44ThirdTomb4

Bro I actually feel soooo empty without my twin sister. Earlier she was like at some point we probably won’t even live in the same state and that made me sad because I struggle being happy without her. She’s the only person I feel like I can be my true self around. She’s the only person that truly knows who I am and I’ve always felt alone and empty without her. The time I moved to the city and she didn’t come with me, I wasn’t myself. I didn’t laugh as much as I’d used to. I had nobody to talk to, nobody that understood me. She always understands because we’re always gonna be the same age, going through the same things.

I remember when my diet consisted of a medium iced caramel macchiato and I’d drink it even tho I’m lactose intolerant. It’d make me sh*t so then my stomach would feel so empty. Then I’d wait until I got home and my mom got home. It would be around 6 PM when I’d eat dinner and then I’d repeat that the next day. I was so skinny. And the worst part is that I miss it. I miss looking like that even tho I achieved it by being unhealthy-treating my body like shit.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I just have this internal battle going on and I don’t even know what it’s about. Just my existence I suppose. And what I’m gonna do with myself.

I feel so edgy lately. I just…who am I really? Cuz sometimes I wanna be like a character in a movie, but life’s not really like that. We don’t have scripts, nothing is planned. That makes me uneasy. It would be easier if I just had lines to rehearse and let the story unfold to a random audience.

One day I just became hyper-aware of myself and realized I have no fucking clue who I even am. Sometimes I just start acting like someone close to me because it’s easier. And I’m not saying their life is easier than mine; I’m saying it’s easy because I know who they are so it’d be easy for me to be them. But I don’t know who I am so it’s hard to be me.

I keep crying when I’m home so I’ve been going out a lot. I need to get used to being home again tho. It’s getting sad.

I went swimming with my friends family today. It was fun with her. But the pool we went to sucks. It’s a kids pool so we aren’t allowed to do anything. I like the lake better, believe it or not. Because we’re free there😍.!!

I cried so hard last night. I went to sleep at 6 AM and woke up at 12 PM. I’m really tired tho. I’m going to the lake with my sisters today. I hope it’s fun even tho I’m tired as fuck and I haven’t had an energy drink because they’re gone loll. Also I’m on my period and my flow is so heavy and it hurts so goddamn bad. My periods have been the worst and I’m literally going to the doctors for it next month. Anyways I’m at my sisters now and she has energy drinks so😛. I’m up yall down am I right?😃😃

I want a girl to be hopelessly in love with me like how I am with some guys. I just want a girl to love me the way I love some guys. Is that weird? I dunno I’m just gender fluid ig. I’ve felt that way since I was 14.

At the store today I saw this pretty ass girl I’m talking movie star gorgeous like she didn’t even seem like an average person out in public like where were the cameras she’s too pretty to be out here alone like this. But anyways, I was grabbing this vanilla coffee drink and she was directly behind me and she grabbed the last one so lemme get this straight (gay😛), there were only 2 vanilla coffees left and we both grabbed them😍😍. How romantic I’m jp but anyways she kept looking at me after that and I couldn’t even look at her I almost fucking melted like she was so pretty that it made me wanna disappear like it actually made me feel so like…I DUNNO LIKE INSECURE LIKE I’M SORRY I WANNA BE ABLE TO HANDLE YOU BUT I CAN’T LMFAOOOO I DONT GOT IT LIKE THAT I HAVE AWKWARD RIZZ😭😭😭.

I HAD A DREAM ABOUT THIS GUY I USED TO LIKE SOOOOO BAD😭😭😭. Last time I saw him was the very beginning of junior year. WOW. Good times. Anyways, the dream started off with me sitting by this girl at my old school. She was a country girl, dressed like a hic and she acted kinda gay (my gaydar definitely went off). But anyways, I’m gonna use ex crush’s initial; K. So I was showing the girl (who was apparently my good friend in the dream) my sister’s digital camera she just got (she let me have it for the day). Then I was like “You don’t know that trend with the digital camera?” And the girl was like nah then we heard this dude behind her say “What trend?” So we both turned to look and there was a small guy, a big guy, and K?!?!?! K and I locked eyes I MISS THEM EYES LOWKEY. I was like “the digital camera trend?” Then the big guy took the camera and I was like wtf so I stood up and he tossed it to his other friends. They played catch with it for a second then the girl stood up and threw me over her shoulder. I was like wth😭. Then she started running and K finally caught up and cornered us he was like “Put her down. Put her down!” With a lil grin and the girl started running again and I was just giggling as K was chasing us. Then these teachers came and told us to get to class so she set me down, the guys gave me back the camera and I don’t remember what else. I probably woke up at that point.