My_Names_Not_Pinkie_Pie

Everything I ever fell back on to say I’m a good person never existed.

All in my head.

it’s not real.

you can’t convince me I’m happy.

I’m not allowed to be happy, and I don’t think you should tell me I am.

don’t you know I’m a waste of a life

because everything good is going to end eventually

whether it be natural causes or you finish it off yourself. the second option is far more painful. Don’t do that.

life is temporary so what’s the point.

I mean... I’ve been betrayed by everyone.

From my girl best friend telling me I made her want to kill herself to never having a true friend who didn’t abandon me in the end.

I’ve been used twice by the same guy,

I’m not free.

I have no experience with life.

I’m going to die out there, I don’t know when or how but I know I will.

Fuck turning 18.

I’m going to fail everything.

I’ll never get married.

I’ll never graduate college.

I’ll never have children.

I haven’t been active at all, mainly because I got an instagram.

But I saw twenty one pilots for the first time ever on the 28th, and I’ve never been so happy. 

Although, of course my mom had to come and make me upset about little things like I didn’t go to sleep early after the show or some other bullshit she could find

So that state of mind is slowly leaving and now I am getting sick just looking at their faces and I wholeheartedly blame her, she’s always been like this, I can never be happy about ANYTHING without her taking me down a thousand pegs telling me I’m idolizing the thing I’m happy about and telling me how selfish I am. I’m sorry, it’s not like Earth is literally shit hole right now, I’d rather stay in that mindset of after my show than have to deal with reality less than 12 hours after my concert ended. I have to pretend that I hate my job because every time I show that I like it she wants me to quit or complains about EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT IT 

kicker- when I told her I wanted to quit because of my shitty pay she yelled at me: “YOU’LL NEVER FIND ANYONE LIKE YOUR BOSS DON’T BE STUPID” so yeah.

on our three hour trip home two of those hours consisted of her screaming at me about how I idolize things and shit.

must I say she’s extremely religious? I love God, and I put Him before anything else but for fricks sake (I don’t use f word in a sentence about God lol)

can she just chill?

I am so so so so so so sick of it.

AND at one point the day before I had to be AT the location, she starts telling me I can’t go, she won’t take me, even though I’m the one who spent $200+ on these fucking tickets.

when I told her about how a guy shouted “I will” when “stay alive for me” in Truce came on at the show, she FLIPPED HER SHIT saying “WHY STAY ALIVE FOR ONE MAN WHO DOESN’T EVEN KNOW YOU HE’S GOING TO GO TO THIRTY MORE PLACES AND SAY THAT SAME THING”

I start fuming I say “HE PROBABLY JUST SAVED LIVES AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE” 

Ooooh she gets mad now, starts getting all defensive “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME HAVE I DONE ANYTHING WRONG?! WAS IT ME THAT STARTED THIS?!”

YES MOM YOU FUCKING STARTED IT AT 9 THIS MORNING AND DIDN’T FUCKING END IT UNTIL I MADE YOU AT 7 THIS EVENING I AM DONE

from this point on, after my birthday (oh so glorious 18 number) I am packing my shit and I am out. I don’t give a shit where I go I’m done. IMAGINE if she found out I am pansexual my ass would be BURNED LIKE A FREAKING TORCH

DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE THIS ISSUE?! IS IT ME?!

I AM ABSOLUTELY PISSED that she is trying (AND ALMOST SUCCEEDING) to ruin my only source of joy, where I KNOW other people understand and I KNOW there are people like me.

But nope I’m just a selfish bitch who only wanted to enjoy a nice break in between depression and anxiety attacks.

Premise: You grew up with Tony Stark as your father figure, and soon got to know the avengers, but are especially close to Bruce Banner

(this sucks I’m sorry but I’m getting back in the flow, bare with me as I’m getting used to writing about smoot)

Warnings: nightmares, fighting, lotza fluff but implied smoot

don’t make fun of me for how I say smoot, or I’ll quote End Game

You wandered the corridors of Stark Tower, trying to navigate your way to the only place you felt at most comfort, Tony’s workshop. Maybe it was the silence away from the avengers, or the fact that Bruce always let you sleep under the table on a little blanket he laid out for you. But all you knew was it was bliss.

