shoujo commando gofuckyourself

part of the reason why i've avoided tumblr so long is because it's always felt like a place a more innocent, socialized and accepted version of myself would've felt at home. in my tweens it was looking like i could maybe be a weirdo but peaceably, without the abuse of ages 7-10. maybe the rough patch was over.

i didn't end up here in that time, hadn't heard of the place, barely had a computer. by the time i was really online i was a teenager and ready to die. the joy of the tumult of a chain of false diagnoses and brutal hospitalizations ending gave way to the dread realization that this was life forever- solitude, joylessness, isolation, alienation, and the lobotomy drugs that if i ever refused i was sure would see me raped again. when i finally rebelled it was off to the camps.

but in that window of time, that tweenage lull, i can see some spark of hope and joy, transient and brief, bound up in memories of bionicles and repressed jealousy of the emo girls who still existed in those days. i had a soul once.

every time i experience tumblr first or secondhand i am forced to confront the fact that that joyous spark was a fucking imbecile rich kid in the making, the sort of save the whales girlie i rag on endlessly for their subconscious fascism and petty bourgeois insularity. i'm a decent and upstanding friend of the people because i was tortured into it.

i don't want to defend my abusers. frankly i think they should have their hearts ripped out atop Chichen Itza. it just doesn't make much sense to abuse a child because they might grow up to be a conformist otherwise. i wouldn't wish it on the conformists here.