nobody thinks they are a bad person

@undoings continued from here.

          Adamantly:  “No. No.”

Okay, great, that came out wrong, it sounds like he’s refuting her or, like, denying her her own belief, which is awful and not something he is capable of or entitled to doing, obviously. He doesn’t think that.

          “No, uh, I mean, I mean ‘no’ as in, sorry, uh, I should, if, I can leave. If one of us is leaving, I can. You don’t have to leave. You can, you can stay.”

They are in his apartment.

He points hesitantly, suggestively to his front door with his eyebrows raised.

         “Do you want me to leave?”

Oh man, does she feel trapped in here? Did he lock the door? He can’t remember. In a panic, he throws his house keys onto the coffee table between them. To, you know, show he isn’t her keeper. He should maybe go unlock the door. But, to her, that might look like he’s actually locking it instead. What kind of walk to the door would best convey this intent? A slow saunter? A casual meandering? He thinks of his broad shoulders, his stubbly face, his pronounced brow. In no world could his natural physique and demeanor ever illicit a calmer atmosphere regardless of the action. Like, he held a baby yesterday (a boy: yes, he asked first) and it cried as soon as it touched his skin. Immediately. Didn’t even make it to his arms. It’s best he stays here. On the couch. Where he can slouch. Across from Dory. With a coffee table barrier between them. Keeping them five feet apart. His gaze hops all over her face–looking for emotion, thought–like a floundering fish flailing on a dock. 

well, now she feels bad. it’s a little unnatural for stubborn old dory to switch extremes so quickly, but he’s proved himself to be hapless a hundred times over, and she can’t stand to watch. he’s not the fun kind of train wreck, eliciting sympathy over comedy.

‘ no it’s fine, man, it’s fine. i said what i said just so it was out there, you know? i just wanted to be honest about how you sounded so you know for next time. i’m okay though, dude, i’m comfortable. i promise. ’

she forces a smile and tries her best to look friendly, even though she’s realizing she’s unsure what “looking friendly" entails past a show of teeth. has anyone ever known or have we all just thought up individual meanings in our own time? never mind, doesn’t matter, as long as the warmth in her cheeks doesn’t look too put on. it’ll take years off her life if she has to act more fine than this to convince him she really is. men, in her experience, like to test your word instead of taking it. that said, maybe she should stop trying to make assumptions about bev. he is...something else. something new, at least. not a type of person she can find a one to one comparison for. which could be for the best, as her previous judgement calls keep ending up bloodied. keith powell would agree, watching from the far corner, boring holes into the back of dory’s head. a hallucination with the conviction of someone living.

Atoms become stable by forming bonds.  Fundamental change happens rapidly and irreversibly to any terrestrial object subjected to the vacuum of space. Rifat’s return from Ganymede (alone) has lost him the ability to make or maintain the same close relationships. The same bonds.

There was a faded link with a younger niece, now the same age as his mother. His mother and sisters missing. Or hiding. And the examiners, diplomats, reporters. They come and go, they trade electrons.

Coming to the tea room would always be a tenuous exercise and a health risk if he was discovered, no matter what was encouraged and permitted by Dr Ivers*. No matter that as far as the public are concerned he’s under embassy arrest until fit for the court hearing.

He reacts to the stranger the same as he reacts to every other strange new phenomenon. Too much exposure to things not going his way and not taking it personally, no longer capable of rearranging himself, he is simply haunched and avoidant, like a willow, on edge and crackling from exposure to a new face, like a new Earth, a new time and a new atmosphere.

He watches her draw the spiral and follows it to the end. He tries his best to keep up with her quick, steady, Millennial-American-English. A sentence stumps him because he isn’t lip-reading: he hears ‘I am not the one that lives’ rather than ‘I know literally no one that lives here.’

“Who is making you say this?” He leans back, tense and hard. It’s hard to recognise anything other than murderer. “Put yourself up to it?”

‘ put myself up to what- talking to you? yes, yeah. this is all me. ’

little more than a year ago the thought of inviting herself into a stranger’s space like this would’ve made her pale. times have changed and swept up both the best and worst parts of dory, making way for a person who’s certain she could put herself up to anything with enough internal repetition. a person who could push a woman to her death for personal gain and walk away with a ghost but no guilt.

she’s not really sure what she wants out of this conversation aside from validation, which makes it hard to know what to say next. a part of her was hoping that he’d naturally entrust her with (what she imagines are) his dark secrets. sitting across from him now, watching his face try to make sense of her own, she realizes she needs to approach this more naturally. maybe the best course of action is the most normal one, an attempt to befriend. that’s kind of what she wants, anyway. someone who, on some level, understands, even if the stage their mistakes took place on are literally worlds apart. 

she leans back in her seat to free her spine from the onus of good posture, trying to sell him on her ease. it might not hurt to throw her hands up and announce “i’m not a threat,” but that borders on theatrical, playing too much into the hands of the tabloids that assumed she was one. 

name: freddie pronouns: she/they zodiac sign: scorpio taken or single: im dating a person rping the young pope 

three facts -

1. i just graduated college with a film production degree so you could say im a little bit insufferable ;^)

2. despite the fact that i have had rp blogs in some form or other for over a decade it was only about a year and a half ago that i started considering myself to be a writer. now i write screenplays which is a whole thing.

3. ive used “i play the drums” as a spare fun fact so often that it has become a running joke amongst my friends but i literally can not think of anything else besides “i played the drums” to fill this spot, so yeah. i play the drums. i think that’s hot or whatever. 

experience -

platforms used: i dont remember the exact year but over a decade ago i started writing on polyvore (the fashion blogging website) of all places

muse preferences: i love characters that lie, not just to other people but to themselves about themselves. i think it’s also fun to write disillusionment, anger, fast talkers, and protagonists who don’t wanna be protagonists. that said i never consciously seek these things out it just sort of happens. 

gender: in the grand scheme of things i have written more men than women but that also happened unconsciously. i think it probably started out as a way to confront gender without directly involving myself,

least favourite face(s): well there’s actors that i hate because they’re genuinely bad people and then there’s actors that i hate just because im petty (chloe grace moretz). pettiness doesn’t mean i wont follow a blog though....unless it’s a youtuber or something i think that is really weird and i refuse to engage. 

multi or single: single muse blogs scratch the rp itch in my brain better, just because i like keeping a streamlined “aesthetic” and collection of threads. ive had multis before and im literally about to reboot one, but i am too good at overwhelming myself with the amount of characters i add. conceptually though? as in what i prefer to interact with? it’s all the same to me, baby! i can’t believe there was ever an argument about that. 

fluff / angst / smut - 

fluff: yes

angst: yes. this is where i thrive. 

smut: not really 

plot / memes: yes yes im so bad at throwing out starters and id always rather knock heads together and come up with something that wont fizzle that we can get obsessed with / yes because i love getting little prompts

tagged by: @nezhnosts​ and @suncuts​ <3