Unfathomable Phantom

With the Philippine elections going by, I would like to jot down a review on who will I vote for the position of the next Philippine president.

I would like to first introduce who I am. I am a first time voter, 19 years old. It is a matter of debate whether I'm a millennial or not. But the thing is, this election is particularly important to me because the next administration will be the one who will be responsible for the environment when I leave the academia and enter the workforce. That includes: modernization and traffic management, environmental protection and disaster preparedness, healthy financial institutions and good economic developments among others.

When choosing for a president, we should obviously take into consideration a lot of things. A warrior good at dual combat doesn't necessarily mean he will be a good military strategist. Similarly, not because a candidate seems the most able, or the smartest of them all, or has the most integrity among them all doesn't mean he will be the most fit candidate for the presidency. I tend to think of other factors such as his political affiliations, his core beliefs, the powers behind him, his leadership skills, his socialization skills among others.

That being said, let us have a rundown of the candidates, starting from the candidate with the least concern.

5. Binay - from as early as two years ago, we have always seen TV commercials about how living in Makati feels like. We can at least confirm that with a few testimonials plus a quick google search about the richest cities in the Philippines based on income. The thing is, with a business center like that in Makati, any other city mayor can continue those social programs for as long as he like. Also, I believe that it is only a matter of time until his corruption charges be proven. Add the fact that his family doesn't respect the working class. Remember the security guard incident? Oh, and speaking about his family who are all in politics, would you like to have an oligarch government? This man is a real threat to democracy.

4. Poe - I don't care about her whole citizenship mess; she can lie all the way through. But I just want to point out that when she was the one who introduced the new MTRCB ratings which is the most unnecessary reform I have seen so far, add the also-unnecessary Willie Revillame shitstorm, don't wonder why I think MTRCB has become a pussy when there are a lot more media issues that should be taken care of. But the really thing that turned me off of her was remarks about the INC rally in EDSA. She said something like it is an expression of their faith and that they have the right to do so. What the actual fuck. The mess was totally wrong and I don't need a president who would suck another person's dick, especially if that's a religious organization's dick. Shit's dangerous.

3. Duterte - I can't help it, but I think Duterte is a joke. I am well aware of how much he has done on Davao. I am also aware how badly the Mindanaoans want to feel represented. But if one can only look closer, it's as if he's just running as a candidate because Cayetano wouldn't just stop bugging him. He makes empty promises such as 'shift to federalism' which is obviously not a one-man job. He doesn't even have a platform proper. Call him 'kamay na bakal' but what I'm looking for is 'ngipin ng batas'. I can only think that Duterte is a conduit by some network of people behind the scences. Who knows though. 

One thing worth mentioning though is him being likened to Trump because of his mouth. Duterte is no Trump. Trump spews out BS. Duterte just wanna keep a Dirty Harry image. I don't care if he wanna stop being politically correct and make all the rape jokes he wants. He may also make jokes about dead babies and trypophobia; we can share the dark twisted mind that I have, if that's what he thinks is what makes him badass. Speaking of a badass president, here is how Putin wrote to Americans via NYT. Notice how good of a communicator he is. 

2. Roxas - Sucks PNoy's dick. Born rich. Allegedly not corrupt. Will not make tax reforms. Is conservative in social issues. Daang Matuwid is not as bad as it is told, but we can see that the inefficiency sucks big time. The only reason he is ranked higher than Duterte is because Duterte is a much dangerous choice.

1. Santiago - Academic, Moral, Whatever excellence. Bruh? Who cares? That’s just her tag line. But when talking about her credentials, no one can really deny. Except for that rumor when she almost flunked that bar exam and then she went really crazy because Franklin Drillon and the other one got the top spots. Those are just rumors, though. Maybe that’s the biggest amount of black propaganda they can achieve? I mean, an insult to a person based on score is an insult to the concept of intelligence itself. And at least she is an expert in international laws. Even her health should be of no question unless you do not have at least a basic understanding of the medical profession.

...when you just want someone to be there for you? She doesn't have to be your girlfriend. She just have to be your friend. And you don't wanna lose her. But you don't wanna lose her.

