#extradirty
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Cosimo Galluzzi
ellievsbear
todays bird
Discoholic 🪩
Claire Keane
Sweet Seals For You, Always
Jules of Nature
NASA
One Nice Bug Per Day
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
Love Begins
🪼
hello vonnie
Kiana Khansmith
Three Goblin Art
we're not kids anymore.
AnasAbdin
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seen from China
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@unesongeuse
Thought I would give this a try again for myself. A lot has changed. I got what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted. New city, heartbreak, the violence of loneliness. Healing or trying.
More time alone in the past couple of years than I ever imagined I would experience. Obsession of starting over again and again.
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One year
Spring is always uncomfortable. Winter is a blanket so the changing season is like the covers being pulled off too soon. This March marks a year since our planet changed forever. My body went through months when it was just trying to survive. I literally thought I was going to die from COVID-19 or that all the people I loved would die. So, yeah, it’s a trigger to be back at that month. I’m doing what I can to keep moving forward, but even the melting snow and sunsets feel like a mocking reminder of the trauma that hasn’t really ended for us. Death is maybe not around the corner but it’s definitely still in the shadows.
We took a walk to a new park today. Seeing new faces, new puppies, it did help. Even a half hour can feel like a new city. I just feel sad. I am a new person and in some ways, I’m not mourning my “old life”. I was overworked and always feeling like I had to do absolutely everything on my own. I was going through the motions. I maybe still am in some ways and probably always will be. The future isn’s certain. I just cannot escape the feeling that we are still in this mess and progress hasn’t come fast enough, not for us to go shopping again (who gives a shit) but for people to just stop dying. I truly don’t care if I never go to a music festival, if I have to wear a mask in public for the rest of my life, if it means I can take a trip somewhere new or start a new job without being terrified of dying.
Today was another ordinary pandemic Sunday. We went on a walk to Petsmart for chewies. The snow was slushy. I had to wade into a snowbank for dog poop and scooped so much snow on top. We laughed really hard but I was annoyed but also laughed. I did laundry. It snowed wet snow again. Ate salad with carrots and avocado then watched a documentary on Ferguson. Going to work tomorrow. Also smoked (is that the right word?) my grandma’s little figurine. I want to re-gift it or donate it. But I feel secretly guilty, like it’s the only thing of hers that I have. And I probably won’t speak to her again before she dies.
It’s been a minute. I feel too old to be on this.
Currently, my process for taking ACTION includes a process of downloading apps and bookmarking tabs. This includes scrolling Zillow for condo listings and tagging the Northwestern Medicine fertility clinic website. I’ve started journaling again, which is something I didn’t make time for...because I actually didn’t have the goddamn time. But...pandemic!
I had really severe vertigo today and felt mild disassociation. Of course, I first think it’s COVID. But I think it was just a weird sleep issue. This week, I finished my last dental op of the past two years. I submitted another job application. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and so angry about my job. I also think I’m the kind of person who makes a lot of big decisions really quickly that have in fact been premeditated for years. So my anger is starting to boil over into actual action. I am trying to stay calm about it without being reactive.
Trauma takes so many shapes. I can cope with it most of the time. The kind I’m dealing with is complex and what is most complex to work through is a feeling of shame. Why can’t my body give me what I ask? To hope for something and then get hurt again, and then again.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Oh, and there was this moment during the Billie Eilish concert that I couldn’t capture but want to remember. On that last note in ‘Ocean Eyes’, it seemed like she slid into the note and had that moment just for herself. Nothing about it felt performative. The audience just happened to be there. So if anything, I hope that continues to be something she can return to. [tbc]
I want to write something that focuses on themes of obsession & romance & violence & patriarchy like in ‘Killing Eve’ and ‘Virgin Suicides’ and throw in a dash of the fucked up nature of pop culture.
why is this being presented as comical advice. i think it’s nice
via weheartit
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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“I’m Going Back to Minnesota Where Sadness Makes Sense"
O California, don’t you know the sun is only a god if you learn to starve for him? I’m bored with the ocean I stood at the lip of it, dressed in down, praying for snow I know, I’m strange, too much light makes me nervous at least in this land where the trees always bear green. I know something that doesn’t die can’t be beautiful. Have you ever stood on a frozen lake, California? The sun above you, the snow & stalled sea—a field of mirror all demanding to be the sun too, everything around you is light & it’s gorgeous & if you stay too long it will kill you & it’s so sad, you know? You’re the only warm thing for miles & the only thing that can’t shine.
Michigan Quarterly Review, Volume 54, Issue 3, Summer 2015” ― Danez Smith
Self-love
I love how I let my body get broken but keep going back to heal myself. I wonder if this is the closest I will get to actual heartbreak.
I love that I’m trying to be mindful about weight loss without being obsessive.
I love that I want to be a puppy parent.
I love that I will splurge on practical stuff for security (like a bike lock) but can’t find a damn pair of pajama pants that I want to splurge on.
I love that I love Chicago.
I love how much I read.
I love that I can understand why Kourtney and Kim are yelling at each other in the promo videos for the next season of KUWTK.
That moment where you follow a tweet to a blog and read about their colorectal cancer experience and convince yourself you, too, have cancer.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
In the Kitchen with Beth Kirby of Local Milk ~ via Design Sponge
You’re strong, you’re a Kelly Clarkson song, you got this.
