A Journal

I feel deprived of solitude lately. I think I need to set aside either an evening or perhaps a morning ritual. Some time everyday for me to be alone with my mind — no dog, no phone. What I am describing, essentially, is meditation. It is time for a major homecoming — to return to the breath.

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I went out to dinner with Raphael, Mara, and Andres tonight. I ate intuitively and I feel very proud. Mara also confirmed that Kaya has a crush on me. She said that “I didn’t hear it from her,” but it eases a certain anxiety for sure. It gives me a confidence boost. But Kaya has so much shit to deal with, and any affinity I have for her is purely physical. I have my shit I need to work on, too. I need to start thinking about my next move — post Budd Ave and post Forthright. Where am I going? And who with?

I’m feeling a lot of big emotions lately and I’m very proud of how I have been handling it.

I have been feeling a bit insecure these last few months — in the sense that I am insecure in my identity. I feel new and unknown. I wonder who I am. How do I act? What can I work on?

And why am I so obsessed with working on myself? I have self-love issues. I have a distaste for myself at times. I find myself inappropriate and awkward. Misconfigured and colorful. It can be hard to love.

I know myself better than I think, I am just not yet confident in perception.

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I am so fucking happy I am done with childhood.

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Walked into a three-way conversation today between Mara, Andres, and Abby all talking about how well I could pull girls. LMAO. 

Mara paid me the highest compliment. She told me that I made her feel less alone, and that transitioning has been very isolating. She said me telling her about my own puberty was very compassionate — she also said I would be an amazing therapist or social worker. I’m really still figuring it out, but that is something that makes a lot of sense for me. I think I’ll give myself time. Meanwhile, I am so thankful for all the blessings.

Abby and I are going for brunch tomorrow and I’m so excited. I haven't had that quality solo time with her that I’ve gotten with everybody else. I love Abby and our dynamic. I’m excited to give more to this friendship. 

It’s insane how much I use my phone. It’s been feeling like a problem. Like addiction. I am never bored. I fill in so many small moments in my day. I do not spend that time just to be. I never sit with my head up. I went on my phone twice today with other people. I was with Kaya and Lyric at the nail salon and well all went on our phones. I need to make a change. Social media use only in the car? Not when out, and not when in public. Yes. Only when parked in the car. 

If I don’t know how to fill time, sit. Meditate. Stretch. Go outside. Be in my body. Be in my mind. Be in the moment. Enjoy it. Think creatively. Think critically. Think nothing at all.

Just get off your damn phone.

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I feel very grateful to have Kaya in my life. I think we balance each other out. I’ve learned a lot from her — both about how I want to be and how I don’t want to be. I enjoy the dynamics of our relationship. I think we contribute the necessary things we. need in this stage of our lives for each other. We both have a reason the other is in our life.

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Practicing being more mindful of how I am now has made it easier for me to be aware of how I am changing. I need to work on vulnerability. On truth. On moral perfectionism. On being more present. On taking good care of my environment. On aiming higher or living with a higher purpose.

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Everyone at work has taught me a lesson. I am so grateful for this job and for these people. I am who I am because of them. Kaya taught me how to indulge myself. Nazila taught me how to open up to strangers. Bex taught me how to speak up for myself. Abby taught me authenticity — and that if I am true to myself I will find my people. Andres taught me how to dream big and bold. Mara taught me self-love and has helped me build my self-image. Arman taught me a sense of play and fun. Brian taught me self-reliance and gave me confidence. Holy fuck. I am lucky. This job also let me think about leading a life outside of convention. I thank God for that.

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Mara called me last night after work. She had an emotional day and was feeling scattered and depressed. She just needed to vent but ended the call by thanking me. She said she just really wanted to talk to someone who is “always emotionally stable.” I feel so proud, so grounded, so solid, so myself. I’m glad I have worked hard enough that others can see the results. Mara told me her and Lyric missed my light at work yesterday. I’m floating.

The greatest responsibility of adulthood is becoming the instigator for change in your own life. Society puts you through change throughout your childhood. Growth is schedule for you, marked by transitions and milestones within middle and high school: first jobs, graduations, and driving tests. But once you get to adulthood, change becomes your own. We can choose to stay comfortable and safe in certain stages of life, but then we are not really living. I want to create major change for myself. Ideally, this change can come when the lease is up for the apartment, but we’ll see what happens. I’m not sure what form I want this change to take shape in.

I am also desiring change in myself lately. I think the spring is inspiring me for less chaos, more routine, cleanliness, meditation, time with nature, and personal growth. I get like that this time of year.