Years ago, Tony Stark found you outside the tower, covered in a newspaper for warmth, you saw his darkest moments, from when he returned from wherever he disappeared to, to the day he became the amazing Iron Man. The man was your father, he raised you from age 10, until now. You watched him grow in to maturity, but he still faltered, making a decision to build an AI that was too smart, smarter than Jarvis and Tony combined. You knew it was a bad idea but you stayed quiet and enjoyed the company of Bruce’s legs as you napped. At least, you wished you were there, instead, you were sitting around the kitchen with everyone, including Tony’s newest recruit, Spider Man. You had been captured by Natasha and dragged to the group during your walk. You never got to know Spider Man but it was nice to see him thriving. They were all arguing about something, but you didn’t pay attention and instead excused yourself to go to bed. You looked at Tony for a goodnight, but he said nothing. Not a glance your way, it seemed he was infatuated with this new spider kid. You didn’t care, however. You had your run. Or at least, you thought you didn’t care.

That night, you shot up from your sleep with a shriek, and soon you were running down the halls, shouting at Jarvis “Take me to Bruce!” 

Jarvis told you where to turn in every hall, until finally you were in the workshop. You crawled under the table and hugged Bruce’s leg tightly. “Whoa, Y/N, what happened?” He said, pushing his chair back so he could look at you. All he saw were the tears in your eyes, so he picked you up by the waist and brought you on to his lap to let you cry in his chest. “Hey, angel, it’s okay, I’ve got you.”

“Bruce, you won’t forget about me, will you?” You asked suddenly. Bruce’s heart dropped. Somehow he knew that was the reason you were so silent earlier that day, you thought everyone stopped caring. “Angel, I’d never forget about you... To be honest, I love you.”

Your cries immediately stopped with a squeak, and you sat straight up. “Y-you... what?” You said, wiggling your finger in your ear to get a better listen this time. “Y/N, I love you.” He said loudly. Panic raced through your veins past the shock as it echoed through the halls. “B-Bruce! Tony could hear!” Bruce smirked. “Let him then.” You grinned, hugging around his neck. “I love you, too. You’re... the reason I’m alive.” 

That was all Bruce needed before he smashed his lips against yours, bringing his fingers up your back to run them through your hair, letting you melt against him. Bruce bit your lip gently, causing you to flinch, but you didn’t stop, letting him leave a trail of kisses down your neck, which he bit gently before moving on, You were new to this, you’d never had someone show so much affection to you before, it was almost intoxicating.

VioletsEmoEdits!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfJn0NyTc2Q

Me: hey... it's been a while. I don't know if you're still here, or if you even care anymore, but why do I try to keep going? I've lost nearly everyone who I held close, and now I'm at war with my own heart. Every night I feel cold, but when I cover up, I grow hot, almost like a fever, I am losing in a battle between my heart and my mind, and I don't know if this is my final day in the light house or not. I'm tired, I'm so tired. I'm tired of being used for everyone's amusement, I'm tired of being the root of every joke, I'm tired of not being taken serious, I'm tired of being treated like a child when I'm about to go in to college, I told my last friend, "I'm tired of being a doormat labeled, "Please, walk all over me and shatter my feelings"

What will I do, when I no longer can turn to music?

When my lights finally fade, and my final days of happiness come to an end, because in the end, I drive everyone away, there's no hope, no light, nothing. There's just the darkness, and me. When your best friend, who was like a sister, tells you, that you made her suicidal, and that she wanted to harm herself after a fun, happy day at the lake a few blocks down, you begin to wonder what you did wrong, but eventually you come to the conclusion, that you're gullible, a pushover, and an easy target to people who want to break you down. I never did anything to deserve this, I miss the old days, where I could run here and feel comfort.

I don't know if you're here, but please, don't leave me too.

(a long silence before suddenly, the spotlights click on loudly, one by one, they returned.)

Josh: I'm... so sorry

Tyler: please don't leave again.

Kellin: we love you kid

Andy: we're always there, it may not feel like there's anyone on your side, but that's why we do what we do. To protect kids like you from yourselves.

Gerard: yeah and frankly, life is shit so everyone needs a good Japanese disco party here and there.

(two new spotlights flashed on in the distance, revealing her new lights.)

