Unfortunate Word Vomit

It’s not that I don’t want to be his friends with benefits, I’d just like less friends and more benefits

just sign off, thats all i'm asking, is that really to hard?

i'm so used to creepy stalkers, it no longer surprises me.

I’m oddly turned on by politeness, i blame Jane Austen.

me: i think i may have become a monster Roomie: BECOME?

Me: do you wanna go for food? Roomie: only if you buy me fries Me: the sex I just had was cheaper

me: "Why would they want to be my fake friends, when they could be my real friends?" Roomie : "you don't have real friends, you have people that you tolerate"

It's a double sweater morning

"she no longer does serious elf fiction."

You can show me all the abs you want, your still not getting my number

"That's very Barney Stinson, I wonder if he's just saying that to get into my pants?" -pause - "do I care?"

No but we could be, like, ginger siblings.

Me: “I couldn’t get the door open so I just sat on the steps and cried and waited for a strong man to come along and help me” Roommate : “so, that feminism is really working out for you then?” (Sarcastically) Me: “…I would have also accepted a strong woman”

"No one ever looks as attractive as their photo" - pause - "except me"