A saying goes like, “You won't know the value of some[one] until it's gone.” True in most cases. We tend to neglect the joy keeping it and underestimate the pain of losing it. It has happened to everyone. You've got a fair share of such pain and I have mine. This is why I always remind myself of the people I enjoy being with, the people I'm happy living my life with. :)

I was watching the X-Men series lately and suddenly, I kind of contemplating with Cyclops's line, “Back off my girl.” I used to think he's an overly confident man, too proud and arrogant. But then, to each his own. Now, I can only hear the sound of a courageous man defending what he thinks is his. I am astonished by the underlying attitude. When I arranged a friend and a girl I liked to meet, they ended up being lovers, leaving nothing to myself.

What's more fanciful is that it's happening again. And this time, I am making myself a wingman of “that friend” and the girl I like.

A few have seen it but deep inside, I have an excessively hungry desire. I am talking about the desire of keeping someone at my touch.  Clingy is an understatement. Since God is a jealous god, I probably have the gift of a godly jealousy.

That being said, you might be thinking, “How could such a jealous man make fool of himself by being a wingman of his own defeat?”

Emotions are uncontrollable. Unfortunately, behavior is. I know the pain of being left alone. There's nothing I can do if someone chose to be with some other guy. But I can always choose to leave them alone. The pain is real. But what I can do, I will do.

It's never a secret that My Little Princess is not just an ordinary friend of mine. She's special. I am happy that our friendship remains even though she's not my classmate anymore. Anytime, I can choose to “move it up the next level” at my discretion. But I never sought-after it. First, I am already happy with the way we are at this level of friendship. Second, I have my own personal doubts.

There used to be the three of us who would go home together—me, My Little Princess, and that friend we shall name John. However since I was reassigned to another section, I now go home alone with the two of them still together. John is a great, funny guy. In fact recently, The Association is deciding whether they would appoint him as a Vice President of the media group.

Just last week, John sent me a PM on Facebook. He was asking permission if he could 'court' My Little Princess.  That was an awkward moment. He should know that seeking my permission is unnecessary because of all people he knows that there is no 'us'.  He's kind of an asshole, though, because of all people why would he have to choose her? But then, that's none of my business. Years of reading internet dating advice sites have me trained to not focus other people's feelings except my own.

In order to strengthen our alliance with Poland, I told him that I would grant him my permission if and only if he would make me the AVP of the media group, just to make things more interesting. Apparently, he still has the rest of February to comply. Funny that I actually don't have any plans on My Little Princess any time soon but if he doesn't comply, I would probably reap the rewards of other people's seeds.

My Little Princess was just recently crowned the winner of The Association's beauty pageant yesterday. My Little Princess is, without a doubt, now a Queen. Of all the years I've been a fan of celebrities, there's one thing I can be sure of: being a public figure brings a lot of change. Radical change. I'm no fan of beauty pageants, but it seems like they have an industry of their own. Whatever change is coming, I'm assuming  that it is something I have yet to understand.

Three days ago, a new classmate of mine told me that she has seen The Queen with someone else. They were sweet af. And my classmate was pretty convinced that they were a thing; even more of a thing that we were. Could it be John? Most probably not. The reason why I am playing games with John is because I am almost certain that they will never be together, at least with my given knowledge of who The Queen is (If I happen to be wrong, I'd go stand in the corner and reconsider my life).

The Queen's friends have no idea. My thirst for the man intensifies.

Yesterday after the pageant, I think I just know who he is.

The former King.

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Message to the Queen:

On my 6th grade, I once read a selection about two kinds of bookworms. One eats books, the other one reads it. I guess I'm not the one eating papers.

Being a bookworm is cool. We think of them as quiet people, reserved and solitary. This is one of the most awesome introverted traits because it makes you look smart and sassy.

I never had any "real book" as a child, apart from textbooks. Fiction is my favorite; they are the books that take you to places. However, the only stories I read are selections from english textbooks that my mother got from our neighbors. And also, I have a couple of story and coloring books.

Textbooks are great, though. My favorite subject is science, which I first took in my 3rd grade. The first time I got my science book, I read it page by page after I got home and finished it about an hour later.

Now that I'm in college, I would have to stick my nose onto accounting textbooks. Never have I been so bored in my life. It has become so boring that my body would automatically feel drowsy the moment I open such miserable stack of papers. I could care less memorizing how to properly record this kind of transaction.