Billie: sup bitches I'm here on behalf of Maelee, yes hi, oh wow Josh, you're here too? Izza party!

(everyone turned to look behind Billie, looking for the new light.)

Gerard: well someone doesn't belong here

Harry: help I'm surrounded by the people my mum warned me about!

Me, finally breathing: we may be few, but we're proud, and we're emotional. I'll sing it for the boys, girls, and non binary friends, In the end, we're a family. And we're not afraid to die. They say love is forever, but my lights are all I need. When I fall asleep, I'll know where I go, and I can't say I'll ever stop crying, whether its the sign of the times, or a puppy shelter commercial, thank you, all of you.

This is actually really hard for me to write now, it's painful, but I am going to get back in the habit of writing these, it helped so much for my anxiety last time, thanks guys, and I'm going to put tags so everyone else knows you're not alone, because, Gerard loves you, Andy loves you, Kellin loves you, Tyler and Josh love themselves but they also love you, Billie would take a bullet for you if it came down to it, and Harry? Well whether you like Mr. Styles or not, he loves you, but if that didn't help, I love you, so please, please please don't let the darkness take over your heart, do what I did, or something your own way, create a happy place, and breathe your life in to it, because believe me, it's amazing.

love always, Mae

My best friend called me a terrible person, toxic, and told my youth pastor that I made her suicidal, so we are no longer talking but she keeps asking to follow my instagram which is private for a reason, and liking all my posts on facebook, I’m confused, hurt and done.

So now I have no one, I’m all alone in my little world I thought I was safe in. I have one friend who knows everything about me and I know he’d never leave me for anything, mostly because we grew up together and he’s stuck with me. 

I don’t know what to do, I’m scared, and in a whole new place in my life with no one to guide me through,

I’m sort of back to normal.

Sort of. I have no idea what’s happening with my life but all I know is I was lied to by the closest people to me.

My best friend is ganging against me, saying I’m terrible at giving advice when she needs it.

How can I give advice to someone when I’m so screwed up?

The guy I was supposedly going to date? He moved to Missouri without a warning. He turned 18, said he was going to work for his cousins to get a truck, then his sister said he’s not coming back.

Who would confess their feelings for a person and move away?

I’m ending my run of love. 

I hate literally every man on Earth and I give one man my trust, for one month, and he stamps it in to the floor on Thanksgiving Day, not even talking to me, and then he stops just being himself in general.

My friend warned him about my trust issues, and just like everyone in the past, they didn’t listen.

I’m through, I am done, I am fucking done.

I know I sound dramatic, but there’s so much more to me than I put on this stupid tumblr. 

Why am I even still here?

Everyone is breaking me.

I thought being homeschooled was supposed to keep you from being bullied?

I thought going to church would give you loving family friends?

I didn’t know church was a playground for heartbreak. I thought it was where I could go to celebrate my faith in Jesus and to grow closer to Him, not be in a circle of drama with a bunch of 15 year olds!

I’m going to be fucking 18 this year. I’m done with fake friends. I’m done with this ignorant planet we call Earth. God said all who didn’t believe in Him would go to Hell, well guess what?

We need to change the Earth’s name to Hell because we’ve created it.

With sexists,

racists,

homophobics,

murder,

rape, 

terrorist attacks,

the internet in general,

sexual immorality and hatred. 

I’m not being biblical about all of this, everyone, we turned the world in to Hell, and you don’t know this but it’s affecting literally everyone, silently killing their minds, trying to take people’s faith away, like it is for me. 

I just hate the world and if anyone calls me worldly ever in my life I might come unglued because I can not freaking wait until I’m able to die and go straight to Him in tears of joy because I know I won’t have to live in fear of being grabbed while I’m shopping, or raped while I’m alone with someone in an elevator, shot at a concert, bombed at an airport, sexualized by men, and hurt by ‘friends’ who don’t give two gerard way butt cheeks about your feelings.

Start your 2019 with not expecting, or getting your hopes up, as I did.

I tell you, think of the worst, but enjoy the best.

Because if you don’t, and you think “I see myself together with this person. I don’t think they have a bad bone in their body” 

I can bet you’ll end up thrice as heartbroken than if you weren’t expecting good things. I hate myself, and everyone.