I am also proud of myself and optimist for my life that I respond well to change and look for areas for personal growth. I think this will help me lean away from the comfortable and complacent life that I fear. I also know that I have already made changes and imperfect progress in myself. This past week at work I mad a bold, outta-pocket, honest comment to Brain. Was that a mistake? Yes. But it is a brand new mistake I made. I am so proud of that mistake. That is the mistake of a woman who speaks her mind and thinks for herself — the kind of woman I have been watering my soul to be. I am so thankful for this change and for the changes to come.

I feel really united with myself lately. I think that who I’ve been and how I’ve been has been a diverse cast of characters. However, its all been me. I really feel like myself. My story feels more coherent. I can see how who I was has made me who I am. I know that who I am is going to make me into who I will be. I can understand now what the Buddha meant about no-self: if all of these things could be me — all these variations of personality and temperament and mindset — then how can you call anything your self. If your self can be lanothering, then the whole concept of self is nil. The self, to me, is more real to me than the Buddha taught. I know self is real because I feel like one.

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I know I’m going to love getting and having tattoos. they’re so lovely and so cool and fashionable. They’re such a neat way to always look like yourself and maintain a sustainable wardrobe. And they’re very different culturally now, too.

Every day of my life feels so important. Perhaps it’s my youth, but every decision I make feels so formative; every action I take feels like a creation of who I am. I am a person who writes. I am a person who goes out for drinks. I am a person who doesn’t meditate. Who wears certain things. To spend money on certain things. It all feels so foundational.

For the first time in my life I am dealing with an over-watered plant. Sunshine is not doing great and is the unhappiest she’s ever been. It’s all because I over-watered her. I tried too hard to keep her healthy. I am glad I am learning how not to feel the same way about my own mind. I think I can tend to try to over-monitor my mental health. I worry social media will rot my brain.

I, of course, just paused to worry if social media is in fact rotting my brain. I decided it is.

Samantha and her peach tea are with me on this shroomy afternoon. Zach and his sense of adventure are with me. Ringo and his imagination are we with.

 I am composite. 

It’s an ancient Zen practice to wake up and mediate on death. Zen Buddhists felt it was important to wake up and accept that you are going to die someday. I’m going to begin this since I feel that I don’t think about my own death enough. I do think often of impermanence, but I don’t often feel ephemeral. There is an important difference.

I am so thankful to have had a psychic reading done. It affirmed a lot for me, as well as raised many questions.  It felt validating to have my connection to the natural world recognized. I have always felt like there is something I could see that most others could not. On occasion — and recently — it has felt like exasperation. Can you see what I see? Do you not feel the same sun on your skin? Do you not worship the clouds in the sky? I feel like my connection to the natural world manifests as pleasure. It can be lonely in that specific and eternal pleasure, but it’s a love worth isolation.

It was interesting that she said I energetically seem like I am in a relationship. My energy seems unavailable, but she also sensed it was still entangled with Grace. I thought that she was behind me — and in a sense she is, but it also pokes at the gut feeling I’ve had lately that I am emotionally past my friend group. I think I need to untie myself and let myself sink deeper into the relationships I have now.

I also think it’s funny that she said it will be hard for me to find someone who can stimulate my mind. I feel like I can be consumed by my own mind — fascinated — and I think “I need someone who finds their own brain as equally interesting as I do mine. I also love that she told me I could pick who I wanted. She said I doubt myself even though I’m pretty and easy to be around. It reminded me of when Arman and Mason told me that I don’t know what my face looks like and don’t give myself enough credit. 

I also felt her spiel on plant medicine fascinating. I felt honored that someone like Sarah would ask me if I receive messaging when on shrooms or other drugs. I do feel that way. I feel like weed opens up my mind. It’s hard to smoke around other people. I want to go to Peru and do ayahuasca like she told me to. I can feel myself on the path she saw me on. I feel I have reached the base of the mountain — which was a journey of its right to reach — but now it’s time for the climb.

As new as I feel, I know that part of me feels just like I did when I was fifteen. That part of me is my sense of self and consciousness. 

Because I do feel different from before. And too I won’t feel like myself again. I will evolve.

But there is a basic me. I am a spirit. Spiritual. I am a spiritual person.

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The other day Nazila I was the great. She called me one-of-a-kind and I asked her what she meant. She said I seemed like I am really good at regulating my emotions. She said that I seem really present to her. And completely in the moment. 

Nobody had ever said that to me before. And I don’t think anybody could have. I feel only for the first time in my life that I am in the present moment. I don’t know if everybody can see it in my, but I’m so glad Nazila does. It feels very validating. 

I didn’t write last week and I did not take care of myself. I think it is related. I will now journal prescriptively.