I lent my flash drive to a former classmate because I asked for a copy of the fifth season of American Horror Story. Along with it were EPUB copies of Hollow City and Library of Souls by Ransom Riggs.

At first I was like, "The hell should I do with this? I can't even read my own texbooks and you are expecting me to read story books?"

And then I realized that I have long been facing a dilemma: am I the kind of person that loves to read books, especially during free time?

Maybe I wasn't actually a bookworm. Maybe I just wanted to feel good about myself. Not all people read so I guessed it's pretty okay if I would have to admit I'm not.

This dilemma started soon as I started failing classes. Not a total failure, just that my grades aren't living up to expectations. I knew I had to read. Professors don't teach.

Here is the biggest problem... next to sleeping over textbooks: whenever I get the motivation to read one, english somehow becomes elvish. This lead me to stop reading other books aside from accounting textbooks. Result: not a single book was read for the semester, and the subsequent semesters thereafter.

I can always imagine a stranger asking me,"What is your favorite book?" Or probably, "What are the books that you have already finished?"

Situations like that arise. And I'm always dumbfounded. What comes to my mind are Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Alice in Wonderland, Moby Dick, Divine Comedy and Divergent. For the record, I haven't read any of them. Also, I have books like A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking  but I never finished it. I once borrowed Black Beauty from my english teacher's mini-library when I was in high school; the story was nice, but it isn't exactly the type of story that I would like to read everyday.

"I am not a bookworm."

Such words are easy to say. But doing so left a big hole in my personality, like a big part of my life has been an illusion all along. Do I have a problem accepting reality, or is this something else? Regardless of the answer, life should move on.

According to Mark Manson, we don't really have to read specific types of books. If you like reading a book about zombie apocalypse, then go read it. If you like reading a book about social revolution, then do so. What's important is you develop the habit of reading.

Suddenly, I thought that maybe I'm not being considerate to myself.

I opened the “Books” folder in my computer where a lot of PDF's are located and organized. Honestly, I was surprised at what I found. Or maybe I wasn't?

A lot of textbooks were there. Next to Hawking's book in the science and technology section was Lawrence Krauss' A Universe From Nothing: Why There Is Something Rather Than Nothing. Hey, I finished this book! Along in the science and technology section are quantum physics, cosmology and electronics textbooks I got from the internet. I can't read them all because I'm an accounting major.

In the personal finance section, I also found a couple of books and I've finished them all! Robert Kiyosaki's Rich Dad, Poor Dad, being the first one, helped me better appreciate the world of finance, consequently giving purpose to my college degree. DISCLAIMER: Things get more interesting in higher accounting, especially when one starts to deal with more real-world concepts and decision-making like the stock market or capital budgeting. But back to the basics, ugh.

There is also a section I named “Mystic, Occult, Religion, Philosophy” where I put books like Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion and Manly P. Hall's The Secret Teachings of All Ages. These were my go-to books in different stages of my life.

There are actually a lot more books that could fall into the “I read it because I want to” category. And there is an overwhelming similarity— they are nonfiction! Well, regardless of whether I finished it or not is another story.

It was an enlightening moment. I was being hard to myself because I only think of books as the most popular YA in town. The fact is, people of my age would read books to be entertained. But learning is my entertainment. Changing the world is my passion.

Things now get easier to recall. I remember in sociology and history classes would give us excerpts from books of subjects like political revolution or the first volume of Das Kapital. If I'm not mistaken, I was the only one who wanted more of it while the others seems to be not interested. A minor subject it is. I also remember craving to get a history book from a flea market.

With this realization, does it mean the end of fiction for me?

I love fiction. Nothing's gonna change that.

The story books I had, and still have, as a child are treasure even though most of them cost as much as a handful of candies. The only “real” story book I have is the one with the frog and a toad.

Even though I said I didn't like Black Beauty as much, nor did I read Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist and Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie back when those were a requirement when I was in high school, I can remember one book which I liked reading. I woke up one day beside a woman, but she's still asleep. So I grabbed a book from the shelf next to me. It was about grandfather time, by Mitch Albom. I didn't get to finish the because because she woke up. But if ever I find that book again, I'll surely read it again.

Reading should not be a burden. Reading is a habit. The books you read could be a reflection of who you are. Forcing yourself to read something is not much unlike insecurity— sacrificing your happiness just so other could see you as beautiful in their own standards. Others forcing you to read something is a blatant torture.

