Que Sera Sera

Also, some preferred terms for things will change and evolve, and terms we prefer now might eventually be considered gauche or even offensive, and that doesn’t mean you were a bigot at the time for using them. It means we evolved as a society and chose new terminology to reflect that change.

A new house, a different continent–yeah, change is good. The weather here agrees with me. My couch is green, there is a big window in the dining room. It rains a lot and I’m reassured, but my strength is still taking root.

I’m at a point where the place doesn’t feel as new anymore. I’m past the phase of pressing switches and buttons, unsure which light it turns on or off. Drawers and cabinets are settling into the purpose I’ve given them. There is relief, an experience of possibilities without limits–a kind of freedom I never knew existed beyond letting go of everything I’ve ever known.

These days I keep myself nourished. My new kitchen’s bigger. I’m taking my time learning all the new words I’m picking up from the grocery store–so many new ways to taste fruit and fish. There is an innocence in the way I do not expect anything anymore. I can feel myself in the middle of changing.

Each day I take on my chores. It isn’t hard to get lost in putting up curtains and breaking down boxes. I tossed nearly all my old furniture for a reason. Nothing here reminds me of… Well, I was going to say ‘home’ but I resist the association with a place I’ve outgrown. Is that flawed of me to deny what I used to be? I’m trying to reinvent myself. If I don’t let me, who will? My wings are still wet. I am not in a position to feel like I know my way. I cannot afford to look back yet. I need time.

Change is good.

Someone who used to be in my life taught me that phrase. She feared it. She feared change but she said it anyway. I told her I like the power in change, in being the reason behind it. I didn’t mind changing. I made it happen all the time with my hands, heavy-handed. But I’m not that way anymore. Instead I just say ‘change is good’ hoping I mean it.

Maybe someday it’ll be easier to explain, or maybe I’ll reach a point when remembering the story wouldn’t matter as much. How I got here… does it matter? It isn’t a failing to say ‘never mind’ sometimes. I even put up a big mirror for once. I put it up so I can stop running from myself. I’ll let life be good. I won’t hide my shape. I’ll believe in what I’m capable of. I will fly.

I’ve stopped aiming to find a home. I cannot deny having one while fighting my own shadow. In this second I am here. Not much else matters. This house will be filled with things that remind me I’m alive. I’ll tend my garden, use place mats, revel in how soft fresh laundry feels, light candles, cry in the bathtub, realize mistakes I’ve made while shoveling snow–I bring home to it. In my heart I keep these moving snapshots, lived in and rugged. The images sing without waiting to be seen or heard–the most precious of treasures.

It is quiet. It is how I want it to be. I do not ask how I compare anymore. I wake up and I breathe. The seasons will change, I know. But in this house, there are corners I’ve begun filling with plants. I’m not alone. I’m not the only one feeling bare and blue. 

Salt of the earth: a very good or worthy person.

Gut-wrenching: making you feel very upset or worried.

Make a spectacle of yourself: to do something that makes you look stupid and attracts people’s attention.

Pass muster: be accepted as adequate or satisfactory.

Putty in someone’s hands: easily influenced by someone else, excessively willing to do what someone else wishes.

Look before you leap: carefully consider the possible consequences before taking action.

Set the wheels in motion : to do something that will cause a series of actions to start.

Off the books: without being included on official records.

A long Haul: something that takes a lot of time and energy.

An end in itself: a goal that is pursued in it’s own right to the exclusion of others.

Night owl: a person who prefers to be awake late at night.

Kick the Bucket: to die.

Alter Ego: a person’s secondary or alternative personality immediately or extremely quickly; at once.

Hiii Raffin this side !!!!!!! Hope it helps u in anyway 🙂

the progress nobody sees

feeling all of your emotions (and learning how to make peace with them + give them space)

standing up for yourself even though you lost people because of it

making time for yourself

doing better

saying no to people

letting go of people for your own sake