Blog for a Nervous Seamster

Dear Diary,

Isamu’s dead and it’s my fault. I punched the machine last night cause I got mad at it and burned my hand and her hands were burned too and now we’re both going to die. No, I’m not going to die, the machine killed her, not me. I mean, there’s gotta be loopholes, right? There’s always loopholes! I’m not gonna die, I can’t die, not now! She touched the machine, so either it killed her or she killed herself. No one else is going to die, it’s going to be okay.

Still, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I need to find someone to give Nyanko to. In the event that I do die I don’t want Haruhi finding her and I don’t want her going down with me, same as everyone else. If I live, I just take her back. If not- she has a new owner.

God I’m so stupid, I’m so stupid. But it’s going to be okay. Isamu killed herself. It’s my fault but I didn’t kill her. No one else is going to die. We’re going to be okay. I can fix this. It’s going to be okay.

Dear Diary,

I can’t do this anymore. It’s only been two days and I’ve already said too much. I’ve got to stop this now before everyone knows about Hana, because my dumb ass isn’t going to be able to keep my mouth shut and I damn sure don’t trust my luck with the way things have been going. I’m so used to trusting my tongue that I just can’t stop rattling even when I know it could turn on me. I’m gonna check out the machine tonight and see if there’s anyway to shut it down. I know I’m not the only one who’ll be happy if I succeed, so wish me luck.

Dear Diary,

I’m scared. Mono-chan brought out the new motive and it’s this- machine. It makes this mist that makes you tell the truth at random, and I think you can already tell where this is going. I’m so freaking paranoid right now, especially since I can’t help myself to cover my mouth every time I let something slip that I didn’t want to say. At least I’ve only spilled with Robyn so far, and I know I can trust her but- god, I can’t let anyone know about Hana. If they find out about Hana, if that gets out I’m dead. If I play my cards right I can recover from punching shits one and two, but there is no going back from Hana. Maybe I can manage to keep my mouth shut until the motive’s over?

Dear Diary,

The party was a fucking disaster. Everything looked to be going really well, and I let myself get excited but then, no, Mariko has to fuck it up for everybody because god forbid other people actually have nice things and try to forget about the fact that we’re all stuck in this hellhole. No, she just had to ruin Nori’s hard work, and disrespect Ryo, and pin it on Arisa, and I punched her! I snapped again and I punched her! I ran off like the little coward I am and I know Nori was disappointed in me, everyone was, I am. But- Robyn came around, and we talked, and I realized I’d gone and made this all about me again, like I always do. I’m so self centered, god. But I’m glad she came. I love talking to her, I feel relaxed around her, like I used to feel around Hana. Like I can say anything and know its safe to do so. I’m not going to say everything of course, but- god I haven’t felt like that in a long time. Oh, and I think I know why she is the way she is too- she’s a mom! Yeah, I never would have believed it, but she is, and I know she’s doing a great job. I hope her kid’s in good hands with her family. Oh well, all the more reason for us to all get out of here alive.

Dear Diary, I finally snapped. I punched Haruhi in the face, the chin. I wanted to, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that I knew that I really, really shouldn’t have. God I made such a scene too. I can’t believe I’ve gone and started doing shit like this again. Why am I doing shit like this again? Haruhi’s going to have my entire reputation for this, I know it. This isn’t the worst thing I’ve done but by god it is one of the stupidest. Thank god for Robyn and Nori helping to calm me down, but at the same time I’m so worried about them now. I know they know about my anger already but now they know what it’s really like and I’m so afraid of hurting them. I finally have actual friends again and I don’t want to fuck that up for a second time.

So Mariko, you want me to share my true thoughts about everyone? Huh? You really do? Well strap in bitch, cause we’re gonna be here a while!

Let’s start with you. I knew, from the very first moment you called me useless, that I was going to hate you. You’re a manipulative, self-serving, I’d dare to say psychopath who’s a huge fucking hypocrite to boot. You love stirring up drama, but when the heat’s on you suddenly it’s not so fun anymore. You like feeling like you’re on top, like you’ve got everyone figured out and that you know just how to break them. It’s because you feel powerless otherwise, isn’t it? You’re small. Probably weak. You need to assert your dominance because otherwise you think you’re going to get trampled on. I know how it is. Still, take care of that doll, okay? I feel like- maybe there’s still hope for you. Not all bullies become raging assholes when they grow up.