Third year. Bagong section. Bagong buhay. Perhaps, panahon na para huminga. Masyado akong nasakal mula sa nakalipas na taon.

Konti lang ang mga kaklase kong naging kaklase ko rin noong second year. At nahihiya sila, kasi kumbaga'y late enrollees kami. Hindi namin dapat sila kaklase. Pero ako, bakit ako mahihiya? Chance ko na ito para magkaroon ng panibagong social life at magpakasipag sa pag-aaral.

Nakaka-depress nga lang dahil ang pinaka-ayaw ko sa lahat ay ang umuwi ng mag-isa. Lalo pa't wala pang PNR sa mga panahong ito.

Parehas na style na ginamit ko noong high school ako noong nalipat ako sa star section -- ang magpaka-FC. Effective naman. Makikipag-usap ka sa mga taong feel mong kausapin at usually, chill lang naman sila... just as how you would react kung may stranger na nakipag-usap sa'yo. Gamit ang technique na ito, makakaya mong i-project ang sarili mo bilang si Han Solo kahit pa mahiyain ka naman talaga.

Isang gabi, habang naghihintay ng prof sa Productions and Operations Management, may nakausap akong isang babae. Kamustahan lang; ganun. Tapos sinundan ng isang mahaba-habang awkward silence.

"Chill ka lang, okay? Chill lang. Natural lang yan, sabi sa guide sa internet," sabi ko sa sarili ko.

Dumating na ang prof namin at in-arrange kami ng alphabetical. "Jolina" ang pangalan ng katabi ko kaya naman ng kinagabihan ay nag-post ako sa group ng mga 2nd year classmates ko: "Guys, may ka-love team akong classmate."

Maraming naintriga kaya binura ko ang post matapos ang makailang minuto.

Tinanong ng mga dati kong kaklase kung sino ba 'yon ngunit ayaw nilang maniwala na joke lang talaga yun. So, nanghula sila ng mga pangalan hanggang napagtanto nila na baka ang tinutukoy ko ay ang babaeng nakita nilang kausap ko.

"Michelle Untalan pala pangalan nun?"

Na-curious ako at hinanap ko kaagad ang pangalan sa Facebook pagkauwian.

"Eto ba talaga 'yun? Parang hindi naman. Hindi ko type."

Taga-Muntinlupa din siya. Nagulat ako na marami siyang mutual friends, gaya nina Steven, James, Roan at Remson! Mga MunScian ito ah! Magdamag ko ring pinag-isipan kung paano nangyari yon hanggang naisip ko na lang na baka MSP rin siya.

Para matigil na agad ang intriga, naki-ride na lang ako sa mga joke nila. Hindi talaga ako magaling sa mga ganito, pero wala na akong magagawa.

Habang naghihintay sa next subject sa hapon at kumakain kami ng merienda, may dumating akong kaklase mula sa labas at sinabing, "Oy si Michelle mo, nandun sa labas sa malapit sa basurahan hinihintay ka."

Bumuhos ang adrenaline sa aking katawan. Para bang may gusto akong patunayan na ewan. So tumayo ako at kinolekta ang mga Zesto nilang walang laman.

"Itatapon ko lang ito."

Pumunta ako sa kinaroroonan ni Michelle at ng mga friends nyang kausap niya. Dun na ko nag-stay sa kahabaan ng break time.

Konti lang ang napag-usapan namin. Nahihiya pa kasi ako. Parang ganito:

*kausap ang bestfriend nya* "Uy bes, wala pa akong pera. Yung scholarship ko di pa nagbibigay..."

*nakisabat naman ako* "MSP ka ba?"

*medyo nabuhayan ng loob* "Oo. MSP ka rin!?"

"Hindi."

"Ano ba naman to paasa."

Ganun ganun lang. Napag-usapan din namin kung pano siyang umuuwi. AB Liner daw sa Pureza. Yayayain ko sana siya na sabay na lang kaming umuwi kaso dumating na yung next prof.

Pagbalik ko sa room, tila ba'y manghang mangha yung mga dati kong kaklase na sinadya ko ang isang someone para kausapin nang halos isang oras.

