…I should call you what you are, an egg donor………you never even visited me in the hospital when I was barely hanging in there, I could’ve died you know, if it wasn’t for the breathing tubes and machines, I’d be dead! You could’ve buried your baby!! You know, I often wonder what that day was like, the day we were taken away. I was so little I can’t remember it, all I remember is growing up in someone else’s house and not knowing my dad till I was 5 or 6, everyone says I’m the lucky one cuz I can’t remember, but you know what it sucks. I’d rather remember it, so I could have some kind of memory to tell people when they ask. I’ve only seen you twice in the span of 4 years and that was when I was like 9….I only have 2 words for you……..FUCK YOU! You ruined my life and for that, I’ll never forgive you.

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Break the rules, as they were meant to be broken...

Rebellious Teenager

I will not apologize for making plans for the future, it’s those plans that are keeping me alive, day after dreaded day. They are the reason why I’m still here and why I continue to push myself even on my darkest days to keep going, and to push the thoughts out of my head. So excuse me while I struggle to survive….

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