Haruhi Nosaka, you’re a prick. I know your head’s so far up your ass that you can’t hear all the people calling you out for being one, but you are a prick. You’re a lot like Mariko, you know? You need to feel like you’re on top, that everyone’s under your foot, that you’re the one pulling the strings. It’s because you’re insecure, isn’t it? Don’t think I’m dumb enough to believe your eyepatch is just a fashion accessory, though they were popular last season. You’re probably ashamed about whatever’s hiding under there, right? And just like the family crest you’ve pasted on your eyepatch, you hide behind your family, wealth, and status to feel less like a complete shitshow over it. God, no wonder you’re so pretentious. You need someone easy to push down so you can pull yourself up. It feels good, doesn’t it?

Isamu, what do I even say about you? You’re a bully who values winning and athletics over actually being a decent human being. Maybe if you stop treating everyone like shit over not exercising enough or whatever, you’d actually have friends and wouldn’t have to be superficially happy? You won both times we fought, and I can’t say if you deserved to or not. I’m an asshole when I’m pissed, but that doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole to begin with.

Robyn next I guess. I- like you. You’re a good person, you know that? I feel like you just want to take care of people, and that’s a good trait for a doctor to have. Sure, you’re brash, abrasive, and cuss a lot more than I’d like, then again I wish I could cuss more. You give people sympathy but you tell them how to do better at the same time. Thank you for that.

Nori- you can be kind of annoying? Like, you’re a bit too physical for comfort sometimes, and it can be really hard to talk about more personal stuff with you. I like you, but everything just feels superficial...is that mine or your fault? Regardless, you’re a great gossip, I love talking shit about people with you in between bouts of normal conversation. Oh, and I’m sorry I cry so damn much. It’s my fault, not yours. Though the new scar on my hand totally was your fault, I just told you it was okay because I hate making you upset.

Hyosuke- why do I feel so awkward around you? I think it’s because you’re so closed off. We’re both closed off, not letting people in all the time. I wish I could open up more, but I’m just so afraid of hurting people or getting hurt...do you feel similarly to that? Regardless, I do think there are people here who’d be willing to like you if you let them in, so if you can, open up some more instead of hiding under all those layers of clothing. Seriously, are you that cold all the time? Why do you wear so many coats?

Arisa and Emi- I wish I had more to say about you guys, I really do, but I don’t. You’re both nice, good people, and Arisa thank you for the scissors. Emi, please take care of your son, and don’t let the people smack talking you keep you from loving him. And Arisa, I’m so sorry about Ryo and I’m glad you liked the memorial. I want to get to know each of you better.

Saori- I trusted you and you shattered that trust into a million pieces. Are you that fucking stupid? Do you really think that just because I told you about my anger issues it gives you the right to tell other people that I should beat Haruhi up? Insensitive bitch. Then again, maybe it’s my fault for giving away such sensitive information to someone I just met because we both agreed Haruhi is an asshole. I think most people here agree they’re an asshole anyway.

Mom- I’m sorry.

My clients- I’ve gone on about them before, but to recap for the new journal, I hate them. I hate their stuck-up attitudes, their entitlement, the way they treat everyone like crap out of ignorance or just plain assholeishness. I hate the fact that I constantly have to hide everything, because if I don’t they’ll destroy me. I hate the reason they like me so much. I hate how they think I’m so sweet, and how they use that to stroke their own egos about how great they are for buying my dresses when they’re working me to the bone.

