lonely

my first mistake was listening to the weeknd at 3am

its 308 am and im flirting with my next girlfriend. she dont know it yet

love dies as quickly as it came

this mother fucker really just brought me over to sit on the couch with his sister.

i wish i never would have met u

i hate you. so much. so so much

what if i just want to be loved unconditionally ?

oh dear oh my how the loneliness conquers

this city has made me unbearably lonely. lonely to the point where my only option is to move back home to where i was once just as unhappy. my friends are shit, flaky, unreliable, selfish, or they’ll judge me for the things i do. i’ve worked hard to be included and loved but i still do not belong. and it’s clear. they don’t really like me. they don’t want me around. and that’s okay because i don’t want to be around either. as a by the book extrovert, i love people, being out and about, and somehow i spend any time i’m not working in my dark room, alone, and avoiding everyone. life got a little less lonely when he came along. i felt like it was worth staying here for him. now he’s controlling and untrusting of me even though i’ve done nothing. im not sure what i’ve done to deserve this treatment. but it’s lonely. now i feel forced to separate myself from society and become even more deserted. i’ve deleted all social media where my face is. slowly going off the grid in a way. nobody really cares. even more alone. all i do is cry to myself. even on the days where i’m most tired, i cry myself to sleep. i contemplate suicide every minute of the day. and in different ways. car accident, the pills, drowning myself. i don’t know why i haven’t yet. i think im scared of what they’ll find and what’ll happen next. my poor mom would be so distraught. i’ve pushed her away and left her in the dark. its not like she’d even sympathize anyways. it wouldn’t do good. i don’t know what to do. my next step is to just go. anywhere. and never come back.