Professional Snuggler

People can have such specific allergies. I met someone once who’s allergic to raw tomatoes

“Do dishes” and “take out trash” both require the use of a spell slot, vs “use phone” is a cantrip, and brother, I am a level one wizard

inherent gay need to redesign my bedroom every 3 months

Barricade the door

my 37 year old vampire girlfriend keeps telling me i simply don't understand the woes of immortality as if I didn't also own a VHS player or visit a blockbuster a few times as a kid

she keeps staring off into the distance saying those shit like "those as youthful as you know not what horrors lie in your past" even though we both know damn well she's talking about the 2008 financial crash

taylor swift invited a guy who owns and operates an ice detention center to her wedding swifties can pack it up forever now your bitch is awful

yeah i hate concentration camps because i hate women you caught me

i've never attempted to be cute in my life it comes very naturally to me ☺️ like compartmentalization for you

I think Elon Musk has done irreparable damage to the tech industry.

Elon bought twitter in late 2022, fired 75% of the employees, and 'proved' the platform could limp along under the 'wear 4 hats at once' efforts of the remaining employees, and the rest of big tech got big ideas.

There are many intersecting elements at play between the tech market downturn in late 2022 and the interest rates hikes and the reduced need for online infrastructure post-quarantine and the advent of AI. But big tech are a bunch of homework-copying lemmings and that Reddit-brained manchild kicked over the first 6,000 dominos.

We need to isolate and start selectively breeding the plastic eating bacteria so we can optimise their efficiency, and then somehow splice their DNA into the gut bacteria of an obligate carnivore, so we can put it in our cats gut biomes so they'll finally be free of having to choose between whether they want to eat plastic or whether they want to live.

god I'm such a slut for Chinese eggplant in garlic sauce *decides it’s inaccurate to refer to myself as a slut in light of my minimal sexual activity* if The Enemy discovered my ardor for Chinese eggplant in garlic sauce, they would gain a significant strategic advantage

i know the death note is supposed to be a cautionary tale but. just give it to me. it would make all of this so much easier

after a few months they would just run out of guys to make president. nobody would wanna do it they'd be like i don't want to get a heart attack no thank you

whale fall side of tumblr you understand me