No- no, I don’t hate what they think of me. I admit, I love being pitied. To be pushed around and kicked and beaten for being poor, a kid with a single mom, weak, girly, stuttering so much I could barely talk, to be treated like that for all those reasons my whole life and then have it all turn around because I’m useful? That’s what I hate. I bet that’s the reason I’m so pity hungry, first time in the spotlight and suddenly I’m being fawned over. It’s fucking fantastic. It’s led to my worst decisions and yet I can’t stop. It’s so good I can’t stop clawing after it, even when I know I don’t deserve it. I’m a monster, an actual fucking monster, one who can’t control his emotions and destroys his only friendship because god forbid he doesn’t get his pity fix, god forbid he doesn’t shut up and let her be happy even when he’s doing most of the work, but she has to get the credit because she’s the designer and THATS HOW IT WORKS YOU HUMAN TRASH NOW GET BACK IN LINE AND SHUT UP!

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this is bringing out a lot of emotion I’m sorry I’m so sorry why can’t I stop apologizing they’re useless I’m useless god why the fuck am i pity mongering to a journal im the real shitshow. Okay, I’ve waited too long to finally get to this part but, Hana. I miss you. I’m never going to stop missing you. I wish you’d noticed what was happening, or that I actually grew a nerve and a few brain cells and fucking told you, but I just wanted you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted was to keep you smiling. I thought, in all my idiotic wisdom that if I took credit every now and then we could both be happy, I could keep you happy, but I went too far and now neither of us are happy. I’m such a fucking dumbass. You told me friends don’t hurt friends and even though we were seven and stupid I wanted to keep believing that a decade later but now I can’t. I can’t because I fucked up, and you’re the one person I’m never going to get pity from again. I can’t say I don’t blame you, but I can’t say I don’t still hope you’ll come back someday, that we could be friends again. I want to tell the world what happened but I can’t, not while Mom’s still alive, she needs me. Hell I don’t even know if I’ll be brave enough to do it when she’s dead, but I want to. I want it to all come crashing down because you fucking deserve to see me fall, and I’m going to Hell anyway so I might as well prepare myself. 

Dear Diary,

You know how I said that I hoped things would get better? Yeah, once again I’ve learned that hope is a fool’s form of comfort. I have a new bully now and god do I hate her.

Her name is Isamu and she hates me. Like, right off the bat, hates me. Why? Because, according to her, sewing is a worthless ‘grandma talent’. Are you kidding me?! Sure, being a gymnast or whatever has you moving around a lot more, but this bitch has clearly never sewn a single stitch in her entire life. It wears down on you! God, do I even need to get into all the sleepless nights, the hours upon hours I’ve spent threading and stitching, cutting every piece of pattern to be perfect, straining my eyes on the tiniest of details, throwing out my back and shoulders working all day, letting my wrists grow sore with the motion, and having to rush so much to let my hands become the fucked up, ugly scarred messes they are today? How ignorant does one person have to

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I had to stop again, I got too riled up. In fact, I’m calling her the bully and I’ve already gone off on her twice. First time in the gut, second time I threw her in the pool. Yeah, I know that was stupid, but at least she was wearing a swimsuit. Both times she got me back for it, rightfully so. God I have no self control. In fact I just dried off from her yanking me into the pool with her as payback. Oh, and she stole my hat. Yeah, the one with the pins. I’m such a dumbass. Why do I let myself get angry? I wish I could just be numb. Not get so damn emotional about everything. Hell, even just not having anger would solve most if not all my problems. I wouldn’t be pinless, I wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t have made the biggest mistake of my life. I’d be happy, actually fucking happy, for once since this whole mess led me down a downward spiral into becoming the fucked-up person I really am. Maybe that’s why I crave pity so much. Maybe I just want to feel like people like this horrible monster and not just the mask he wears. 

I still want the pins back.

Dear Diary,

This may be the most emotionally confusing two days of my life.

I went to the gacha and got a new doll, a cat. She’s- not very pretty, but she’s super soft and perfect for hugs. I think she’s kinda ugly cute, in a way. I’ve decided to name her Nyanko, and you better believe I’m keeping her in my sights at all times now. I finally got something to cry to and I’m not losing her anytime soon.

