big bitch brainrot

tbh…..i know this is news people probably aren’t excited to hear, but i’ve come to the decision that i won’t be posting new gtms chapters—at least until i feel comfortable sharing it again. i’ll still edit existing chapters as i see fit (those are not going anywhere) and on occasion, i’ll post gtms stuff that i feel comfortable sharing (be it ocs or little writing snippets). but while i am still writing it, the story itself will not currently be updated on here.

if i’m being honest with myself, this is a long time coming. while i appreciate and am grateful for the enthusiasm and the potential people see in gtms, it’s a tiny original project in one corner of the internet, and it’s just not something i want other people’s eyes or opinions on anymore. i need to restore it as a project for myself without other people’s influence, so while i might someday publish the story, as of now, it will remain private.

tldr—i no longer feel comfortable sharing, so for the foreseeable future, there will be no new gtms chapters.

i am not rehashing the entire series of events that led us here. all you need to know is this is my work that is being desecrated and yeah, i am going to be a little fucking mean about it, because i have taken shit like this for far too long. it’s clear some of you are begging for attention, but be careful what you wish for. fuck around and find out—you poke the bear, you get mauled.

@norathewatcher hi you spineless bitch. you are bringing nothing back. i don’t give a fuck if you’re goddamn michelangelo. you are not “reviving a fandom” you are fucking stealing. there is no fandom, there never was a fandom, this is not a big media like star wars or disney, it was a small passion project by an independent writer posted for funsies. it was treated like big media by a handful of individuals and that is WHY the project stopped, though i have a feeling you know this shit already, don’t you?

but death of the author! you cry in excuse. do i sound fucking dead to you. death of the author is for long dead, problematic authors so we are able to discuss the cultural relevance of their work, not to enable you stealing shit off of tumblr dot com. this is not you “simply filling the vacuum” this is you feeling fucking entitled to the existence of my work and my characters and ultimately, me, for your consumption. you are not owed gtms. it is not a given that this shit needs to exist for you. it is not “content” you “deserve.” like any work shared, it was a privilege to be able to enjoy what i posted of my labor of love, but this is how privileges work: they can be taken away when abused. you are not an artist, you are a spoiled fucking brat with zero dignity or integrity, loyal to nothing but your own greed. fuck off.

i made it explicitly clear in my final post leaving this community that the cause was not a single person or situation but because the community itself is fucking. rancid. the mindset that led to this shitshow is an enormous reason why i left, in addition to the bigotry running rampant—all of which is still alive and well here, though you might think you don’t see it. what you are doing now is having the complete opposite effect of your stated goals. the only thing you have accomplished is digging your own grave, and like a vengeful spirit, i am back to put you in the ground. i am telling you to shut the fuck up, and then i am going back to my happy little life without this fucking circus.

as for the rest of you. i’m sure some of you had no idea what the original situation was, but to those of you who know better and support this garbage anyway, shame on your fucking soul. are you all so fucking hungry for your slop you’ll take it from fucking anybody? eat shit.

when i made my post about chamomile-g-tea’s damaging treatment of my story, gtms, my goal was to acknowledge the situation so i could hopefully move forward and restore gtms/my blog as mine again, without her influence. and while i anticipated backlash, some of the responses were just...downright disturbing. lots of comments echoed a victim-blaming sentiment that i am responsible for the emotional and creative damage done to me by another person because ‘why didn’t you just say no or tell her to stop?’ not only does this ignore the several attempts i did make to express discomfort and set boundaries—which were not respected—but even if i didn’t manage to express a ‘no’, that doesn’t make what happened ok; it doesn’t erase the year of crippling pressure and guilt i lived with and still struggle to shake daily. realizing that so many people in this community think otherwise is just...disturbing. it’s disturbing. that’s the only word i can think to use.

the response to all this does not make me feel safe being here—that’s what this situation has unfortunately showed me: that the audience i hoped to allow to view my reclaiming process would also contain the same crowd who make me feel so unsafe—and why the fuck would i let those people see something as personal as that? why would i let them see anything? it’s made me understand i can’t continue to heal myself and my writing if i am posting it for other people, especially harmful people. and even though it turned out this way, i’m glad i gave it a shot; that i made that post as an effort to see if it was even possible or worth it to restore this space—even if the answer was no! absolutely fucking not!—because it saved me from even more time spent sharing my work with people who do not respect me as a person or a creator. i’m glad i tried, however much it sucked, because it allowed me to understand: it is not just one person in this community i feel unsafe with, but a solid percentage of the community at large that i just cannot healthily engage with, and no amount of blocking will fix that.

but of course this is not the only situation that showed me this community’s true colors—the dismissive or outright aggressive response to the calling out of racism in our tropes has also been deeply disturbing. to clarify, there is no problem in identifying with and finding comfort or catharsis in problematic tropes such as the pet trope, but there is a problem with using that comfort to make others feel unsafe and speak over people of color. and the solution to this trope problem is very simple—generally apply critical thinking skills to the media you enjoy, and tag your shit properly (dead dove, particularly when the giant owner/abuser doesn’t face consequences and/or if the abused/abuser fall in ‘love’—dead dove is not actually currently used in this community, that’s the problem). but rather than taking this as an opportunity to listen and improve, it was instead used as a chance to lash out at and make clear that poc are not welcome in this community and come secondary to the feelings of white creators and readers.

over the last few years, this community has fostered and been exposed for bigotry such as terfs, ableists, racists, etc, and especially in the current political era, this is no longer a community i want to share my work with or even just lurk in. and i know on the surface this community seems progressive, but take a better look and you’ll find members of the community doing and saying…questionable things, or keeping quiet and enabling their friends who do and say questionable things because they would rather be passive and polite than be genuinely kind and compassionate through active accountability.

of course this is the risk you take interacting with any person ever—but it’s especially taxing to look around at such a small, close knit community you know is riddled with these problems and wonder if the people making innocent posts are actually harmful; if they prioritize their comfort over the safety of marginalized people, if they even see you as a full person, and for me, personally—if they are willing to overlook consent to blame you for your trauma and defend the person who inflicted it. it’s taxing to explain basic basic concepts to strangers over and over in a place that prides itself on being a safe space, where people just have fun and mentally escape from irl hardships. it’s taxing to ride out shitty, hateful treatment when you are just simply one person (voluntarily providing free services btw) with only so much energy and fucks to give. it is not worth the strain it puts on you as a person, nor is it your responsibility to sit there and accept it, and i am not the only creator in this community who feels this way. we are fucking tired.