Simula noon, lagi ko na siyang hinahabol pauwi. Hindi naman habol. I see to it lang na meron akong makakasabay pauwi kasi nga't ang boring ng byahe. Lagi kong nginangarag mga kasabay ko sa tricycle na baka maiwan na ko ng kasabay ko! Hanggang sa isang araw, siya na yung kasabay ko sa tricycle.

Yun ang araw na natuklasan ko may past pala sila ni James! Kaso, pinagpalit daw siya kay Elizabeth. Pero wika nga ni James, "yung elementary, hindi counted."

Natatandaan ko pa nung unang beses naming magkasabay sa bus. Konti lang ang tao kasi tanghali. Tapos kakanta pa kami ng sabay. Air Supply pa yun, Making Love Out Of Nothing At All. Hahaha

Niyaya pa nga niya ako na pumunta daw ako sa Cupang Elementary School. May event daw. Eh ako naman, hindi ko naman sure, baka busy.

Nang nag-oparate na ang PNR, nadagdagan kami ng kasabay pa-Muntinlupa. Si Ernest na taga-National na naging ka-close ko kasi marami syang kilalang classmate ko nung elementary. Edi ayun, squad kami. Yung unang araw na sumakay ng PNR kami pinaka naging close. Alam mo yun, yung parang kahapon lang nagkakahiyaan pa kayo tapos biglang to the max na yung biruan nyo ngayon. Dun na din nagsimula yung "sparks" na atmosphere.

Syempre medyo kinukutya ko sila so medyo puro pang-breezy na pick up lines yung sinasabi ko para nakakatawa. Sa PNR din nag-simula yung "babe" thing na yun kasi habang hinihintay yung mango-graham cheesecale na shake eh napasabi nal ang siya ng "babe" imbis na "beh." Ganun.

Routine lang naman ang lahat. PNR sa hapon. Pag gabi ang uwi, AB liner. Yun nga lang, pag tatlo lang kami, sa women's coach sya sumasakay.

Pag gabi na ang uwi, nagyayaya akong kumain sa kahit saang fastfood, lalong lalo na sa Chowking at Jollibee.

Isang gabi habang naghihintay ng bus, tinanong niya kung SERIOUSLY, ano ba yung... alam nyo na. Di ko alam ang isasagot ko. Ayokong sabihin yung "L" word kasi sobrang dreaded talaga pakingggan. Ayoko ding sabihin na seryoso ako kasi hindi naman ako sure. Ayoko ding sabihin na joke lang ang lahat kasi WTF diba? So sinabi ko na lang na "more than friends but less than lovers." HAHAHAHAHA Dun na rin nabuhay yung pustahan na okay lang ipagpatuloy, basta bawal ma-in love. :P

Simula noon, hindi ko na malaman kung yung mga sinasabi ba nya ay seryoso o hindi. HAHAHAHA Kahit na sinabi nya one night sinabi niya na noong una, akala niya may "future" kami eh ang hirap nang mag-evaluate ng sincerity.

One night nga eh, there was this guy that she had been referring to as "Destiny" kasi gwapo daw. Hmmm... okay. Tapos english major, at may tinitinda siyang stuffs. Late nang dumating si Destiny so nakatayo siya, pero dahil nasa dulong upuan kami ng bus, pinapilit niyang pauupuin at nakipag-change seat pa talaga sa akin. Syempre tahat night, tinipid ko talaga siya sa salita. HAHAHA Ramdam ko rin yung takot nya pagbaba ng bus. Akala niya galit ako. :3

Well, marami din naman akong natutuhan. Gaya nung after ko siyang i-chat isang umaga eh sinalubong nya ko ng init ng ulo. Edi na-badtrip din ako. Pero matapos ang mga sampung cycles ng breathe in-breath out, medyo nahimasmasan na ako, HAHAHA Nag-google nalang ako ng "cat photos" tsaka "fat kittens" tapos sinend ko sa kanya kasi favorite nya mga pusa.

Marami pa akong pwedeng ikwento gaya nung pamaypay niya, yung pagsali-sali nya ng mga pageant na nag-fansign pa ko HAHAHA, yung annual report, yung first time namin mag-holding hands, etc. pero ano pa nga bang point?

Kaya kapag may nagtatanong, isa lang ang sinasabi ko: Wala lang.