Anyway, before I take my sleeping pills I might as well rattle off what else happened today. First thing is that Ryo and- Them are somehow in the painting in the lobby. I’m slowly becoming more and more convinced that we’ve all been trapped in a horror movie somehow. Haruhi’s still a prying pain in the ass, they know about my family situation now. God if I never have to say the words ‘I don’t know who my dad is’ again I’ll die happy. The asshole who helped spawn me can go to hell and burn there. Also, Nori told me forever ago that Mariko tore his hat up, so now that I’ve got thread I helped him fix it. He seemed really happy with it, even though it looks super tacky and hodge-podged with the black thread. I am glad he liked it though. Reminds me of the old days when I’d just do things for people. Oh! And he wants to hold a party in the future! Okay, that was more my idea, but he did offer to make a cake and him seemed really excited about the idea, so hopefully it all works out!

Anyway, I have to sleep now. Here’s hoping things get better and nobody else dies.

Dear Diary,

Sora killed Ryo. I don’t even know if Sora really even is Sora, and I don’t even know if I care. Why am I getting so worked up about them lying? I lie all the fucking time, lying is my life, why am I such a hypocrite? Why should I fucking expect everyone else to be honest with me when I’m never fucking honest with anyone?!

I’m sorry, I had to sit on that for a while before continuing. I just- I thought I could trust them. But it’s like Robyn said, you have to be careful who you trust. I guess I just crave it so much I forgot to look before I leap like I do with freaking everything.

Oh my god I just now realized I never told you about Robyn. I met her on the roof a few days ago and she’s probably the sanest person here. Not day one into meeting me and she tells me how to help with my fear of heights and gives me a lollipop. I already knew I liked her, but after this fucking disaster show I think she’s finally my friend now. After Sora died I got sick and cussed and she was right outside the bathroom door but didn’t judge me. In fact she gave me sleeping pills and a thread and needle. God I needed those, all of those. Everything’s been so stressful as of late and sleep and numbness have been so hard to find. Also she gives good hugs. Yeah, she’s a friend for sure.

A lot of other stuff happened, but I’ll talk about that later. Think I’m gonna go for a walk and clear my head a bit.

oh god oh god oh god ryo is dead. ryo is fucking dead and i fucking found his body. i fucking found his body lying there at the bottom of the pool and all i could fucking do was scream. i just SCREAMED bloody murder until everyone else showed up and then I ran away. he had that dead fucking look in his eyes like he didn’t fucking care. oh god oh god why does this keep happening. im not allowed to have friends all of them just get hurt. i hurt all my friends because im stupid and selfish and crave pity like a junkie god im a fucking disaster why do i keep letting this happen im sorry ryo im sorry hana im so fucking sorry

I’m an idiot. I’m such a fucking imbecile. Why do I keep trusting the wrong people? Am I that fucking desperate for validation? I’m just willing to trust anyone with a stuffed animal or a shared opinion? I never should have trusted them, I hate all of them, all of them! Mariko is so fucking lucky I could fix her little mess. Why the fuck did I let her in? Why do I let anybody in?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Dear Diary,

Something weird happened last night. Mono-chan (the doll thing) gathered us in the theater for a- “sleepover”. She said it would grant us all protection from being murdered, so, of course I went. As much as I want to die sometimes I can’t afford to do so. I have too much riding on me. Anyway, we all gathered there, and there was this- really sad movie about a mermaid. She thought she wanted something so badly, only for it to turn sour, and she lost what was most precious to her in that vain attempt. Sounds a lot like me, doesn’t it? Yeah, I started crying like a baby, even though it was, as usual, undeserved. We were both idiots.

Mono-chan made us go to bed after that, and I wasn’t really expecting to have pleasant dreams that night. I mean God, I’ve seen myself hurting Hana over and over and over again on some of my worst nights, to the point where I figure it should’ve lost its impact, but Moving on, my dreams that night had nothing to do with that. It was- a body, outside the first aid booth. I have no idea who it was, I just remember that it looked pretty fucked up. But what made it scary was the fact that everyone seemed to have the exact same dream last night. Yeah, you heard me. The exact same dream. As if this place couldn’t get any creepier...

