The Blog of Uncommon Prayer

O Lovely One, Leslie Knope, please be with all my Galentines today and every day. Please let them remember that they are brilliant, strong, independent ladies that deserve the world. Keep them safe from unnecessary heartbreak and be with them through all the bullshit of any '-ism' they may come up against. We might be clever, beautiful musk oxes, but sometimes we need reminding. They are the Anne's to my Leslie, Donna's to my April and my ability to make it through this life would be hindered greatly without them. May we forever have dance parties celebrating each other and your wonderful influence, Great Goddess of Pawnee. 

Dear Stan Lee please, for the respectability of all the other comic book gods, let the execs in charge of this Spiderman-to-Marvel deal do the right thing and make sure to introduce Miles Morales into the MCU. Toby was great and there are a number of us with a soft spot for Andrew, but I swear to Thor, if you all drop the ball on this and do another nerdy white boy 'outcast' type... How many 'reboots' need to happen in a 10 year period? If they're going to happen, they should be distinguishable from one another. I don't care if he's in the "Marvel Ultimate" universe, make it MCU canon. All this we ask in Bendis and Pichelli's name. Amen.

So help me, Boreas, but if you don't quit this winter bullshit I will run off with Notos to some fancy equatorial destination and not look back. Clearly I am not above threats, but this 30+ inches in a month test must stop. We get it-- you're all powerful and we should cower. I can't believe you pushed me to this, but there are only so many Netflix marathons to be had. I enjoy skiing as much as the next person, but tell me--how am I supposed to get anywhere when my car looks like an indistinguishable snow dune in a snow desert and the plow has gone by yet again? That's right, I can't. So please, lay off. All this I ask in your sometimes quiet, serene and enjoyable nature. Amen.

Oh industrious 14th century monks please be with me now as I try not to break my foot kicking the paper drawers of this printer. I know that it is doing its best and that really, the fault lies with me for not sacrificing to it this week. But must it exact its revenge by jamming every second page? I need all 80 copies of this collated, folded and stapled in 14 minutes time and it is on copy 27. Grant me the patience to not rip each stuck page, but instead to gently wind the designated wheel to remove the pieces in question. Be with the both of us while we work (slowly) through this project and watch over those to come. All this I ask in your most precious wisdom. Amen.

Oh heavenly Oxford English Dictionary please magically ban the words "Deflate Gate" from the English language for, well, ever. All I'm asking is for a moratorium at least for today, but ideally for the future. For all our sakes, just please make it go away. For those of us that are about to watch this Super Bowl, please help us to put the game two weeks ago in the past and allow the Universe to mete out justice at it sees fit by karmically allowing the 'right team' to win. As each arm chair analyst attempts to provide commentary on an overblown game, stop their tongue. Encourage them to contemplate why they're talking and realize no one cares; they're saying nothing unique; and that their time would be better spent discussing just about anything else. Please, help us not to lose sight of actual issues plaguing this world while still enjoying the distraction that professional sports provide. All this we ask in your descriptive name. Amen.

Dearest Theseus, please watch over your daughter as she attempts to survey the state of volunteerism in her field. We know that volunteering has evolved greatly since you volunteered to slay the Minotaur. Please allow the project to stay in her hands and the glory of her feats not to be claimed by those that haven't done the legwork, but let her endeavors live on in her name in academia forever. Also, dear Theseus, please grant her an aide like Ariadne--everyone needs someone holding a string to lead them out of the impossible labyrinth that is bureaucracy. All this we ask in Athena's name. Amen.

Dear Thomas Edison, please grant me patience and a fair amount of surprising, innate electrical knowledge while I try to figure out why the automatic lights in the women's bathroom fail to turn off. They've been on for 48 hrs now and I've run up and down the stairs countless times turning breakers off in desperate hope that it would turn off the light. No luck yet. Could you shine a beacon on which breaker box contains the magical switch to turn off power to those switches so I can then learn how to uninstall and reinstall the sensors? It would be greatly appreciated. All this I ask in Tesla's name. Amen.