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I don't want to kill myself but I do just want to die.

Well here we are.. it’s 3 am and it’s been nearly five years since I’ve been on this platform. The reason I’m posting here is because I know he or you won’t see. But so much has happened; moved to three different places, up and down the east coast. I went back to school to work towards becoming a transplant coordinator, moved to FL and met someone great. Over the past couple of months, things have been rocky.. I’ve been doubtful in many things. The one thing that’s been on my mind and heart that I don’t doubt is you. Even after five years, you’ve found ways to invade my life like a stubborn weed you can’t kill that grows to be an invasive vine that takes over everything. I’m laying in bed at 3 am with him sleeping by my side like every night for the past year and a half and the only thing on my mind is you. Why? I worked so hard to move on, to find freedom, happiness and no matter where I go; there you are.