Dear Diary,

First of all I would like to start by saying that Haruhi Nosaka is a huge asshole and I hope they get what’s coming to them.

Okay, to make a long story short, yesterday I tried to correct their assertion they’d made about my mom, and it seemed to work...until they dragged me down even further than before. I swear if I didn’t have a smidgen of self control left by the end of it I would have socked them right in their pretentious, smug face. Unfortunately, I did end up pounding on a table, so now my hand is all fucked up. At least Ryo managed to show up so I could get some sympathy in exchange for my idiotic rage fest. God Ryo is such a good kid. I think I’m right in calling him a friend, even if I don’t know entirely what that means for me yet. Someone to coddle me when I feel like shit? Maybe.

Lucky for my dumb ass, they finally let us out of the hotel today, with a first aid station as one of the new places of interest, so my hand’s actually wrapped in bandages now and not my personal rag collection. Knowing my stupid healing rate, though, this is probably gonna stay bruised for the next couple of weeks. Here’s hoping it can clear up a bit faster. My hands are already a mess bar the injuries…

Dear Diary,

Things have been slow right now, so I figured I’d write in you some to pass the time.

I met a few new people recently. First is Hyosuke, ice sculptor. He seems pretty closed off, and the second time we talked was pretty awkward, but he seems to share a lot of my sentiments on how fucking insane rich people are. I’ll make a note to come to him whenever I feel like complaining about those assholes again.

Then there’s Mariko...I don’t like her very much.

Also, you know that kid I pawned the fertilizer off on? Well, their name is Sora, and they’re actually alright! They’re a huge flirt it seems, which is pretty overwhelming, especially for someone like me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking gorgeous, but when people tell me I’m gorgeous it’s weird cause- I mean, I love it, but if I look like I’m loving it too much then people start making assumptions and- ugh, I fucking hate society. Why is liking your looks such a crime when the world only loves the beautiful? People are hypocrites, that’s what it is.

Anyway, I hope we get out of this stupid hotel soon. It’s been almost a week and I think I’m getting cabin fever. And me in a bad mood is not a me anyone in this place should see.

Dear Diary,

Well, it seems like any chance of getting Haruhi to like me is completely out of the window. Apparently, Mx. Entitled over here has a problem with poor people. Can you believe that? Well, to be honest, I can believe it, you’ve heard it all before. Though this is the first time anyone’s had a serious negative reaction to it since the brand started growing. Then again, this is someone around my age we’re talking about, and not some stuck up adults trying to pose and brag about how great they are for buying from a sweet little poor boy, maybe the standards are different. In any case their ideology is complete bullshit. I told them my mother didn’t have to work anymore and they start going off about how lazy she is and how greedy I am. Like, seriously? How prejudiced are they?  We’re both lucky they left right after that because I had a serious fit afterwards. I know it’s completely unprofessional of me, but I couldn’t help myself. I have to let the monster loose, and that’s the problem. Here’s hoping I don’t hit them in the future. Oh well, this time it wasn’t all bad at least. You remember how I mentioned there being some nice people here? Well, one of them, this guy named Ryo, actually heard my outburst. That sounds really bad, but once I explained everything to him he was- actually really nice and comforting. Guy even offered to let me stay with him in his room. It didn’t work out, that doll thing somehow got into my room not five seconds later to tell us that was impossible, but the gesture was super sweet. I- think I’ve actually found someone I’m willing to call a friend again. Huh. Not sure how I feel about that.

A lot of other things have been happening too. Last night I met this kid, Nori. Seems pretty surface level, but a good kid who makes good conversation. I looked around the arcade and found some bears, though unfortunately there’s no way to get to them. Tried the gacha and all I got was fertilizer. Of fucking course. Was able to pawn it off on someone else, thank god, but now I’m kind of worried about what they’re going to do with it. I don’t want my name dragged through the mud if they end up pulling something. Oh, and I met this girl Saori who kind of just came into our bedroom. Total weirdo, but she was good for bitching about Haruhi with for a couple hours. I realize these entries are getting pretty long, so I’ll try to make them shorter next time, I promise. And you know I don’t back out of promises anymore.